intro to two...
~posted by dustpan~
surviving off ebay sales at the moment. watching with detached amusement as bits and pieces of my life float away. i'll have to share the people inside with you all at some point. until then i'll let them hide, fractals both conjoining and disjoining a personality...both empowering and crippling. mostly crippling. the truly sad part is that this is the dominant manifestation of "p" at the moment. it has been for a time now. too long to be sure. thegreyone has invaded the psyche, dripping and filling the holes that allow the others to breathe. the drugs help somewhat, but i fear the the issues are rooted deeper than any chemical can penetrate. the mind must want to be cured. my mind is afraid of what a "cure" might expose.
anyhoooo...
~posted by thegreyone~
trying to resist the ocd fix. trying to study for this test. trying and failing. tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow... i can start fresh tomorrow. i can do it right this time. i can do the sequence in the right order and everything will make sense, right?
a thousand tomorrows pass and nothing changes. no flashes of insight or instant resolve. wait...i misspoke. one thing changes: your self-loathing. to know that you are deluding yourself adds sting to the failure. what's that old saying? "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me?" i've been fooling myself for years now, and "shame" doesn't come close to adequately describing it. someone said that the definition of insanity is performing the exact same task over and over, all the while expecting a different result. break out the jacket, bitch.
~posted by dustpan~
surviving off ebay sales at the moment. watching with detached amusement as bits and pieces of my life float away. i'll have to share the people inside with you all at some point. until then i'll let them hide, fractals both conjoining and disjoining a personality...both empowering and crippling. mostly crippling. the truly sad part is that this is the dominant manifestation of "p" at the moment. it has been for a time now. too long to be sure. thegreyone has invaded the psyche, dripping and filling the holes that allow the others to breathe. the drugs help somewhat, but i fear the the issues are rooted deeper than any chemical can penetrate. the mind must want to be cured. my mind is afraid of what a "cure" might expose.
anyhoooo...
~posted by thegreyone~
trying to resist the ocd fix. trying to study for this test. trying and failing. tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow... i can start fresh tomorrow. i can do it right this time. i can do the sequence in the right order and everything will make sense, right?
a thousand tomorrows pass and nothing changes. no flashes of insight or instant resolve. wait...i misspoke. one thing changes: your self-loathing. to know that you are deluding yourself adds sting to the failure. what's that old saying? "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me?" i've been fooling myself for years now, and "shame" doesn't come close to adequately describing it. someone said that the definition of insanity is performing the exact same task over and over, all the while expecting a different result. break out the jacket, bitch.
deathtoforls:
did you ever have trouble falling asleep for fear of what others would hear you murmur during dreams? perhaps a change in variables would only serve as a distraction from the monotony of routine insanity...at any rate, you are an incredible writer.