So it seems that I haven't updated since Monday. Well big news is that I told my Dad via e-mail that I am going to take away his keys to my apartment. This comes after he has repeatedly come over and read my mail and deleted messages off my answering machine, and then hung up on me when I tried to talk to him about it. I haven't told him yet that if he refuses to give me the keys, that I am going to have the locks changed on him. My Dad is one of those guys who doesn't listen, and I'm sick of his bullshit. I also hate having to be so mean to him.
Basically I told him, fine, take away the car and withdraw the cash flow, but you aren't coming in my house univited anymore. I've been homeless, the digs I've got right now aren't really that bad, with or without Dad's money. It's tempting to get a bone in my nose and a metal guitar and sing songs about how much I hate my Dad. But since I consider that bullshit art, I guess I can't do that.
Instead, I am going to vent my spleen at my blog. Of course, that is nearly as cliche as the metal songs about goddamned Dad, but, I have very low standards for the art called blogging. Basically I figure most people just verbally masturbate at their blogs anyway, so why not me?
What it comes down to, is that Dad will try to weasel his way out of this one and keep his hooks in somehow. And then, when he does that, I've got to try to get rid of him once and for all, because I'm sick of it. I do hope that I am pleasantly surprised and that Dad acts like an adult and hands me the keys. I'm not expecting it. I'm going to hate not having a car. I love having a car. Other than that, I don't guess there is much I'll miss. I've never really had a heart to heart with my Dad. Sure he's whined about his problems to me for the past three years, and said rude things about my Mom, but generally, the most honest thing he's said to me in all that time is that he's just not willing to let go of being angry.
To which my answer is, fine fuckoff! - be miserable, but quit coming over and trying to fix my fucking life, because it doesn't need fixed.
And the truth is that my life is incredibly screwed up right now, and that I'm doing a sub-par job of handling it. I flunked my class at school because I fucked off and didn't go, I'm without health insurance because I failed to turn in paperwork for three months in a row, I'm living off gas station food, I'm out of insulin which I desperately need, I've got a pan full of dried chili on my stove, a car full of trash, and a refrigerator full of rotten food. Yes, I am a fuckup Dad.
But guess what? I'm one of the few people I know that can honestly say that they are happy with life. And, the kitchen will get cleaned, without Dad's help. And my doctor is going to lower the cost of my next visit to see her, and give me free samples of insulin. And generally, the world treats me pretty good. The people who are in charge of my insurance have extended my case, and put it on hold for the time being, and as soon as I talk to my landlord, I will have health insurance again.
In other words, I'm taking care of it my fucking self. Did I do everything the ideal way? Fuck no. I fucked up every single solitary thing I was involved in the past six months. But, everything is going to be just fine, and it won't cost Dad a fucking penny. Mom, who treats me like an adult, will have no problem paying for an $80 doctor visit. And if I have to hoof it, and take the fucking bus, well so be it. I'm tired of being on Daddy's little apron strings anyway.
You know, I hate cliches. It seems like everyone I know talks about how their Dad is an asshole. And consequently I feel like a goon bitching about mine. But guess what? - my Dad really is an asshole. And I needed to vent about it.
So yeah, I'm pissed. I'm expecting Dad to do something sneaky, because that's his MO. Probably something like pretending I never sent the email, and then hanging up on me again when I mention that he needs to give my keys back. At which point the locks will be changed. And I will tell him to get the fuck out of my life.
Alright, so this may seem paradoxical after all the spleen venting, but I had another topic I wanted to talk about.
I am constantly amazed by the people I meet, because they are so goddamn unhappy. Sure everyone can tell me that if I had their problems, that I would be miserable too. And maybe that's true, I'm not in their shoes. However, I'd have to say that most people haven't been through all the shit that I've been through in 26 years, and that my life experience has been extremely chaotic and generally fucked up. And I'm not miserable.
Right now I'm pissed at my Dad, but there is a general undercurrent that life is going to be ok. Dad is a problem to be solved, and it will get solved, because I'm just that good. It may get ugly before it's over, but I'll be fine in the end.
So my question is... here I am with a serious mental illness that makes me function at a sub-human level, and I'm fucking happy and everyone else I meet is miserable. Why is that? I'm nothing special, really, but happiness isn't something I try to attain. Sure, blame it on the fact that I take medication, but I took anti-depressants for years, and I was still a waste of space. Something is different now. Maybe I'm just too crazy to grasp how miserable reality is or something.
Anyway, tonight has been a night to be frank. You know me, I'm fucking honest at my journal, but I think this whole thing probably takes the cake. I don't mean to stick my nose into people's business, or make oblique comments about people at SG, or even do anything except verbally masturbate and try to feel a little twinge of catharsis after a very hard day.
Which seems a fitting way to end.
Tim.
Basically I told him, fine, take away the car and withdraw the cash flow, but you aren't coming in my house univited anymore. I've been homeless, the digs I've got right now aren't really that bad, with or without Dad's money. It's tempting to get a bone in my nose and a metal guitar and sing songs about how much I hate my Dad. But since I consider that bullshit art, I guess I can't do that.
Instead, I am going to vent my spleen at my blog. Of course, that is nearly as cliche as the metal songs about goddamned Dad, but, I have very low standards for the art called blogging. Basically I figure most people just verbally masturbate at their blogs anyway, so why not me?
What it comes down to, is that Dad will try to weasel his way out of this one and keep his hooks in somehow. And then, when he does that, I've got to try to get rid of him once and for all, because I'm sick of it. I do hope that I am pleasantly surprised and that Dad acts like an adult and hands me the keys. I'm not expecting it. I'm going to hate not having a car. I love having a car. Other than that, I don't guess there is much I'll miss. I've never really had a heart to heart with my Dad. Sure he's whined about his problems to me for the past three years, and said rude things about my Mom, but generally, the most honest thing he's said to me in all that time is that he's just not willing to let go of being angry.
To which my answer is, fine fuckoff! - be miserable, but quit coming over and trying to fix my fucking life, because it doesn't need fixed.
And the truth is that my life is incredibly screwed up right now, and that I'm doing a sub-par job of handling it. I flunked my class at school because I fucked off and didn't go, I'm without health insurance because I failed to turn in paperwork for three months in a row, I'm living off gas station food, I'm out of insulin which I desperately need, I've got a pan full of dried chili on my stove, a car full of trash, and a refrigerator full of rotten food. Yes, I am a fuckup Dad.
But guess what? I'm one of the few people I know that can honestly say that they are happy with life. And, the kitchen will get cleaned, without Dad's help. And my doctor is going to lower the cost of my next visit to see her, and give me free samples of insulin. And generally, the world treats me pretty good. The people who are in charge of my insurance have extended my case, and put it on hold for the time being, and as soon as I talk to my landlord, I will have health insurance again.
In other words, I'm taking care of it my fucking self. Did I do everything the ideal way? Fuck no. I fucked up every single solitary thing I was involved in the past six months. But, everything is going to be just fine, and it won't cost Dad a fucking penny. Mom, who treats me like an adult, will have no problem paying for an $80 doctor visit. And if I have to hoof it, and take the fucking bus, well so be it. I'm tired of being on Daddy's little apron strings anyway.
You know, I hate cliches. It seems like everyone I know talks about how their Dad is an asshole. And consequently I feel like a goon bitching about mine. But guess what? - my Dad really is an asshole. And I needed to vent about it.
So yeah, I'm pissed. I'm expecting Dad to do something sneaky, because that's his MO. Probably something like pretending I never sent the email, and then hanging up on me again when I mention that he needs to give my keys back. At which point the locks will be changed. And I will tell him to get the fuck out of my life.
Alright, so this may seem paradoxical after all the spleen venting, but I had another topic I wanted to talk about.
I am constantly amazed by the people I meet, because they are so goddamn unhappy. Sure everyone can tell me that if I had their problems, that I would be miserable too. And maybe that's true, I'm not in their shoes. However, I'd have to say that most people haven't been through all the shit that I've been through in 26 years, and that my life experience has been extremely chaotic and generally fucked up. And I'm not miserable.
Right now I'm pissed at my Dad, but there is a general undercurrent that life is going to be ok. Dad is a problem to be solved, and it will get solved, because I'm just that good. It may get ugly before it's over, but I'll be fine in the end.
So my question is... here I am with a serious mental illness that makes me function at a sub-human level, and I'm fucking happy and everyone else I meet is miserable. Why is that? I'm nothing special, really, but happiness isn't something I try to attain. Sure, blame it on the fact that I take medication, but I took anti-depressants for years, and I was still a waste of space. Something is different now. Maybe I'm just too crazy to grasp how miserable reality is or something.
Anyway, tonight has been a night to be frank. You know me, I'm fucking honest at my journal, but I think this whole thing probably takes the cake. I don't mean to stick my nose into people's business, or make oblique comments about people at SG, or even do anything except verbally masturbate and try to feel a little twinge of catharsis after a very hard day.
Which seems a fitting way to end.
Tim.
i can sort of relate with ya though...i mean im going thru some shitty times (job, money, computer stuff) but in the long run, im still pretty happy. i know things are gonna work themselves out, and im doing stuff & keeping myself occupied with things that keep me busy & happy, i hate seeing people so unhappy!