A letter to myself:
Hello Kam,
Tonight, you got drunk, you went out with your best of friends, and you return home, completely depressed. You don't know why, all that you assume is that for some reason your meds aren't working today. On the way home you want to punch signs, walls, anything to shatter any and every bone in your hand; yet you don't, you don't know why, other than the fact that you somehow practice self restraint. You know there are knives in your room, in your kitchen, and various other places, and you want to cut, yet you know it won't help, not a single bit, not a single moment that goes by will free yourself from feeling like you want to cry about your life, but you can't. Finally, after a walk home you're greeted by your cute, adorable puppy, who should make everything better, he doesn't. On that note however, you know that every time you look at him you smile, he means the world to you, not that everything else means nothing to you, but he's most likely the one thing keeping you alive. You wonder if you deserve a girl, you wonder if you love a girl, you've always been a hopeless romantic and will most likely never outgrow such a feature. It's not necessarily a bad feature, but it certainly causes more pain than it's worth. You feel that meeting her friend tonight was almost a test, you're hypercompentitive, but you bit your tongue because she's that amazing. Even now, drunk off your ass you're correcting spelling and grammar to make sure that it's right.
You haven't felt like this in a long time and you really wanted to remind yourself how it feels to be so extremely low, for what appears to be no apparent reason. At this point you contemplate giving up alcohol, cuddling with your roomate because you know that will make you feel better, or even going to an after party and making a mistake I'm sure you will regret forever. It hurts to think, to love, to laugh, to be sad, it hurts to everything, and really, you have no idea where this comes from. Life is good, you finished your tattoo, but it's impossible to focus on the good things. Because even the good things have a downside. Yes, I found someone I actually like in 5+ years, the problem is you...just it's you. You know what I mean, you know what it feels like. You don't think you deserve them, they are amazing, you are not. She said that tonight was "the first time you've been honest" in awhile. You don't really know what that means. You blame her for not asking the right questions, but maybe it's really you, you who isn't trusting, forcing people to ask questions before they get answers. You don't really know, all you know is at this point, at this point in time you wanted to remind yourself of the pain that you felt tonight, so you posted this, not so that you could feel the pain again, but so that hopefully, just hopefully you could overcome it. Your quote on this website is that "We accept the love we think we deserve." That's certainly true, but what happens if you think you deserve none? What happens when you think that you're honestly so hard to love that you don't think it's worth anyone's trouble? Just what then? I mean, where do you go from there...
Hello Kam,
Tonight, you got drunk, you went out with your best of friends, and you return home, completely depressed. You don't know why, all that you assume is that for some reason your meds aren't working today. On the way home you want to punch signs, walls, anything to shatter any and every bone in your hand; yet you don't, you don't know why, other than the fact that you somehow practice self restraint. You know there are knives in your room, in your kitchen, and various other places, and you want to cut, yet you know it won't help, not a single bit, not a single moment that goes by will free yourself from feeling like you want to cry about your life, but you can't. Finally, after a walk home you're greeted by your cute, adorable puppy, who should make everything better, he doesn't. On that note however, you know that every time you look at him you smile, he means the world to you, not that everything else means nothing to you, but he's most likely the one thing keeping you alive. You wonder if you deserve a girl, you wonder if you love a girl, you've always been a hopeless romantic and will most likely never outgrow such a feature. It's not necessarily a bad feature, but it certainly causes more pain than it's worth. You feel that meeting her friend tonight was almost a test, you're hypercompentitive, but you bit your tongue because she's that amazing. Even now, drunk off your ass you're correcting spelling and grammar to make sure that it's right.
You haven't felt like this in a long time and you really wanted to remind yourself how it feels to be so extremely low, for what appears to be no apparent reason. At this point you contemplate giving up alcohol, cuddling with your roomate because you know that will make you feel better, or even going to an after party and making a mistake I'm sure you will regret forever. It hurts to think, to love, to laugh, to be sad, it hurts to everything, and really, you have no idea where this comes from. Life is good, you finished your tattoo, but it's impossible to focus on the good things. Because even the good things have a downside. Yes, I found someone I actually like in 5+ years, the problem is you...just it's you. You know what I mean, you know what it feels like. You don't think you deserve them, they are amazing, you are not. She said that tonight was "the first time you've been honest" in awhile. You don't really know what that means. You blame her for not asking the right questions, but maybe it's really you, you who isn't trusting, forcing people to ask questions before they get answers. You don't really know, all you know is at this point, at this point in time you wanted to remind yourself of the pain that you felt tonight, so you posted this, not so that you could feel the pain again, but so that hopefully, just hopefully you could overcome it. Your quote on this website is that "We accept the love we think we deserve." That's certainly true, but what happens if you think you deserve none? What happens when you think that you're honestly so hard to love that you don't think it's worth anyone's trouble? Just what then? I mean, where do you go from there...