fracturedguy

it makes me feel good to know i'm the one she calls. that says eveything right there, doesn't it? it doesn't just mean that i don't flip out when she's gone and done something silly with another guy. it means i'm a comfort, i'm safe. i'm real and true and good for her.

and it makes me feel good because in those times and cases i am able to show her that side of myself, the side that i've shown to other girls who fell head-over-heels in love with me.

and it scares me because when i showed those other girls, they didn't understand the reality of it. they saw that i was real, true, and good for them -- but i was only real and true. i was never meant for them, i was meant to be alone.
Nay, I was meant to learn from being with them while believing I was meant to be alone.

but kate's the only girl that i have found, will find, that i would give this religion up for, this religion i've found in myself.
and she calls me because it's here, it's who i am, and that she needs it, especially through these times.

my fear is that now i will learn about being alone when i believe i should be with her.

i told her, i am glad she can call me like she did, and i'm glad i have the right things to say, but i hopt that's not all i become.

she gets so frustrated with me, because i worry so much, because all she hears is fear and weakness in my voice. her ear hears my mouth and she doesn't realize it isn't my voice speaking to her. it is my heart speaking to hers, which isn't listening.

i feel at times like the buddha, and i do need to rediscover this self-worth i held, but i don't want to lose my worth to her. ever.