fistfuck

Ugh. I missed this place. My membership lapsed and I was unable to pay for it for a while - still cant afford it technically but I never realized how much I loved this place until it was gone.

Its been a... weird... few months. I have kind of reach a weird point in my life. heh. I am not sure where I want to be. I think my problem is I grew up watching romantic movies and I have a altered sense of love. Now my daughters watch these movies over and over that remind me of the fact that my love life is severely lacking. I am just short of finalizing my divorce and I am just short of turning 29... I feel a bit lost. I have my career... and my kids... and thats all im certain of. Maybe I expect too much out of men. I like feeling secure... I like feeling protected... I like someone who is romantic... but yet also tough and confident... and hot. haha. with tattoos.... and a career. Maybe my prince charming doesn't really exist. Bleh.

My daughters have me watching Twilight like OVER and OVER and OVER. This shit doesnt help my current mind situation. Fuck. That guy is pretty hot. Well at least he is with his clothes on - haha.

I saw NIN last week.... on his supposed "final tour" - It was a awesome show... I loved it. I also went to the doc and got the results on my CT scans and such. They have discovered I also have a dilated aortic stem. So on top of my two bad valves I also have something up with my aorta. So i am not really supposed to exercise... and im not really supposed to over exert myself... and watch for a bunch of symptoms that will prove if my condition has gotten worse. Still will have year echos of my heart and such to monitor the progression and decide at which point I will need to have surgery. I also am to get a medical id bracelet... which I have ordered and should arrive in a week or so... that basically states I am a heart patient and has my doctors contact info. Just incase. I spend a lot of time alone so we decided it was best.... I drive alone alot. I am home alone alot. I take the kids to parks, theme parks and this summer to the beach alone - so bleh... just incase.

I missed you guys so much.