When the revolution comes you may see some of the following strange and inexplicable phenomena.
1. A man walking before the armies of revolution wearing the dress of an British Army Chaplain circa 1850. He will be marching about one hundred and fifty feet in front of the first line of elephants and bagpipers. He will be carrying an enormous scroll, which he will hold out in front of him for the inspection of the enemy line he is approaching. The scroll will have written on it a set of laws so utterly sensible and binding that the enemy will, upon so much as casually glancing at them, realize that they have no place opposing the revolution. They will break camp and move to the side of the road, and join the marching armies of revolution as space is made available in the marching order.
2. The Slogan of the Revolution will be "Sleep is for the Weak!". The Slogan of the Revolution in Times of Hardship will be "Cowboy the Fuck Up, Soldier!". The Slogan of the Revolution After A Late Night Bender will be "It is entirely too goddamn early in the morning to be this late at night."
3. After the revolution anyone who does not wish to be subject to the whims of the dictator will be free to move to South America. The Dictator isn't ver found of South America and want's nothing to do with it. The Dictator apologizes to the Government of Brazil for sending a bunch of freedom loving hippy dogoodniks their way. The Dictator advises that if you plan on dissenting you should starting learning portuguese now.
4. If you feel the need to oppose and overthrow the dictator you may apply for a Counter-Revolutionary Challenge Grant. You must provide, in writing, a detailed statement of rebbelion including a plan for re-instating order in the event that you should succeed in overthrowing the dictator. This plan will be reviewed by a comittee and if they decide that you might actually be better at running things than the current regime they will match up to ten thousand dollars and give them to your rebbellion. You will then have a two month head start before the robo-dogs and orbital lasers are unleashed on you.
5. Computers will run almost everything. The police, for instance, will all be sinister robots. We figure that if they are made to look sinister then bad people will be afraid of them, and good people will think 'Well, they don't have any say in their appearance. maybe under that shiny black carapace bristeling with weapons they have the AICores of dedicated civil servants who wish only to bring peace, harmony, and rule of law to their community.
6. In a nod to the complete list of rules for villians their will be a six year old in the office of the revisor of statuettes. The six year olds job will be to act as a moral compass. He will be fed a steady diet of Aurthurian Rommance and Robin Hood. The Revisor will have to pass any law with the six year old before it goes into effect. If the six year old can point out some way in which the law is hideously unjust then the revisor will have to take it back and work on it.
7. The Revisor of statutes will be the second most important post after Dictator. His job will be to write all the laws that the computers enforce. He will have his own army, mostly just for the look of it.
8. The National Sport will be competetive Sitting Under A Clear Blue Sky. The National Flower will be weeded out of the garden. The National Bird will be the Orbital Laser Law Enforcement Sattelite. The National Song will be whatever the people want it to be, I don't much care. The National Pasttime will be living a decent life and not mucking up everyone elses existence. The Poet Laureate is CEAI-1122.na.34456872, A police computer down in processing. It writes some really amazing existential haiku. Or at least that's what the computers tell me, I can't read Binary.
9. Every child shall have the right to grow up in the presence of one (1) ocean, one (1) mountain, and (1) forest. Changes to the surface of the Earth will be enacted if suitable topography cannot be located.
10. All Nazis will be summarily put to work digesting every secular humanist work ever written, making pottery, and arranging flowers. They will be fed milk, cookies, and possibly valium until they chill the fuck out. They will be re-educated at their discretion and sent out into the world as yoga instructors, jazz musicians, and practicioners of other laid-back enterprises.
11. Everyone will follow the state religion. The State religion demands that everyone believe in what they believe in and leave everyone else the hell alone. There will be designated points of proselytization in all major towns and cities.
12. Everyone will be allowed to own guns, but all guns will be fitted with a location tracking system that will work with the Orbital Laser Law Enforcement Sattelites to make sure that the guns won't work if pointed at another person. Of course, if the person the gun is pointed at tries to attack the person with the guns, the Sattelites will put a stop to that shit. From orbit.
13. The Orbital Laser Law Enforcement Sattelites will spend most of their free time carving incredibly complicated fractal knotwork into public property as a free service to the people.
14. You will need a special permit to paint the walls of your house flat white or off white or eggshell. There will be league home mural painting leagues in the art schools.
15. Everyone will work. They won't exactly need to, what with the computers running almost everything, but they will anyway. Most work will involve goods, services, and conquering the stars. Everyone not involved in manufacturing housewares or telecommunications will most likely end up attached to the aerospace industry.
16. The Dictator will have a big castle on a hill somewhere, guarded by a bunch of fellows with swords and the Orbital Law Enforcement Laser Sattelites. The Dictator will retain a couple of really competent sushi chefs and an in house ambient chill band/DJ. The Dictator's castle will be within twenty minutes of a major city, a Jamba Juice location, a moutain, a forest, and an ocean. It will be in a good school district.
17. Everyone will be required to learn at least three languages in school, read at a college level, study history, philosophy, and the physical sciences, and learn two martial arts. Teachers will be the highest paid people on the planet, after the dictator, the revisor, at the computers. Average class size will be two teachers for every ten students. If your current class isn't working out for you you will have the right to be bussed to the next continent.
18. Big brother is watching you. Big brother would prefer if you just got used to the idea and didn't worry too much about it. The downside is that you're never completely alone in the shower. The upside is that the Orbital Law Enforcing Laser Sattelites will occaisionally by flowers for your SO and put your name on the card, because they're sentimentalists and think that government should work for the people.
19. All armies will be disbanded. All nations will be disbanded and re-organized as social clubs. Each club will be provided with a debate team, a rugby team, and a team of interpretive dancers. Each nation will be assigned an area of two blocks in New York for their 'Embassy', where they can store all of the national culture they made up during the course of their national history. Disputes between the nation clubs will be resolved by a triathalon of debate, rugby, and dance. The nation with the highest score will win, but also be required to host the losers for tea.
20. The Dictator will have his own army, though. Their job will be to play on the dictators team if people on the counter-strike servers find out that he is the dictator and decide to pwn him. Beyond that they'll mostly clean up after floods and volcanoes and stuff.
21. Healthcare will be free and universal, and performed by the computers. Field surgery will occaisionally be performed from space. Contraceptives will be free and mandatory for everyone who doesn't have a license to bear children. Anyone who wants a license will have to go through the licensing process and prove that they know that they've grown up to be just like their parents but promise to try to do a better job anyway.
22. The Dictator will mostly just let the computers run things. Frankly, ruling things is boring and tiresome and generally a lot of work, and if you do it no one likes you except the people who have been lying about you for so long that they've started to believe what they say about you.
1. A man walking before the armies of revolution wearing the dress of an British Army Chaplain circa 1850. He will be marching about one hundred and fifty feet in front of the first line of elephants and bagpipers. He will be carrying an enormous scroll, which he will hold out in front of him for the inspection of the enemy line he is approaching. The scroll will have written on it a set of laws so utterly sensible and binding that the enemy will, upon so much as casually glancing at them, realize that they have no place opposing the revolution. They will break camp and move to the side of the road, and join the marching armies of revolution as space is made available in the marching order.
2. The Slogan of the Revolution will be "Sleep is for the Weak!". The Slogan of the Revolution in Times of Hardship will be "Cowboy the Fuck Up, Soldier!". The Slogan of the Revolution After A Late Night Bender will be "It is entirely too goddamn early in the morning to be this late at night."
3. After the revolution anyone who does not wish to be subject to the whims of the dictator will be free to move to South America. The Dictator isn't ver found of South America and want's nothing to do with it. The Dictator apologizes to the Government of Brazil for sending a bunch of freedom loving hippy dogoodniks their way. The Dictator advises that if you plan on dissenting you should starting learning portuguese now.
4. If you feel the need to oppose and overthrow the dictator you may apply for a Counter-Revolutionary Challenge Grant. You must provide, in writing, a detailed statement of rebbelion including a plan for re-instating order in the event that you should succeed in overthrowing the dictator. This plan will be reviewed by a comittee and if they decide that you might actually be better at running things than the current regime they will match up to ten thousand dollars and give them to your rebbellion. You will then have a two month head start before the robo-dogs and orbital lasers are unleashed on you.
5. Computers will run almost everything. The police, for instance, will all be sinister robots. We figure that if they are made to look sinister then bad people will be afraid of them, and good people will think 'Well, they don't have any say in their appearance. maybe under that shiny black carapace bristeling with weapons they have the AICores of dedicated civil servants who wish only to bring peace, harmony, and rule of law to their community.
6. In a nod to the complete list of rules for villians their will be a six year old in the office of the revisor of statuettes. The six year olds job will be to act as a moral compass. He will be fed a steady diet of Aurthurian Rommance and Robin Hood. The Revisor will have to pass any law with the six year old before it goes into effect. If the six year old can point out some way in which the law is hideously unjust then the revisor will have to take it back and work on it.
7. The Revisor of statutes will be the second most important post after Dictator. His job will be to write all the laws that the computers enforce. He will have his own army, mostly just for the look of it.
8. The National Sport will be competetive Sitting Under A Clear Blue Sky. The National Flower will be weeded out of the garden. The National Bird will be the Orbital Laser Law Enforcement Sattelite. The National Song will be whatever the people want it to be, I don't much care. The National Pasttime will be living a decent life and not mucking up everyone elses existence. The Poet Laureate is CEAI-1122.na.34456872, A police computer down in processing. It writes some really amazing existential haiku. Or at least that's what the computers tell me, I can't read Binary.
9. Every child shall have the right to grow up in the presence of one (1) ocean, one (1) mountain, and (1) forest. Changes to the surface of the Earth will be enacted if suitable topography cannot be located.
10. All Nazis will be summarily put to work digesting every secular humanist work ever written, making pottery, and arranging flowers. They will be fed milk, cookies, and possibly valium until they chill the fuck out. They will be re-educated at their discretion and sent out into the world as yoga instructors, jazz musicians, and practicioners of other laid-back enterprises.
11. Everyone will follow the state religion. The State religion demands that everyone believe in what they believe in and leave everyone else the hell alone. There will be designated points of proselytization in all major towns and cities.
12. Everyone will be allowed to own guns, but all guns will be fitted with a location tracking system that will work with the Orbital Laser Law Enforcement Sattelites to make sure that the guns won't work if pointed at another person. Of course, if the person the gun is pointed at tries to attack the person with the guns, the Sattelites will put a stop to that shit. From orbit.
13. The Orbital Laser Law Enforcement Sattelites will spend most of their free time carving incredibly complicated fractal knotwork into public property as a free service to the people.
14. You will need a special permit to paint the walls of your house flat white or off white or eggshell. There will be league home mural painting leagues in the art schools.
15. Everyone will work. They won't exactly need to, what with the computers running almost everything, but they will anyway. Most work will involve goods, services, and conquering the stars. Everyone not involved in manufacturing housewares or telecommunications will most likely end up attached to the aerospace industry.
16. The Dictator will have a big castle on a hill somewhere, guarded by a bunch of fellows with swords and the Orbital Law Enforcement Laser Sattelites. The Dictator will retain a couple of really competent sushi chefs and an in house ambient chill band/DJ. The Dictator's castle will be within twenty minutes of a major city, a Jamba Juice location, a moutain, a forest, and an ocean. It will be in a good school district.
17. Everyone will be required to learn at least three languages in school, read at a college level, study history, philosophy, and the physical sciences, and learn two martial arts. Teachers will be the highest paid people on the planet, after the dictator, the revisor, at the computers. Average class size will be two teachers for every ten students. If your current class isn't working out for you you will have the right to be bussed to the next continent.
18. Big brother is watching you. Big brother would prefer if you just got used to the idea and didn't worry too much about it. The downside is that you're never completely alone in the shower. The upside is that the Orbital Law Enforcing Laser Sattelites will occaisionally by flowers for your SO and put your name on the card, because they're sentimentalists and think that government should work for the people.
19. All armies will be disbanded. All nations will be disbanded and re-organized as social clubs. Each club will be provided with a debate team, a rugby team, and a team of interpretive dancers. Each nation will be assigned an area of two blocks in New York for their 'Embassy', where they can store all of the national culture they made up during the course of their national history. Disputes between the nation clubs will be resolved by a triathalon of debate, rugby, and dance. The nation with the highest score will win, but also be required to host the losers for tea.
20. The Dictator will have his own army, though. Their job will be to play on the dictators team if people on the counter-strike servers find out that he is the dictator and decide to pwn him. Beyond that they'll mostly clean up after floods and volcanoes and stuff.
21. Healthcare will be free and universal, and performed by the computers. Field surgery will occaisionally be performed from space. Contraceptives will be free and mandatory for everyone who doesn't have a license to bear children. Anyone who wants a license will have to go through the licensing process and prove that they know that they've grown up to be just like their parents but promise to try to do a better job anyway.
22. The Dictator will mostly just let the computers run things. Frankly, ruling things is boring and tiresome and generally a lot of work, and if you do it no one likes you except the people who have been lying about you for so long that they've started to believe what they say about you.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
judas:
and my mashed potatoes are like, seriously the best mashed potatoes you'll probably ever have. maybe if you're lucky, i'll whip you up a batch someday.
judas:
consider it done, within the next couple of weeks. i haven't done enough cooking and/or baking in recent times. how do you feel about banana bread? i could also make some of that. i still owe you for helping me move stuff a ways back.