Life seems absurd sometimes, doesn't it?
Months ago, The Girl didn't understand why I got upset, when she called home to say she had mono. It wasn't that she had made out with some guy; it was that she was knowingly fooling with a guy that had been fooling around with all the other girls, and had something to show for it.
I wasn't upset that there was somebody else (I'd always known there would be), it was that she wasn't being careful and I knew that any fleeting moment of hers could become a part of my life, once we were ready to settle down.
Mono, no big deal. What that represented to me, that was the issue.
So now the girl's come back home to me with chlamydia. She was gone for a week, didn't even call to say Hello, or I arrived safely; she only called to ask favors of me. Do this, Tell x this. I pick her up from the airport and rather than a greeting, a hug, I get a foul look that says Don't come near me while I am on the phone as she is being told by the guy on the other line, Surprise, You Are Diseased, and I Feel Awful About That; But Thank You For Calling To Let Me Know You Made It Home Safely, and I Really Do Feel Awful As We Talk In Code For Two Hours Over the Phone From the Back Seat of the Car While the Person You Are Returning To Drives You Home, and Takes You To Eat.
And do you know why life's absurd? Because while she was away I spent an afternoon/evening sitting in a park, thinking about how she hadn't called, and then my friend told me about his girlfriend, and how the only real problem between them was that it is hard to trust somebody, and he did trust her, but he had to find his way to the real, serious trust that gives us the term faithful (and you do have to find your way to it; it is not a decision that is made, or a thing that is earned -- that is the other trust), and once he'd done that, he wouldn't fear anything at all.
And I remembered when I had that revelation myself, a few years back, and discussed it with The Girl and found we both felt and thought about it in the same way, ultimately.
And I realized, that is how I knew, those years ago, when it came time for her wild streak, that I would be okay. (I have been trying for months to remember how I ever thought I could handle it.)
And I realized that I really like her for The Girl that she is, and the whole reason we worked so well was that I really did, and she really did like me for who I was.
And I realized that no matter of what she did changed The Girl as she was, everything else is just another element. And that even though she had been telling me all along (and not only in words, because I have so little faith in words anyway) that she would come back to me, the only thing that I feared was that she wouldn't. I spent the whole week realizing this, and let this thought sink into my bones and mind to become Resolution. (I didn't call her, either, because I knew that if I did this foundation I was laying would falter and I would just become the sniveling and sad boyfriend that I had been, that had driven wedges between us.)
And as we were driving home from the airport, I was thinking Why was I so foolish to believe she actually would come home to me; another voice in my head said Nothing has changed since last week, and nothing has changed since you thought that years ago, and you will see this is true.
And when she came to me the next morning and said I Think I Should Tell You What That Was About (and she did), my response was: I Am Your Man and: I Trust That You Love Me, and I Still Think Everything About You Is Great.
At twenty-eight, that was the first time I have ever referred to myself as a man.
I think it was the first time I ever could have.
Praise to The Buddha (reading).
Praise to The Dharma (thought).
Praise to The Sangha (my friend).
I have truly known happiness.
Months ago, The Girl didn't understand why I got upset, when she called home to say she had mono. It wasn't that she had made out with some guy; it was that she was knowingly fooling with a guy that had been fooling around with all the other girls, and had something to show for it.
I wasn't upset that there was somebody else (I'd always known there would be), it was that she wasn't being careful and I knew that any fleeting moment of hers could become a part of my life, once we were ready to settle down.
Mono, no big deal. What that represented to me, that was the issue.
So now the girl's come back home to me with chlamydia. She was gone for a week, didn't even call to say Hello, or I arrived safely; she only called to ask favors of me. Do this, Tell x this. I pick her up from the airport and rather than a greeting, a hug, I get a foul look that says Don't come near me while I am on the phone as she is being told by the guy on the other line, Surprise, You Are Diseased, and I Feel Awful About That; But Thank You For Calling To Let Me Know You Made It Home Safely, and I Really Do Feel Awful As We Talk In Code For Two Hours Over the Phone From the Back Seat of the Car While the Person You Are Returning To Drives You Home, and Takes You To Eat.
And do you know why life's absurd? Because while she was away I spent an afternoon/evening sitting in a park, thinking about how she hadn't called, and then my friend told me about his girlfriend, and how the only real problem between them was that it is hard to trust somebody, and he did trust her, but he had to find his way to the real, serious trust that gives us the term faithful (and you do have to find your way to it; it is not a decision that is made, or a thing that is earned -- that is the other trust), and once he'd done that, he wouldn't fear anything at all.
And I remembered when I had that revelation myself, a few years back, and discussed it with The Girl and found we both felt and thought about it in the same way, ultimately.
And I realized, that is how I knew, those years ago, when it came time for her wild streak, that I would be okay. (I have been trying for months to remember how I ever thought I could handle it.)
And I realized that I really like her for The Girl that she is, and the whole reason we worked so well was that I really did, and she really did like me for who I was.
And I realized that no matter of what she did changed The Girl as she was, everything else is just another element. And that even though she had been telling me all along (and not only in words, because I have so little faith in words anyway) that she would come back to me, the only thing that I feared was that she wouldn't. I spent the whole week realizing this, and let this thought sink into my bones and mind to become Resolution. (I didn't call her, either, because I knew that if I did this foundation I was laying would falter and I would just become the sniveling and sad boyfriend that I had been, that had driven wedges between us.)
And as we were driving home from the airport, I was thinking Why was I so foolish to believe she actually would come home to me; another voice in my head said Nothing has changed since last week, and nothing has changed since you thought that years ago, and you will see this is true.
And when she came to me the next morning and said I Think I Should Tell You What That Was About (and she did), my response was: I Am Your Man and: I Trust That You Love Me, and I Still Think Everything About You Is Great.
At twenty-eight, that was the first time I have ever referred to myself as a man.
I think it was the first time I ever could have.
Praise to The Buddha (reading).
Praise to The Dharma (thought).
Praise to The Sangha (my friend).
I have truly known happiness.
And I say mac instead of iBook because for your needs, you'll need to invest in a PowerBook. They are decidedly more expensive but are for what you need. You can check online at the Apple Store. I would recommend bumping your memory up to 1gb (or at least 736mb) and having at least an 80gb harddrive (you might want to invest in an external harddrive, too, if you plan on having a ton of shit on there--that way you can transfer it to other macs etcetcetc).
The reason I recommend a PowerBook is because the processor is much faster. You're going to be running a lot of programs so your computer is going to need to be able to keep up with you. My 12" iBook only has a 1.33Ghz G4 processor, but since I'm only using it for mobile computing and schoolwork (Word, Powerpoint, etc.), it's totally, totally legitimate (I also have a ridiculous desktop with insane memory and harddrive space with the best processor I could [affordably] get, so that's why I went cheap-town on my iBook). It will probably run you at least $2000 (if not $2500) to get you the system you need. You'll want to buy AppleCare, and you'll have to buy FinalCutPro and MicroSoftWorks etcetc. It's an expensive business, but I've never been more e-happy.