flipp

*takes a deep breath and reflects*

Coming home and seeing everyone (barring joe, beth and malia...and i'll see them tonight...) has had such a searing impact on me. My mind, heart, and spirit have been reformed, renewed...and at the same time relentlessly torn in twain. And no matter how I try, I can't stop thinking of, wishing for, and hoping...always hoping...that someday she'll decide that she wants to be mine.

One would think that after the entire Samantha fiasco a few years ago I would learn my lesson about pining away after a girl, or even letting her continue to permeate my thoughts as it's finished...as it's over...and yet, it's not really something i can control at the time.

I'm still confused about so much, and yet i'm finally coming to grips with the fact that I'll never have answers. To some questions, sometimes, there are no answers. Only the kind that beg more questions. I'll never understand how someone can tell someone they love them and have a girlfriend on the side. I can't understand how someone can say that they love me forever, want me forever, but don't want me forever right now. I can't get my head around it, but I have to accept it, because that's how reality is.

Maybe that's what you've been trying to tell me all this time...that there are some things i will never understand...and if i ever wanted a hope of ever being with you at any time in the future, i'd just need to accept that things are the way they are.

The only thing, about all of this, that i'm still sorry about is that i cannot accept that this was the only option.

I know it doesn't matter if i can't accept it. I know that you probably don't care whether I do or not. I know you've chilled your heart towards me. I know that it's a frigid block because that's the only way you found to do all this...shut your heart down, and lock the doors. At least when it came to me.

I still can't see how it's possible to feel as you said you did for me, and then just shut it down because you don't have time. I don't see it, I can't see it, and because of this, I'm not going to try and see it anymore. All it does, this attempt to understand...is make things worse on this end, make the days lonlier, and make the forging into the future all the more druging.

You said you didn't see me working towards my future. You quit asking. You quit, at least while talking to me, being interested in what i was doing to further my future. Maybe you'd be happy to know that i'll be out of debt excepting the IRS by January. Maybe you'd like to know that i've finally found what truly makes me happy. Maybe, just maybe, you'd like to hear what i'm doing to come closer to that end...and maybe even how i'm juggling that along with loving you and focusing on my family and friends and social life and all else. Maybe...but probably not.

You're lost to me, and it's about time i gave up I guess.

If you know me at all though, you know I can't just give up. That's not my way. I don't just write something off as impossible and walk away from it chalking it up to a dream.

I fight, I claw, I hurt, I toil, I try, I exhaust myself.

And the next day, I wake up and do it all over again.

Why? Well, heh...because it's what one does as a human being. We help others, we try to enrich the lives of those around us, we try to "pay it forward," we remember the Golden Rule, we live as we would want someone else to live our life.

Yah...

Someone, once, told me "The best way to live your life is this: Imagine someone else had control of your life, not you...and live as you would want -them- to live your life."

Mull that over a bit, dear reader.

This entry, as you may have guessed by now, is an unloading. Getting things off my chest. Maybe it doesn't belong here, in a public journal, but y'know what...I don't keep a paper one, so deal.

Tomorrow (monday) I head back to work for a few weeks until i take soem time off for Christmas. I can't believe it's Christmas time already...the snow, the beauty, the reflection, the pain...the loss...the times we think about those we miss.

You will be on the top of the list of people I miss, my moon and stars, you will be for some time. I'm already missing you, and we still talk from time to time.

But, that doesn't matter either...

I know there's a whole lot more than "just school" occupying every single waking moment of your life. filling it to the point you didn't have a few minutes from time to time to call your boyfriend just to let him know you cared, and let him in on what's going on in your life. There has to be...you're too active, there's too many new pictures, and too many people seeing you out and about. I understand, now, that the day you started school I ceased to be important. At all.

And you're very right. That i can never handle...no one can.

You keep saying "I told you this was going to happen" and i keep saying "...and I told you it didn't have to be this way..." I hoped, that if i showed you I'd be here, that you'd stay as well (man...i'm a broken record aren't i...). You didn't. I don't know if you ever had (once you started school, of course) any intentions to do so. Hell, I didn't even know when you moved in...i found out a few days later.

Impossibilities, tho, are always in your head. remember our state motto "With God ALL things are possible" (emphasis added).

Am I in any position to be pious? LOL not at all. I'm not preaching, neither am i saying that i remember that most of the time. I'm not even saying that you should / should not belive in God.

I'm saying that believing that impossibilities exist at all is just in your head. It's your own limitations that make things impossible. Not circumstances.

I'm rambling.

I'm going to go smoke a cigarette.

Maybe i'll finish this later.

Maybe.