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finch

Boise

SG Since 2003

Followers 560 Following 174

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Saturday Feb 19, 2005

Feb 19, 2005
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i wonder if, in the end, we're all fulfilling some kind of self-proclaimed prophecies. you know, one of those things that you think, and because you think it it makes it true. like... i can never be happy. i'll never be in love. i'm crazy. i'm stupid. i can't do it. it's not worth it.

i wonder why we do these things. why is it, that when it comes down to it, we find our own faults and focus on them? perhaps we even make up faults that aren't really there. periodically we turn our backs on those we love. we try and push them away. if we're lucky they'll push back and we don't lose them. why is it that people tend to make the world look dark and scary even when their lives at the time are quite the opposite?

perhaps many of us are really afraid of being happy. maybe if we allow ourselves to be happy, if we allow ourselves to let others in, just for awhile, we'll end up even more alone than we were to begin with. maybe once we've been happy, really happy, it seems inevitable that it will disappear and we'll be left more alone and miserable than ever before. maybe, by pretending it's not there, by pushing away, by focusing on the bad instead of the good, we fool ourselves into thinking that we aren't as happy as we are. that things aren't as good as they are.

this is dangerous. sometimes we're genuinely fooled. sometimes we genuinely fool those around us. sometimes we're successful when we push people away. sometimes no matter how hard they try to push back, we don't let them in. eventually they'll give up; they have to. eventually we really won't ever be happy. we really won't ever love or be loved. we really can't do it. because we won't let ourselves.

and what if we recognize this? does recognizing it somehow make it so that it won't happen? does it make us stop? i don't think so. i think we can recognize it and still let it happen. and that's sad.

i dunno if anybody's gonna be reading this at this point. it wasn't necessarily written to be read. just me thinking aloud. sometimes typing helps to get thoughts out, i suppose.

and just in case you're wondering, nothing has "happened" to spur this. just thinking. it happens sometimes, thinking does. wink
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
boundcreature:
i kinda find things to be the opposite, i spend so much time focusing on what i know i'm capable of, that i get frustrated that everything else in the world doesn't move as fast as my brain... as far as people, i think its just hard to commit so much of yourself to someone else if you've been burned a couple of times in the past, its easy to be naive, but its hard as hell to have that wisdom from past experience... its making me be very slow and very deliberate with the girl, i don't want to fall-for-her-blindly, if i am thinking about her all day, i want it to be for who she is, not who i want her to be, etc... but sometimes its so hard to just shut off all of my brain and lose myself in her when she is in my bed... usually i don't think about it though.
Feb 20, 2005
broadwaybee:
Go out and get THIS BOOK.
Feb 21, 2005

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