You! Yes you! There! Right there! Have you always wanted to be an independent filmmaker? Yes? Are you arrogant? Conceited about the worth of your talent? Overjudging the worth of your work to society? You bet?! Well how about being an Indie filmmaker instead? It's very similar to being an independent filmmaker only with a forced plot, unlikeable characters, and a predictable storyline! You, yes you can be the next hero of a fourteen-year-old Fall Out Boy fan with an overestimated appreciation for film and a vast superiority complex! I'm talkin' bout you, Zach Braff!
Introducing the Generic Hipster/Indie Film Guidelines! Using only these few, simple rules, you too can make abominable films about unrealistic people with little to no regard for character development, from the safety of your own home! Here's how!
1) You must have a male who has just undergone a catastrophy in his life
No hipster film is even recognizable without a downtrodden sucker who's just suffered some kind of horrible calamity in his life. Whether it's John Hawkes's divorce in Me And You And Everyone We Know, Orlando Bloom's failed shoe design - yes, shoe design, even the most unbelievable plots pass for brilliance in a quality Hipster Film - in Elizabethtown, the death of Robert Downey Jr's crime partner in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, or Greg Kinnear's failed career in Little Miss Sunshine EVERY film needs an unlikeable man who's somehow not responsible for the problems in his life that he himself creates! Remember, future indie filmmaker, it's everyone else's fault! That way, when "critics" inevitably pass off your film as garbage and drivel, you yourself can claim kinship with the character that in fact is based partly on - yourself!
2) You must have a Quirky Female
Ah yes, that way you, the filmmaker, won't have to spend nearly any time developing her character, because, well, she's already developed! All you need to know is that she loves birds, or touches stickers whenever she sees them, or suffers tourette's syndrome, or loves KISS, and you know that she is an extremely interesting, almost loveable person! And dialogue? You wish! Just have her focus on her own quirks and do nothing but make complex, annoying comparisons of small misfortunes with God Himself, and bingo, you've got a well-developed female character who is more than a pair of talking tits and the availability of a sex scene later on, well after your film has become dull and embarrassing to watch! Like Natalie Portman in Garden State, or Kirsten Dunst in every single one of her movies!
3) Catastrophe Male must meet Quirky Female and most likely fall in love with her
Every film needs a relationship! And in order for your film to work, the male must fall in love with the female, no matter how embarrassing her actions are, like Miranda July, or how empty her head is, like any of the girls in The Virgin Suicides. And if she's a wholly unlikeable, contrived female with absolutely no personality, like Natalie Portman in Garden State? Who cares? Indie film fans decide beforehand how good a movie is! They just use the two hours they squirm through it as ample time to make half-assed excuses for their own contrived taste in movies! Such as, "You just don't get it," * or, "It's over your head," * or, "He just doesn't speak to you like he does me!" *
*Actual statements of Garden State fans.
4) Quirky Female must do Quirky Things to substitute for her substantial lack of character development
Well duh, Future Indie Filmmaker! This one is obvious! For any example, simply watch Me And You And Everyone We Know. If you think having your female put nylons on her ears is too contrived to ever be recognizable as cognizant human behavior, think again! The possibilities are endless! She is, after all, only a cliche!
5) You must have a Wise Elder, to dictate terms of endearment to Catastrophe Male
Otherwise how will he ever make up his mind on his own that it's actually good for him to get into a relationship with an annoying bitch like Natalie Portman's character in Garden State? This character must play the father (or mother!) figure, and pass down age-old cliches about the value of life and love in order to convince the male that it's actually worth it to ruin his life! But if you think the elder, like Alan Arkin in Little Miss Sunshine, can only pass on advice to a male, well, think again! After all, Hector Elias passes down tons of cliche advice to Miranda July in Me And You And Everyone We Know, and she's a woman! Because, Future Hipster Filmmaker, indie filmmaking is an equal-opportunity life-destroyer! We aren't sexist here!
6) Through Quirky Female, Catastrophe Male finds his way in life.
Does this sound unrealistic to you? Do you think an aggravating person would actually make it harder to endure a tragic twist in life? Well you'd be right! But this isn't real life, or even a recognizable representation of it! This is Hipster Filmmaking! After all, would Orlando Bloom have ever gotten back on his feet without agonizingly painful-to-witness phone calls with Kirsten Dunst? Of course he would! But this is indie film folks! Would the narrator of The Virgin Suicides have ever grown up right and become successful without having met four dull, uninteresting girls? I think we know the answer to that question! But after all, we have to justify the existence of the annoying female, so why not make her the sole reason for the male's successful road to recovery? After all, if she wasn't, the audience might begin to find her useless, annoying, trite, and mindlessly dull! Do you yourself find the female unbearable to live with any longer? Well then take the Virgin Suicides way out and kill her! That way, 90% of the audience might finally have a reason to cheer! And the added sappy melodrama of a dead lover will push your quality Hipster Film that much farther into the abyss of indecency!
7) Generally, all of this is done to a hip indie soundtrack that will be irrelevant in less than a year.
It must be timely, after all, because it's not like true art transcends time and generations to touch us all! Only those who like the trendy music are capable of comprehending the film's value to society! Besides, otherwise, how would you communicate how pretentious the film is? Oh right! With everything else!
Using these few, easy guidelines, anyone can become a callous, annoying, mouth-breathing idiot with a camera in his hand and the hearts of millions of thirteen-year-old self-proclaimed oucasts with vast overestimates of their worth! Go on, give it a try! I guarantee you won't be disappointed!
Introducing the Generic Hipster/Indie Film Guidelines! Using only these few, simple rules, you too can make abominable films about unrealistic people with little to no regard for character development, from the safety of your own home! Here's how!
1) You must have a male who has just undergone a catastrophy in his life
No hipster film is even recognizable without a downtrodden sucker who's just suffered some kind of horrible calamity in his life. Whether it's John Hawkes's divorce in Me And You And Everyone We Know, Orlando Bloom's failed shoe design - yes, shoe design, even the most unbelievable plots pass for brilliance in a quality Hipster Film - in Elizabethtown, the death of Robert Downey Jr's crime partner in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, or Greg Kinnear's failed career in Little Miss Sunshine EVERY film needs an unlikeable man who's somehow not responsible for the problems in his life that he himself creates! Remember, future indie filmmaker, it's everyone else's fault! That way, when "critics" inevitably pass off your film as garbage and drivel, you yourself can claim kinship with the character that in fact is based partly on - yourself!
2) You must have a Quirky Female
Ah yes, that way you, the filmmaker, won't have to spend nearly any time developing her character, because, well, she's already developed! All you need to know is that she loves birds, or touches stickers whenever she sees them, or suffers tourette's syndrome, or loves KISS, and you know that she is an extremely interesting, almost loveable person! And dialogue? You wish! Just have her focus on her own quirks and do nothing but make complex, annoying comparisons of small misfortunes with God Himself, and bingo, you've got a well-developed female character who is more than a pair of talking tits and the availability of a sex scene later on, well after your film has become dull and embarrassing to watch! Like Natalie Portman in Garden State, or Kirsten Dunst in every single one of her movies!
3) Catastrophe Male must meet Quirky Female and most likely fall in love with her
Every film needs a relationship! And in order for your film to work, the male must fall in love with the female, no matter how embarrassing her actions are, like Miranda July, or how empty her head is, like any of the girls in The Virgin Suicides. And if she's a wholly unlikeable, contrived female with absolutely no personality, like Natalie Portman in Garden State? Who cares? Indie film fans decide beforehand how good a movie is! They just use the two hours they squirm through it as ample time to make half-assed excuses for their own contrived taste in movies! Such as, "You just don't get it," * or, "It's over your head," * or, "He just doesn't speak to you like he does me!" *
*Actual statements of Garden State fans.
4) Quirky Female must do Quirky Things to substitute for her substantial lack of character development
Well duh, Future Indie Filmmaker! This one is obvious! For any example, simply watch Me And You And Everyone We Know. If you think having your female put nylons on her ears is too contrived to ever be recognizable as cognizant human behavior, think again! The possibilities are endless! She is, after all, only a cliche!
5) You must have a Wise Elder, to dictate terms of endearment to Catastrophe Male
Otherwise how will he ever make up his mind on his own that it's actually good for him to get into a relationship with an annoying bitch like Natalie Portman's character in Garden State? This character must play the father (or mother!) figure, and pass down age-old cliches about the value of life and love in order to convince the male that it's actually worth it to ruin his life! But if you think the elder, like Alan Arkin in Little Miss Sunshine, can only pass on advice to a male, well, think again! After all, Hector Elias passes down tons of cliche advice to Miranda July in Me And You And Everyone We Know, and she's a woman! Because, Future Hipster Filmmaker, indie filmmaking is an equal-opportunity life-destroyer! We aren't sexist here!
6) Through Quirky Female, Catastrophe Male finds his way in life.
Does this sound unrealistic to you? Do you think an aggravating person would actually make it harder to endure a tragic twist in life? Well you'd be right! But this isn't real life, or even a recognizable representation of it! This is Hipster Filmmaking! After all, would Orlando Bloom have ever gotten back on his feet without agonizingly painful-to-witness phone calls with Kirsten Dunst? Of course he would! But this is indie film folks! Would the narrator of The Virgin Suicides have ever grown up right and become successful without having met four dull, uninteresting girls? I think we know the answer to that question! But after all, we have to justify the existence of the annoying female, so why not make her the sole reason for the male's successful road to recovery? After all, if she wasn't, the audience might begin to find her useless, annoying, trite, and mindlessly dull! Do you yourself find the female unbearable to live with any longer? Well then take the Virgin Suicides way out and kill her! That way, 90% of the audience might finally have a reason to cheer! And the added sappy melodrama of a dead lover will push your quality Hipster Film that much farther into the abyss of indecency!
7) Generally, all of this is done to a hip indie soundtrack that will be irrelevant in less than a year.
It must be timely, after all, because it's not like true art transcends time and generations to touch us all! Only those who like the trendy music are capable of comprehending the film's value to society! Besides, otherwise, how would you communicate how pretentious the film is? Oh right! With everything else!
Using these few, easy guidelines, anyone can become a callous, annoying, mouth-breathing idiot with a camera in his hand and the hearts of millions of thirteen-year-old self-proclaimed oucasts with vast overestimates of their worth! Go on, give it a try! I guarantee you won't be disappointed!
brightredscream:
You're fucking fabulous 