This is my analysis of the situation. The following is written primarily for my own benefit, but feel free to read it if you so desire, and draw such conclusions as you will.
I am not stupid. I am not lazy. I am not unreliable. My problems with school work do not neccesarily stem from ADHD or a lack of effort or will.
I believe that for whatever reason I have an aversion to doing school work, specifically school work, that has resulted in a sort of scholastic block. School work is uncomfortable to think about. The idea of doing research for a project, or writing a paper creates something that I can best describe as an itch in my mind, like a reaction to a harsh chemical. It's unpleasant and distracting, and it won't go away until I stop thinking about school. It can make me physically ill in some cases.
This only applies to school work and, very rarely, to personal writing projects. I don't really know what to do about it. I assume that it would be a matter on which I should consult a psychologist, but I also think that I would be best off seeking a specialist in educational matters.
The positive aspect is that I am starting to get help for this, although it has been a slow process thus far.
The downside is that I am on a definite timeline. I'm already two years into college with very poor grades, and I'm supposed to complete a course which I left incomplete by the end of this month. My Dad does not understand this at all. He has similar problems with ADHD but I don't believe he ever had significant problems with school or college. I believe that his condition is similar enough to mine that he feels that he understands it, but by failing to recognize the subtle differences he is interpreting my poor scholastic performance as something like laziness, and thus becoming frustrated. Furthermore he is putting constant pressure on me to either radically improve my grades or leave college, while offering as aid the same irrelevant advice that he has been giving me for the last decade. Because it worked for him he sees no reason that it should not work for me. Again, he is failing to recognize the differences between us and the net effect is that he becomes frustrated and I become increasingly stressed out and anxious.
Thoughout my scholastic career I have performed in a way that can best be described as erratic. I went from being unable to read with any facility to reading at a college level in a space of a few months. My handwriting was consistently attrocious, and so I was placed in a special program intended to improve my handwriting, which took up a lot of my time, did nothing for my handwriting, and taught me to Type. Mathematically I have always had problems, whether with retaining formulas and such or doing basic calculations. I believe that the problem started when I was younger as I was pulled from math classes for counselling or something similar, and as such I missed a lot of basic math early on. Teachers always told me my wriiting was excellent but that I was not on topic, or sufficiently researched.
I believe that over the course of school I developed an expectation that anything attempted regarding schoolwork would fail. Combined with a general alienation from the run of society, and I really do mean alienation. I was so far out from the main stream that I didn't even realize that the usual cliques that outcastes gravitate to existed until I was halfway through highschool. The idea of rebbellion never entered my head because I never considered myself in any way connected to the mainstream. Why rebel against something that doesn't concern you? So, I believed that any attempts at academic performance was doomed, that my fellow students and many of my teachers were alien and exotic creatures that I could not hope to understand, and also I had a very strong reaction to earlier attempts to treat my ADHD and academic failings. I got it into my head that the various attempts to help me had caused even greater problems.
Eitherway, I recognize that all of this doesn't form a coherent narrative, but I believe the sum of my childhood experiences created something in my mind that leads me to shy away from academic ventures for fear of the shame, failure, and punishment that seems, to me, the inevitable result of any such attempt.
Essentially, it has become so ingrained that I will not succeed that I will now automatically react to any attempt by myself to try with a powerful, though subtle, fear and discomfort. The feeling being that if I never attempt the project I cannot be blamed for the failure that will surely result.
I've mostly written this for my own benefit, feel free the think of it what you will.
I am not stupid. I am not lazy. I am not unreliable. My problems with school work do not neccesarily stem from ADHD or a lack of effort or will.
I believe that for whatever reason I have an aversion to doing school work, specifically school work, that has resulted in a sort of scholastic block. School work is uncomfortable to think about. The idea of doing research for a project, or writing a paper creates something that I can best describe as an itch in my mind, like a reaction to a harsh chemical. It's unpleasant and distracting, and it won't go away until I stop thinking about school. It can make me physically ill in some cases.
This only applies to school work and, very rarely, to personal writing projects. I don't really know what to do about it. I assume that it would be a matter on which I should consult a psychologist, but I also think that I would be best off seeking a specialist in educational matters.
The positive aspect is that I am starting to get help for this, although it has been a slow process thus far.
The downside is that I am on a definite timeline. I'm already two years into college with very poor grades, and I'm supposed to complete a course which I left incomplete by the end of this month. My Dad does not understand this at all. He has similar problems with ADHD but I don't believe he ever had significant problems with school or college. I believe that his condition is similar enough to mine that he feels that he understands it, but by failing to recognize the subtle differences he is interpreting my poor scholastic performance as something like laziness, and thus becoming frustrated. Furthermore he is putting constant pressure on me to either radically improve my grades or leave college, while offering as aid the same irrelevant advice that he has been giving me for the last decade. Because it worked for him he sees no reason that it should not work for me. Again, he is failing to recognize the differences between us and the net effect is that he becomes frustrated and I become increasingly stressed out and anxious.
Thoughout my scholastic career I have performed in a way that can best be described as erratic. I went from being unable to read with any facility to reading at a college level in a space of a few months. My handwriting was consistently attrocious, and so I was placed in a special program intended to improve my handwriting, which took up a lot of my time, did nothing for my handwriting, and taught me to Type. Mathematically I have always had problems, whether with retaining formulas and such or doing basic calculations. I believe that the problem started when I was younger as I was pulled from math classes for counselling or something similar, and as such I missed a lot of basic math early on. Teachers always told me my wriiting was excellent but that I was not on topic, or sufficiently researched.
I believe that over the course of school I developed an expectation that anything attempted regarding schoolwork would fail. Combined with a general alienation from the run of society, and I really do mean alienation. I was so far out from the main stream that I didn't even realize that the usual cliques that outcastes gravitate to existed until I was halfway through highschool. The idea of rebbellion never entered my head because I never considered myself in any way connected to the mainstream. Why rebel against something that doesn't concern you? So, I believed that any attempts at academic performance was doomed, that my fellow students and many of my teachers were alien and exotic creatures that I could not hope to understand, and also I had a very strong reaction to earlier attempts to treat my ADHD and academic failings. I got it into my head that the various attempts to help me had caused even greater problems.
Eitherway, I recognize that all of this doesn't form a coherent narrative, but I believe the sum of my childhood experiences created something in my mind that leads me to shy away from academic ventures for fear of the shame, failure, and punishment that seems, to me, the inevitable result of any such attempt.
Essentially, it has become so ingrained that I will not succeed that I will now automatically react to any attempt by myself to try with a powerful, though subtle, fear and discomfort. The feeling being that if I never attempt the project I cannot be blamed for the failure that will surely result.
I've mostly written this for my own benefit, feel free the think of it what you will.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
scarydoll:
It sounds like you have a condition I like to call ODD, or Oppositional Defiant Disorder. This manifests in the resistance of doing anything that you are told you have to do. Other symptoms may include the urge to drive the wrong way down a one-way street, the necessity of knocking over any carefully stacked objects, or the deliberate mixing-up of something in an obvious sequence. I'm not certain that this is an actual condition, but I have an aunt who has been telling me that I have it for years. 
scarydoll:
It can be argued that people who want power over others are usually completely unsuited for that responsibility. The flip side of that is that people who'd rather be left alone probably make the best leaders. I've always accidentally fallen into roles of authority myself.