my heart's been perferated.
to me, motherhood is sacred. it's one of those things i've always known i was born to do in life, along with art and writing.
so, mr. d and i were talking last nite about his beautiful little girl, and how wonderful she is and how much she's adored and all that.
he gets quiet for a moment and he says something to the effect of "y'know, even though you and i may have children together, there's nothing like your first. and that bond is just.... special."
okay.
just shoot me right between the eyes there, buddy. i'd be quicker.
so i stood there, put my game face on and told him i understood.
goddamn that hurt.
because that translates to me as "you could never give me anything special and unique in its own right. i've already got everything i could need or want."
and that hurt like it would hurt him for me to say something like, " i know she's your daughter and all, but honestly, darling, i could never love her the way i would love my own children."
i realize there's a special bond there, especially since he's had to fight so hard to be in her life at all. i would never even think of competing with that or making less of it in any way.
but for him to not even entertain the idea that what we could create together as having its own special unique wonderfulness, its own importance and place in both of our lives......
just as i have done to accommodate his daughter in my mind.......
well, that just leaves me a bit fractured. how can someone say that to a girl who's in such love that all she wants is to make him happy, to make him feel like the rockstar she thinks he is......even if it's just in little ways everyday.
just leaves me stunned and shaking.
to me, motherhood is sacred. it's one of those things i've always known i was born to do in life, along with art and writing.
so, mr. d and i were talking last nite about his beautiful little girl, and how wonderful she is and how much she's adored and all that.
he gets quiet for a moment and he says something to the effect of "y'know, even though you and i may have children together, there's nothing like your first. and that bond is just.... special."
okay.
just shoot me right between the eyes there, buddy. i'd be quicker.
so i stood there, put my game face on and told him i understood.
goddamn that hurt.
because that translates to me as "you could never give me anything special and unique in its own right. i've already got everything i could need or want."
and that hurt like it would hurt him for me to say something like, " i know she's your daughter and all, but honestly, darling, i could never love her the way i would love my own children."
i realize there's a special bond there, especially since he's had to fight so hard to be in her life at all. i would never even think of competing with that or making less of it in any way.
but for him to not even entertain the idea that what we could create together as having its own special unique wonderfulness, its own importance and place in both of our lives......
just as i have done to accommodate his daughter in my mind.......
well, that just leaves me a bit fractured. how can someone say that to a girl who's in such love that all she wants is to make him happy, to make him feel like the rockstar she thinks he is......even if it's just in little ways everyday.
just leaves me stunned and shaking.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
the way everyone learns that's all bullshit is by finding mature love (not first love), driving something more comfy than a 10 year old civic hatchback, and discovering restaurants beyond taco bell.
i'm not saying his daughter is taco bell, but the way he's going to learn that every child is like a your first is to do it all again. some close friends of mine had a baby a few years back. his mom is a woman i really love. she had 10, count em, 10 kids. she was also a nurse at a hospital for over 25 years. when my friends had their baby, his mom told me that she was so surprised how she felt when she held their son. she had forgotten that the first time with a new baby it always feels like she'd never held a baby before--and she's held a lot of babies.
you do have to remember that guys in fact do not use as much of our brains as women do. it's hard work for us to develop any kind of emotional awareness. for us, everything is like fixing a carburator.
Here's something weird that might explain what I mean. A group of women manufacturing video games decided that they wanted to make something that would appeal to little girls as much as little boys, so they started doing play testing. They found out that little girls like to shoot things and kill things just as much as little boys do, but ... they get bored if that's all there is. They also want the game to do something that requires social interaction and has a story. Little girls love to kill bad guys, but they want games that use more of their brain than the typical shoot-em up games.
You need to let him know he made you feel bad, but you also need to be prepared for the fact that he may be totally clueless, because my half of the species is basically clueless about emotions.