foundry

I've been meaning to write my first entry for the past couple of days, but due to some pretty heavy recording commitments, i've been really busy. However, if you have time to read, i do have a tale to tell!

I suspect if anyone is actually reading this, that they found their way here courtesy of my greatest friend, Zamuzel. I also suspect that you probably saw the picture of me in the toy shop: The Entertainer; what's more i imagine the manic glint in my eyes as i held up not one, but two boxes of awesome, probably didn't escape your attention. And, let me assure you; said glint was for good reason.

We were shopping for Zamuzel's little boy's birthday present, the target of our hunt? The new Optimus Prime figure (special kid proof version) and the one based on the character from the new "movie". Whilst browsing the isles, sure enough, we came across the Transformers section. Rows and rows of figures based on the soulless characters i despised when we watched the new film (and subsequently drank ourselves into oblivion just to deal with the horrors). At the same time, both Zamuzel and I lamented the forgotten past. A past when Transformers actually meant something. Something truly great.

Suddenly we saw it! Buried deep amongst what seemed like a infinite soulless void. The real Optimus Prime! Or...was it? This one seemed somehow...better...stronger...more powerful. Then we looked closer. POWER WARRIORS! We both let out a simultaneous woop of amazement. It was like someone had read our very minds! I looked closer - i needed to know whether we were dreaming. No. No dream could be this grand. It was real alright. And then i saw what looked like Rodimus Prime, except again, it was more like a good version of Rodimus Prime!

I have to say, the last time i had felt like this was when me and Zam scored the biggest ex-rental hit of our lives. Perhaps you've heard this legend from the man himself, or perhaps that is a story for another time; either way, you may rest assured, my head was literally coming off.

We looked closer. Holy shit. It was like some wise man in China (the magical land where Power Warriors are forged) felt the same way we did. No, it was even as if some God had created these figures and placed them right next to the movie junk, just to reveal the truth, just to show kids what the true meaning of life really was. Not only did he look like the baddest, most kick ass version of Optimus Prime i've ever seen but he came with a frigging arsenal of weaponry. Bazooka rifle? Check. Laser pistol? Check. Big fucking battle-axe?? Double check! And did i mention his miniature bulldozer buddy?

Even the name said it all. I can imagine the marketing department in China: "So...you know what name kicks 100% more ass than Transformers? Yeah...try this for size: Only fucking POWER WARRIORS! And then whilst they were all cheering, some other guy turns around and went "Yeah, and you know what else? Yeah, how about we put fucking lightning bolts slashing like knives through all the O's?! Cue yet more cheering, rapturous applause, and stomping on Transformers The Movie figures.



Anyway, we couldn't handle it. It was simply too much for mere mortal men to comprehend. We left the shop in a daze. What's more, i had no money; and i've never lamented that fact more in my life. As much i wanted to thieve the thing right off the shelf, somehow that just didn't feel right. These toys were far too good for mere thievery. Armed robbery maybe, but i was all out of guns that day.

After that i went home, Zam hit Norway the next day, but i promised him i would go back. He knew i would. And i did. However, the next day, after having a run in with Store Supervisor "Lee" regarding The Entertainer's facist 'sale' policy, (50% off everything - except Power Warriors. (Yeah, i wasn't surprised, i mean they should have at least quadrulpled the price to reflect the magnitude of their justice, but dammit, it was just the principle of the thing, and i'm a man of integrity)). Anyway, i once again left empty handed, bitter and full of wrath for my new nemesis "Lee". Still, that night, all i could think and dream about was owning that shiny new Power Warrior, it was like...destiny.

And do you know what? It was the same feeling i had when i was a kid, every year, the night before Christmas, wishing for the original Optimus Prime to be under that tree the next morning. The same feeling. Only infinitely stronger.

Anyway, i returned again the next day, hoping this time to avoid Supervisor "Lee". But alas, to my disgust. he was still there. As soon as our eyes met, we shot each other dagger like stares, but nothing was stopping me this time. I strode up to the counter and slammed down my five English pounds. Yeah, it was food money for the next couple days, but fuck food when you've got a Power Warrior, and fuck supervisor "Lee". I had a mother crushing Power Warrior!

I'm not lying when i say that, when i got home, i actually ran up the stairs to my room.

And at this point, i turn to the medium of photography to relate my tale...

Oh my days, check out the packaging! Sick! And he even has a black helmet! None of this pussy ass blue helmet bullshit. And i'll bet a stack of God Tier ex-rentals that he doesn't take off the front plate to reveal a fucking pair of lips and a mouth.



Always use a scalpel to open your Power Warriors, no one wants to damage packaging this sweet.



I don't think this guy can actually control the amount of justice he is distributing right now.



Bulldozer chap is too sick!



I like to imagine he stands on Bad-Man Prime's shoulder (I think that's what i'll refer to him as from now on) hurling the fruits of a hard days bulldozing at passers by.



Check out the weaponry. As we used to say in the 80's: Well skill!



At first i was curious as to why he was made to hold the axe in such an unorthodox fashion. But then i realised the only move a guy this awesome would need is this kind of brutal overhead-vertical-smash. It very quickly all made sense.



Then i kind of wondered about the pistol. It seemed like there was no way for him to hold it. It seemed like i had to forcibly jam it in his hand somehow. The grip just didn't fit. For a second i was perplexed. Then, once again, i realised my folly!

Of course! Why bother actually shooting people, when you can overhead-vertical-smash with an axe in one hand, whilst simultaneously overhead-vertically-pistol-whip-smash with the other? Bad-Man Prime is clearly all about bludgeonation!



And check out this fucking Cannon! You could vaporize a small township of Transformers The Movie characters with a couple of shots from that mother!



Now witness truck mode. Do you see any "X -TREME" flame graphics running down the sides of this thing? No. I don't fucking think so. Blunt. Crushing. Bludgeoning. Just the way a truck should be.



Awesome.



And finally, here he is. In all his glorious robotic majesty! Save this picture people, burn into your retinas. tatoo it on your faces. I have seen the way, and it is Power Warriors!