finklestein

Why did you tell me about catbees? Thank you for turning my otherwise pleasant dreamscape of dandelions and footrubs into a nightmare jigsaw of interspecific fornication and cosmological effrontery. Cats and bees should never breed. They would have stingers for claws, for chrissake. The neighborhood alley cat mews innocently enough, but I now know a dubious apian-feline timebomb hums in her womb. I'm never giving...
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I wished there were two mes. You know, mostly for time management purposes. But then I realized, knowing myself, that the not-me-me would also want two mes and this would spur a dreadful number of not-not-me-me-mes and not-...-not-me-...-me-mes -- well, you get the idea. Not just infinity, but so many infinities that even the infinities to the infinitieth powers are to the infinitieth power. Like...
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All this mnemonic pollution is giving my concentration asthma. So I sued the Fortune 500s' marketing departments. Nothing really changed, but at least now they're paying for long term storage. It's like renting an apartment. You live there and own nothing. Jingles and mascots and taglines, oh my!

Tectonic plates do-si-do on Sundays after mass at the tenuous plywood chapel the Dudsens built. After mass, they brood and drink moonshine and complain the world ain't what it used to be. Yip.

God is reserved for ineffable matters. Not permanently, more of a pending loan approval. Then a proverb or theorem escorts the adoringly senile coot back to the old folks' home from which he broke. And pleased to know our parents are cared for, we unwind rather than breed our own children.

There are different ways to make sure you're still made of meat. Some watch their pupils contract and dilate. Others prefer taste their menses or grope for umbilical phantoms or drum predictable heart beats. I like to hiccup.

Stop gender pollution. Recycle housewives.

The International Coterie of Outlawry (ICO) is a furtive society that admits members by basis of bloodline - an infinitesimal percent of the global population qualifies. Participation and admittance is automatic and irrefutable. No discernible hierarchy exists, though many individuals claim authority.

Authorities have had difficulties determining the motive of the group, though volumes of their behaviors have been recorded. The ICO has devised an...
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It used to be so easy. Hunt a few mammoths, paint your cave, leave some fossils behind. Then we had to construct all these goddamned DMVs and supermarkets and 401Ks. Now I have to howl out of frustration because item 4(a(iii)) clearly contradicts item 8(a(iv)) rather than because the moon is full.

Arf!

Sometimes, last call at home is right after dinner.

The sun abandons the street around 8pm - the stores clammed up into their graffitied shells and shimmer with an implied iridescence. Stray cars and intermittent buses slow and stop and go and slow and stop and go, obeying instructions tuned to the traffic-wounded day. Now the street is barren and I can yell and kick...
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Your personality, a teeter totter, is mounted by Sleep and Stress (both boys of a healthy, if not husky, build). Now a balanced load, while safe, bores the children. They sit in discomfort, stout legs dangling and kicking anxiously, bored.

Now, as children, they are gluttons. Sleep fancies beer and reading and orgasms. Stress prefers cigarettes and vomitting and fucking. Should one gorge, he'll surely...
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She patiently waited, as he had countless times before, for flaccidity. In a rehearsed procedure consisting of a flick, a tuck, and a mechanical gyration, she entered him. He recycled her fluids. And there slumped Morgan, the last man and woman on earth, knowing perfectly well it was impossible for him to impregnate herself.