frankie18

i feel so fucking numb today. id do anything. id take anything. if it would make me feel. ive been running for so long that ive forgotten where it is im going. and ive been pretending for so long that ive forgotten what it is im supposed to be feeling. maybe i wasnt going anywhere to begin with. maybe i was hidding the truth from myself. maybe i was lying. i wouldnt be surprised. that wouldnt be the first time. i used to be the girl who knew exactly what she was doing. who had all her shit together. and knew exactly where she was going. what happened to that girl. and for how long has she been missing. i close my eyes though and i dont know what i see. sure that girl was a part of me. but she wasnt me entirely. maybe if i could let go of the things i keep inside id be able to find what it is im looking for. or maybe at least i could find me. he said i like that. yeah the way your hair falls across your face. and i wanted to take him and i wanted to break him. yeah i wanted to kiss him. hard. but all i did was tilt my head to the side. and smile. it feels like its been forever since i had a conversation with someone who was real. all these parties all these nights all these days all these people. do any of them mean anything. are any of them real. i can feel myself slipping. again. im not scared though for me. no id never admit it even if i was. thats just how i am. you have to understand. we made some progress in the last few weeks but youve still got about a billion walls to get threw. i hope your ready. and i hope your strong enought. cause ive been itching to break something lately. and that something is me. at four in the morning when im still wide awake. where will you be. and when that familiar craving starts up again. that itching ive come to fear that hides just below my skin. who will i have to run to. who will i have to cling to. who will save me then. ive come to realize. finally. that nothings ever gonna make me happy. nineteen years have passed. and im still trying to get it together. im up all night and up all day but i dont want to talk to any of my friends. dont be alarmed when im not picking up my phone. yeah cause its in perfect working order and i know that youve called. everybody makes mistakes. sometimes. ive made enought already to last about three lifetimes. looks like youve got some catching up to do. i fucking hate that i miss you. but i dont think that i can love you. not like you want me to. i think that i should just give up now cause ive come to realize. finally. that some dreams dont come true. ive got a great guy. yeah but i dont want him. ill trade you instead for that girl. the one i cant stop thinking of. come on someone trade me. why is it that every time i come close to forgetting you exist. you call me. and why is it that the wind keeps blowing you through my mind. and why is it that i cant keep my promise to you. that i cant even call you like i said i would. why is it that i cant even pick up the phone. why is it that i feel so guilty already. what is it that ive done.