here's a repost of something i left at AINTITCOOLNEWS about five years ago:
well, you're not gonna believe it anyways, so lets just dive right in, shall we? remember that song from a few years back, the one about god being just some stranger on a bus? well, guess what - the jokes on you, because i've been right here all along. - that's right, it's me, i'm god, and i'm living here on earth. - now before the complaining starts, let's get one thing straight; it's not an easy job - you really wouldn't want it, no matter what you might think to the contrary. it's not like there's a manual or anything, or if there ever was, it must have gotten misplaced the last time i moved. hell, if it weren't for POST IT notes, i'd be totally fucked. suffice it to say being a deity is not all it's cracked up to be - it's all i can do just to keep up with the bills (later, one thing at a time). for instance: imagine for a moment what it must be like knowing every dirty little deed anyone's ever done. it really is enough to drive you nuts. just try it for a second - i'd seriously like to see how you'd deal with it. - i wasn't even aware i was god until recently, but i knew something was up. you know how some times things seem just too good to be true? for example: you ever have a perfect day, and to top everything off, you read some comic in the paper, and it's like it's speaking directly right to you, and you get that weird feeling that something is just a tiny bit off? that's what i'm talking about. you see, i had to grow up first - a kid couldn't handle this kind of concept, and it's not something you want thrown in your lap all at once, even as an adult. so the clues were there all along, in the impossible music of the CARS (take for instance, I'M IN TOUCH WITH YOUR WORLD - that song should'nt even exist, yet, played at just the right moment, on the right equipment, with the exact right chemical balance, it makes perfect sense; at least to me), in films like BRAZIL, and IMMORTAL, in books, you name it. all just sitting there until i finally had enough spare time to get around to thinking about everything for it all to just click. - right off the bat, i'd like to address a few potential issues, before things have the chance to get completely out of hand. i don't need to get swamped with a zillion freakin' emails from everyone looking for explanations for this, that, and the other. first off, the whole heaven and hell thing. anybody here seen THE MATRIX? you remember what the ORACLE said to NEO, right? told him what he needed to hear, when he needed to hear it, not what he was expecting to hear, when he wanted to hear it? it's kinda like that. so you can quit worrying about whether that petty little sin is going to be the big deal breaker. besides heaven ain't all that anyways - it's just a nicer apartment than the one you had, so to speak. oh, and that whole lake of fire and burning eternally business - ain't gonna happen, either. about your prayers - no offense, but just how much time do you think i actually have? it's not like i won't be listening, but really, there's only so much i can do, given the existing physical laws of the universe. i'm sorry, but that's the way the cookie crumbles - weren't any of you ever taught to take what you hear with a grain of salt? - about the triumvirate thing - let's get this straight, for the record. there's me, myself, and I. on the one hand, you have your goody two-shoes, wouldn't hurt a fly, flawless god. boring. never does anything, just sits around all the time being perfect. pretty useless, if you ask me. and all that white - take it from someone who knows, if all your appliances and all your trim work are white, there's just no end to the dusting. then on the other hand, you have your dark, chaotic god. the source of all ideas, good and bad. a worst-case-scenario generator. never shuts up, that one. goes on and on and, well, you get the picture. you don't want to leave that one alone in a room, for sure. at the very least, he's gonna steal something. and then, in the middle, you've got your fifty-fifty god. half good, half evil (just like all of you - yup, that's the truth, get used to it. i'm not perfect either - good and bad BOTH have to exist, just like you need the shadows to differentiate from the light so you don't go around slamming into walls all of time. think people, think, please. that's what that big glob of goo in your head is for - the best computer money can't buy and most of you are just letting it go to waste). he maintains the balance, and keeps the other two from tearing each other apart. you see, they figured out, after a little trial and error, that that struggle for dominance thing wasn't going to work out long term, so they struck a deal, and created the third, to act as a mediator. kind of like if you've got two parents that don't get along, and they use their kid as a go-between. - now don't start going off about me lying to you - there are a whole stack of 'holy books', and i didn't write any of them. they were all written by men, and they are all full of mens interpretations of my words, and their additions to them, which all tend to get a little blurry over time, especially when there are not any pens or paper lying around handy, and most especially when someone or another stands to gain something by a little selective interpretation. that's not to say that they don't contain a lot of good ideas, but you've got to filter things. do you really think i'd burn someone forever for some tiny fuckup they did as a kid? man, you people are just plain mean sometimes. question authority - you don't want to wind up with nazis again, do you? criminy - so, is frank the individual actually god - well, yes and no - he can't work miracles, or he wouldn't be behind on the rent. he's a physical manifestation, an extension, a kind of user interface of sorts. he lets god know what it's like to actually be one of you, and gives him some vicarious thrills in the process, and it teaches him some humility - makes it easier to relate to you. and that's why brother frank is broke most of the time, to keep him from getting too full of himself, so that being god doesn't go to his head and make him an insufferable son of a bitch. it is an odd relationship, but it's not unworkable. frank can pick what films he wants to watch, and if god's tired of watching it, or he's tired of leftovers, whatever, he can go experience something else thru one of you, without you ever even knowing it (think about that next time you're getting a blowjob). old frank is fairly autonomous, and he (god) keeps me (frank) from screwing up too egregiously, so it is mutually beneficial. - let's see, next - why are you here? thought you'd ask that. you're here to surprise me. that's right, you. see, just because i know everything, and can think of everything, doesn't mean i've actually gotten around to doing so yet. everything takes time. that's what it's for - without time, all you've got is stasis; the good guy in the white room who never does anything or goes anywhere. without time, you've got no movement, you follow me? so, i haven't gotten around to thinking up and/or actually doing everything yet. that's where you come in. to show me something i haven't come up with already. to keep me from being bored. - that ten percent thing - it's not like i'm keeping records, but one day, i'll get around to it, so you might not want to wait too long. you don't have to send it all at once, either. a little here, a little there, that will be fine. just don't wait so long that i lose the apartment. there won't be any audits or anything - i dont have the resources, and keep it cash, check, or money orders; i'm not set up for plastic. - a few other things while i'm at it. first, what qualifies as unacceptably bad? well i don't care much for crack dealers, murderers, rapists and child molesters. you want to declare open season on them, it's fine by me. just please, make a real effort to convict the right people, OK? all those cases of wrongly imprisoned persons just drives up my taxes, and hoses up the system. have you seen BOONDOCK SAINTS? i liked that film. some good ideas in there. second, i ain't naming any names, but the way some people treat their women is just unconscionable. you know who you are. why do you think all those white guys with their tanks are rolling around in your back yard? just for the oil? get real. its all very simple really, and it's nothing you haven't already heard - treat others the way you'd like them to treat you. don't beat your kids unnecessarily, don't fuck around on your significant other, it's all pretty much common sense - just don't be an asshole. don't drive in the fast lane if you aren't going to drive fast, i don't give a shit what the speed limit says, get out of the way. use your turn signals; just think people, it's not all that hard. - and do you really think i give a shit who you're sleeping with? please. as for sex in general, you are all so repressed it just kills me. it's enjoyable because it's meant to be enjoyed. if more of you got laid on a regular basis, the world would be a lot happier place to be in. i know i'm way overdue for a shot of it. - about the whole wrath thing, yes, i do have a temper, and no, you really don't want to get me started, especially if i've been stuck in traffic with the AC acting up. like my old man used to say on long trips, you don't want me coming back there, do you? - and, be careful what you live for, because that one thing just might be your undoing. - i will ask this, and this is that you leave my mom alone. she's old and retired, and i haven't had the chance to explain this to her yet, so don't even go there. you don't want to piss me off, believe it. - i know a lot of you have got big questions looking for big answers. well, you're shit out of luck. i don't have the time, for starters, a lot of it is way beyond your ken, and more than a few of the answers ain't all that pretty. you don't want to hear them, so don't even ask. - a word or two on death threats: make as many as you want, it is a free country. just don't kid yourself into believing you can actually kill me. it ain't happening. i am god, get it? sure you can try and pop a cap in the back of frank's head, but it'll just bounce off (he is that thick skulled), and if you park a nuke next to his place, it won't go off, and you'll just end up in jail looking stupid. or worse. like i said, you don't want to piss me off. i kind of like old frank; he is a little dense, but he's fun to have around, and it was quite amusing watching him trying to figure out this little puzzle i set up for him. well, i guess that about wraps things up. later.
well, you're not gonna believe it anyways, so lets just dive right in, shall we? remember that song from a few years back, the one about god being just some stranger on a bus? well, guess what - the jokes on you, because i've been right here all along. - that's right, it's me, i'm god, and i'm living here on earth. - now before the complaining starts, let's get one thing straight; it's not an easy job - you really wouldn't want it, no matter what you might think to the contrary. it's not like there's a manual or anything, or if there ever was, it must have gotten misplaced the last time i moved. hell, if it weren't for POST IT notes, i'd be totally fucked. suffice it to say being a deity is not all it's cracked up to be - it's all i can do just to keep up with the bills (later, one thing at a time). for instance: imagine for a moment what it must be like knowing every dirty little deed anyone's ever done. it really is enough to drive you nuts. just try it for a second - i'd seriously like to see how you'd deal with it. - i wasn't even aware i was god until recently, but i knew something was up. you know how some times things seem just too good to be true? for example: you ever have a perfect day, and to top everything off, you read some comic in the paper, and it's like it's speaking directly right to you, and you get that weird feeling that something is just a tiny bit off? that's what i'm talking about. you see, i had to grow up first - a kid couldn't handle this kind of concept, and it's not something you want thrown in your lap all at once, even as an adult. so the clues were there all along, in the impossible music of the CARS (take for instance, I'M IN TOUCH WITH YOUR WORLD - that song should'nt even exist, yet, played at just the right moment, on the right equipment, with the exact right chemical balance, it makes perfect sense; at least to me), in films like BRAZIL, and IMMORTAL, in books, you name it. all just sitting there until i finally had enough spare time to get around to thinking about everything for it all to just click. - right off the bat, i'd like to address a few potential issues, before things have the chance to get completely out of hand. i don't need to get swamped with a zillion freakin' emails from everyone looking for explanations for this, that, and the other. first off, the whole heaven and hell thing. anybody here seen THE MATRIX? you remember what the ORACLE said to NEO, right? told him what he needed to hear, when he needed to hear it, not what he was expecting to hear, when he wanted to hear it? it's kinda like that. so you can quit worrying about whether that petty little sin is going to be the big deal breaker. besides heaven ain't all that anyways - it's just a nicer apartment than the one you had, so to speak. oh, and that whole lake of fire and burning eternally business - ain't gonna happen, either. about your prayers - no offense, but just how much time do you think i actually have? it's not like i won't be listening, but really, there's only so much i can do, given the existing physical laws of the universe. i'm sorry, but that's the way the cookie crumbles - weren't any of you ever taught to take what you hear with a grain of salt? - about the triumvirate thing - let's get this straight, for the record. there's me, myself, and I. on the one hand, you have your goody two-shoes, wouldn't hurt a fly, flawless god. boring. never does anything, just sits around all the time being perfect. pretty useless, if you ask me. and all that white - take it from someone who knows, if all your appliances and all your trim work are white, there's just no end to the dusting. then on the other hand, you have your dark, chaotic god. the source of all ideas, good and bad. a worst-case-scenario generator. never shuts up, that one. goes on and on and, well, you get the picture. you don't want to leave that one alone in a room, for sure. at the very least, he's gonna steal something. and then, in the middle, you've got your fifty-fifty god. half good, half evil (just like all of you - yup, that's the truth, get used to it. i'm not perfect either - good and bad BOTH have to exist, just like you need the shadows to differentiate from the light so you don't go around slamming into walls all of time. think people, think, please. that's what that big glob of goo in your head is for - the best computer money can't buy and most of you are just letting it go to waste). he maintains the balance, and keeps the other two from tearing each other apart. you see, they figured out, after a little trial and error, that that struggle for dominance thing wasn't going to work out long term, so they struck a deal, and created the third, to act as a mediator. kind of like if you've got two parents that don't get along, and they use their kid as a go-between. - now don't start going off about me lying to you - there are a whole stack of 'holy books', and i didn't write any of them. they were all written by men, and they are all full of mens interpretations of my words, and their additions to them, which all tend to get a little blurry over time, especially when there are not any pens or paper lying around handy, and most especially when someone or another stands to gain something by a little selective interpretation. that's not to say that they don't contain a lot of good ideas, but you've got to filter things. do you really think i'd burn someone forever for some tiny fuckup they did as a kid? man, you people are just plain mean sometimes. question authority - you don't want to wind up with nazis again, do you? criminy - so, is frank the individual actually god - well, yes and no - he can't work miracles, or he wouldn't be behind on the rent. he's a physical manifestation, an extension, a kind of user interface of sorts. he lets god know what it's like to actually be one of you, and gives him some vicarious thrills in the process, and it teaches him some humility - makes it easier to relate to you. and that's why brother frank is broke most of the time, to keep him from getting too full of himself, so that being god doesn't go to his head and make him an insufferable son of a bitch. it is an odd relationship, but it's not unworkable. frank can pick what films he wants to watch, and if god's tired of watching it, or he's tired of leftovers, whatever, he can go experience something else thru one of you, without you ever even knowing it (think about that next time you're getting a blowjob). old frank is fairly autonomous, and he (god) keeps me (frank) from screwing up too egregiously, so it is mutually beneficial. - let's see, next - why are you here? thought you'd ask that. you're here to surprise me. that's right, you. see, just because i know everything, and can think of everything, doesn't mean i've actually gotten around to doing so yet. everything takes time. that's what it's for - without time, all you've got is stasis; the good guy in the white room who never does anything or goes anywhere. without time, you've got no movement, you follow me? so, i haven't gotten around to thinking up and/or actually doing everything yet. that's where you come in. to show me something i haven't come up with already. to keep me from being bored. - that ten percent thing - it's not like i'm keeping records, but one day, i'll get around to it, so you might not want to wait too long. you don't have to send it all at once, either. a little here, a little there, that will be fine. just don't wait so long that i lose the apartment. there won't be any audits or anything - i dont have the resources, and keep it cash, check, or money orders; i'm not set up for plastic. - a few other things while i'm at it. first, what qualifies as unacceptably bad? well i don't care much for crack dealers, murderers, rapists and child molesters. you want to declare open season on them, it's fine by me. just please, make a real effort to convict the right people, OK? all those cases of wrongly imprisoned persons just drives up my taxes, and hoses up the system. have you seen BOONDOCK SAINTS? i liked that film. some good ideas in there. second, i ain't naming any names, but the way some people treat their women is just unconscionable. you know who you are. why do you think all those white guys with their tanks are rolling around in your back yard? just for the oil? get real. its all very simple really, and it's nothing you haven't already heard - treat others the way you'd like them to treat you. don't beat your kids unnecessarily, don't fuck around on your significant other, it's all pretty much common sense - just don't be an asshole. don't drive in the fast lane if you aren't going to drive fast, i don't give a shit what the speed limit says, get out of the way. use your turn signals; just think people, it's not all that hard. - and do you really think i give a shit who you're sleeping with? please. as for sex in general, you are all so repressed it just kills me. it's enjoyable because it's meant to be enjoyed. if more of you got laid on a regular basis, the world would be a lot happier place to be in. i know i'm way overdue for a shot of it. - about the whole wrath thing, yes, i do have a temper, and no, you really don't want to get me started, especially if i've been stuck in traffic with the AC acting up. like my old man used to say on long trips, you don't want me coming back there, do you? - and, be careful what you live for, because that one thing just might be your undoing. - i will ask this, and this is that you leave my mom alone. she's old and retired, and i haven't had the chance to explain this to her yet, so don't even go there. you don't want to piss me off, believe it. - i know a lot of you have got big questions looking for big answers. well, you're shit out of luck. i don't have the time, for starters, a lot of it is way beyond your ken, and more than a few of the answers ain't all that pretty. you don't want to hear them, so don't even ask. - a word or two on death threats: make as many as you want, it is a free country. just don't kid yourself into believing you can actually kill me. it ain't happening. i am god, get it? sure you can try and pop a cap in the back of frank's head, but it'll just bounce off (he is that thick skulled), and if you park a nuke next to his place, it won't go off, and you'll just end up in jail looking stupid. or worse. like i said, you don't want to piss me off. i kind of like old frank; he is a little dense, but he's fun to have around, and it was quite amusing watching him trying to figure out this little puzzle i set up for him. well, i guess that about wraps things up. later.