Here I sit, pondering, reading, musing.... Going through group after group, reading everyone's stories of love, betrayal, passions, obsessions... I can't stop reflecting on my own current affairs of the heart. If I had to describe myself based on these events, adjectives such as idiot, fool, and blind, would be at the top of the list. In order to understand, I have to start at the beginning.
3 years ago... Almost to the day, I was a lost soul, merely going through the motions in a virtual world of sorts. Until one day I discover what I thought to be the most amazing woman whom I ever met, but being the downtrodden fool that I was, I was overly cautious and she was overly patient. She wore me down, opened me up and comforted my heart. It was no secret that she was involved in a relationship with someone in "real life" and our relationship was to be strictly online, he knew and consented. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months... 6 months to be exact. The decision to take our relationship and make more of it had been made, the problem lied in the 1000 mile space between us. So in order to make a giant leap into the world of Poly and truly test our feelings for one another, I made the decision to move, while enrolling in a nearby technical school to act as sort of a buffer to ease the transition. Things went as expected, our feelings grew even more, but not without our fair share of problems. However, what I didn't know at the time, was this was also the beginning of the slow downfall of our relationship which became an on again off again kinda thing. Fast forward almost 2 years and toss in a load of trust issues brought on by a series of poor choices on both our parts, she's now engaged to the other guy and yet still wants to hold onto me and I still hold onto the hope of winning her over, despite all the issues. Now for the perverse part of the story.... I'm not sure why I'm holding onto that hope any longer, my feelings for her are certainly different now. Often times I simply feel like an escape for her while she subdues my fear of loneliness. Each moment merely fleeting before the next fall. I know for certainty that I am miserable, maybe more so than when I met her, and yet I can't let go. I know there's no hope for a happy ending and yet I can't let go. Trust me, I have tried more times than I can count, yet all it takes is one call, one text and, for the moment, I forget about all the crap of the past. It's really just an endless loop, repeating itself infinitely. So why can't I let go?
There's an infinite number of excuses for why, but I have yet to discover a real reason. Before her, I was married for just over 10 yrs to a woman who cheated on me for the last 3 years and yet I stayed for the sake of our daughter. And before her, I was involved in any number of relationships that usually ended the same. And now this one as well, leaves me feeling the same, while I am certain she's never cheated on me. So while this cycle constantly repeats itself, I realize that it's all my doing, all my choices, my inability to let go, my seemingly endless devotion to loyalty. So I have all the answers, I know the right things to do, so why can't I end the cycle and find happiness? Life's too short for this bullshit.
It has to end, now.
