Soooooooooooo...
I had a run-in with the law this weekend. You know, just when you think you've done it all, life throws you something new.
My girlfriend, Poochie, moved into her new apartment Friday night. The lease technically starts on the 1st, but the landlord was like, "Whatever, you can move in a week early."
Anyways, her roommate was spending that night at her parents' house, so she and I had the place to ourselves. Nothing was moved in (all she had was a mattress and blanket in the whole place), and we got there at like 1:30am. I sat out on the fire escape with her while she smoked a cigarette, and after she finished up, the downstairs neighbor came out on the fire escape and mumbles something about "shouldn't be on the fire escape, rabble rabble..." so we ignore him and go inside.
Let me just say, at this point, that I'm fairly loud in bed. Ok, very loud. My college roommate (a film major) used to tease me about it. It started with "Jess comes in surround sound" and evolved to "Jess comes in IMAX." So. Yeah. There's that.
Fast forward to later that night, we're sexing in her room and I'm coming and screaming out. (Fabulous, by the way.) Then a little later, we're going a second time and in the midst of things, we hear someone pound on the door of the apartment. We figure it's the downstairs neighbor, and he's being a douchebag and telling us to keep it down, so we ignore him. But the pounding continues.
Finally, I pull away, and I'm like, "We have to answer the door." She tells me she will, pulls on her pants and throws on my shirt (hot). She closes the bedroom door and I hear a man shout, "This is the police! If you don't open the door, we're going to knock it down!"
She opens the door to a gun in her face and angrily shouts, "WHAT?" There are three cops outside the front door and two on the fire escape. She lets them all in, and I hear them asking her all these questions about who she was and what she was doing there. She explains that she's renting the apartment and it's her first night, and shows them the lease. They ask her if there was anyone else in the apartment with her, and she's like, "Um. YES" but doesn't elaborate. At this point, she's laughing, but they still have their guns drawn and are checking out the rooms for other people.
Now, I hear this going down, and I pull the blanket around my shoulders and open the bedroom door, and I stand there leaning against the door jam.
I tell you, I've never seen 5 grown men so flustered. They blush beet red as they realize what's going on. One of them stammers out, "Are you alright?" to Poochie, and she says, "Uh, yeah. I'm fine." Then they all sort of shuffle away, bumping into each other like they don't know what to do. The two that came in from the fire escape actually asked her if she minded if they went out the front door.
Turns out, the neighbors didn't realize anyone was moving in before the 1st of the month and thought that we had broken into the apartment and were squatting. Couple that with the sound of a woman screaming bloody murder, and they probably thought Poochie was chopping me into little pieces or something.
The best part was the next morning. I text my best friend, Lauren, and tell her what happened, and about half an hour later I get a text from another friend of mine who she told about it. Best text of my life:
"Are you dead from orgasms and bullets?"
I had a run-in with the law this weekend. You know, just when you think you've done it all, life throws you something new.
My girlfriend, Poochie, moved into her new apartment Friday night. The lease technically starts on the 1st, but the landlord was like, "Whatever, you can move in a week early."
Anyways, her roommate was spending that night at her parents' house, so she and I had the place to ourselves. Nothing was moved in (all she had was a mattress and blanket in the whole place), and we got there at like 1:30am. I sat out on the fire escape with her while she smoked a cigarette, and after she finished up, the downstairs neighbor came out on the fire escape and mumbles something about "shouldn't be on the fire escape, rabble rabble..." so we ignore him and go inside.
Let me just say, at this point, that I'm fairly loud in bed. Ok, very loud. My college roommate (a film major) used to tease me about it. It started with "Jess comes in surround sound" and evolved to "Jess comes in IMAX." So. Yeah. There's that.
Fast forward to later that night, we're sexing in her room and I'm coming and screaming out. (Fabulous, by the way.) Then a little later, we're going a second time and in the midst of things, we hear someone pound on the door of the apartment. We figure it's the downstairs neighbor, and he's being a douchebag and telling us to keep it down, so we ignore him. But the pounding continues.
Finally, I pull away, and I'm like, "We have to answer the door." She tells me she will, pulls on her pants and throws on my shirt (hot). She closes the bedroom door and I hear a man shout, "This is the police! If you don't open the door, we're going to knock it down!"
She opens the door to a gun in her face and angrily shouts, "WHAT?" There are three cops outside the front door and two on the fire escape. She lets them all in, and I hear them asking her all these questions about who she was and what she was doing there. She explains that she's renting the apartment and it's her first night, and shows them the lease. They ask her if there was anyone else in the apartment with her, and she's like, "Um. YES" but doesn't elaborate. At this point, she's laughing, but they still have their guns drawn and are checking out the rooms for other people.
Now, I hear this going down, and I pull the blanket around my shoulders and open the bedroom door, and I stand there leaning against the door jam.
I tell you, I've never seen 5 grown men so flustered. They blush beet red as they realize what's going on. One of them stammers out, "Are you alright?" to Poochie, and she says, "Uh, yeah. I'm fine." Then they all sort of shuffle away, bumping into each other like they don't know what to do. The two that came in from the fire escape actually asked her if she minded if they went out the front door.
Turns out, the neighbors didn't realize anyone was moving in before the 1st of the month and thought that we had broken into the apartment and were squatting. Couple that with the sound of a woman screaming bloody murder, and they probably thought Poochie was chopping me into little pieces or something.
The best part was the next morning. I text my best friend, Lauren, and tell her what happened, and about half an hour later I get a text from another friend of mine who she told about it. Best text of my life:
"Are you dead from orgasms and bullets?"