fraggle

where to begin...

i cut my hand on some glass yesterday. no biggie. still no job; the spanish bookstore which i had been *promised* a job at by the owner was closed the day i came in for the first day of work-- no one saw the owner for like 2 weeks and she wasn't answering calls, then one day there was a note on the door "will be open 4-9 pm saturday" so i go in at 5-- still not there, closed and dark and all that-- then i return at 8 and to my great relief the lady's there, and that's when she tells me she can't afford to hire anyone anymore. she's been at home sick with her disaster-of-a-pregnancy is what it was and probably it was her med bills... i thanked her and went back to the glass place where i got pep-talked by everybody, and lectured by old dudes about how you need to "go for it" and i'm like "i've been going for it since i graduated and i still haven't been hired".

but i have gotten some income from art modelling gigs-- i just need them to happen a lot more frequently...

yep, things are kinda slow right now... it's just kinda depressing that people won't even hire me to open a cash register... i think i'm getting towards done with this place... i've also been trying, to the best of my ability, to use my current unemployedness to think about things... like my plans and ideas, goals and stuff, that kind of thing... and what's important and what isn't, that kind of thing... i've been largely stranded and, strangely, just about the only person i've had out here who i can talk to has been, these last few weeks, big Willie the housemate... i was so starved for a change that i drove out to LA at random the other day, with no set target and just drove around and walked around and tried to feel a different atmosphere for a while... walking around in pomona i get the feeling, gradually, of how angry this place is-- if that makes any sense-- and i don't even know what really gives me that sense, in particular... something about the way when i walk down the street, every single house has a huge dog that comes out barking its head off and ramming itself against the fence at you-- just walking through a neighborhood can set off a whole circus of dogs barking everywhere-- like setting off a landmine..
but i am *really* feeling sorry for my housemate's brother, Rick, right now. He is also renting from Willie, and he was homeless before, so Willie let him have a room for free, hoping he could get back on his feet and start working and stuff. The guy just got a job in a factory like a week ago, and this morning i found out he lost it-- he accidently pushed a wrong lever and let a huge load fall and the supervisor happened to be watching, and they immediatelly let him go. Now he says Willie's probably gonna kick him out when he finds out he lost another job, and he doesn't know what he's gonna do... I felt really bad for him...

so anyways, here i am back at the college-- sigh, what a difference... what a happy place, goofy though that sounds...

i think right now my life looks like something different from every different angle you can look at it from... what i mean is, there's nothing straightforward at this point-- if i were to explain myself, what i'm doing, what i'm working toward, i feel like it would be a totally different story to every different person... i am coming to interesting conclusions out here, and i am trying my best to interpret things in an optomistic light... and come to terms with shit i've had on my back since long before i was in this position...

and that, again, is probably all you wanna read from me at this point