I've got the start of a caffeine headache. I housesat for someone who had no soda. I came home to my apartment, also lacking soda. Maybe there will be enough in a cup of tea to suffice.
Anyway. It's August 27. Burning Man begins tomorrow.
Not for me.
Friday:
You know, the only reason I'm still around is because of M___ and N___. I can't screw those guys over.
-later-
"Would you really go? Just leave?"
Well yeah, I mean I would, but I can't. [backpedal; fealing a twinge of fear that a confident Yes would have resulted in being swept off to my adventure. Later we discussed The Fear, and how it holds us back, holds us here]
This time last year, I was among the crazies. I smoked, because it allowed me to go outside and it gave me something to do. Smoking is a very social activity. Our windows were painted over, and I hate being limited to electric light. I frequently gave one or both (we were allowed only two at a time) of my cigarettes to whoever had had the rougher day.
With the exception of suicidal tendencies, this year is much like last. The Girl came home for the summer and broke through my walls of apathy and secrecy that I build to keep myself where I'm expected. In my familiar but sad place. She talks at me until she breaks through and actually talks to me, until I let the words sink in and mean something, until I'm vulnerable and free from myself enough to respond and actually be there.
The the me that's inside says, hey, why've you been keeping me bottled up? Why did you choose to live this life? You know what you want to do, and you know how to do it.
Stop making excuses.
What I want to do:
-Go to Burning Man
-Visit my friend Jeremy in Hawai'i
-Go to VT to see The Last Kiss with The Girl
-See Neil Gaiman in NY on 9/28
Why I say I can't:
-Not enough money
-Obligations (rent, bills, job)
Why I can't:
-...
The only difficult choice to make is to do the right thing, I think.
Anyway. It's August 27. Burning Man begins tomorrow.
Not for me.
Friday:
You know, the only reason I'm still around is because of M___ and N___. I can't screw those guys over.
-later-
"Would you really go? Just leave?"
Well yeah, I mean I would, but I can't. [backpedal; fealing a twinge of fear that a confident Yes would have resulted in being swept off to my adventure. Later we discussed The Fear, and how it holds us back, holds us here]
This time last year, I was among the crazies. I smoked, because it allowed me to go outside and it gave me something to do. Smoking is a very social activity. Our windows were painted over, and I hate being limited to electric light. I frequently gave one or both (we were allowed only two at a time) of my cigarettes to whoever had had the rougher day.
With the exception of suicidal tendencies, this year is much like last. The Girl came home for the summer and broke through my walls of apathy and secrecy that I build to keep myself where I'm expected. In my familiar but sad place. She talks at me until she breaks through and actually talks to me, until I let the words sink in and mean something, until I'm vulnerable and free from myself enough to respond and actually be there.
The the me that's inside says, hey, why've you been keeping me bottled up? Why did you choose to live this life? You know what you want to do, and you know how to do it.
Stop making excuses.
What I want to do:
-Go to Burning Man
-Visit my friend Jeremy in Hawai'i
-Go to VT to see The Last Kiss with The Girl
-See Neil Gaiman in NY on 9/28
Why I say I can't:
-Not enough money
-Obligations (rent, bills, job)
Why I can't:
-...
The only difficult choice to make is to do the right thing, I think.
everything will work out because it HAS to. the only alternative is that you die which is a very unlikely alternative. otherwise, something works out.