it's one or another, between a rope and a bottle-- i can tell you're having trouble breathing.
sometimes, i wonder about drugs and alcohol. it could quite possibly be that i'm going back into my anti-those things days mindset, but today i was thinking about it a bit. i was hardcore about it for a long time. wouldn't kiss anybody who smoked. wouldn't date anybody who constantly high or drunk. sometimes, i feel like i should go back to those days. i've seen too many people get too dependent and too fucked up because of drugs and alcohol. yes, i realize that not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic and not everybody who does drugs is addicted. but sometimes when i'm about to have a drink, i think about my sister and her alcoholic tendencies, and i wonder what the hell i'm doing. because of my work at school i've seen kids so drunk they're sitting in their own vomit, not aware of anything at all. i've (accidentally) gotten so drunk that the next two days i felt like shit because i had poisoned my body.
...there's no point to this, for me. not right now. it doesn't make any of my problems go away any faster. i would rather remember the conversations i have with people than forget them. i would rather know that people like me for me, when i'm being myself, when i'm sober, then wonder if people only like me because either i or they aren't sober.
oddly enough, i think about this when things get tough. it's too easy for me, and i can't take easy ways out. i read comics that are about these desolate people in desolate situations. and i see myself in them. i see my family in them. and that's really fucking upsetting. sometimes i think about what would happen if my mom committed suicide, or if my sister did, because both of those are realistic possibilities. i think about the next time i see her, and wonder how scarred up she's going to be. i think about my other sister and wonder if/when she's gonna pick up the eating disorders and depression that both my mom and older sister have. she's a lot like my older sister was when she was her age.
this is my life. i can't afford to do something to fuck myself up when they need me. when i need to be there for them. and i do. sometimes being the strong one is hard, and sometimes it gets old. but i still have to do it. nobody else will.
PS-- yes, i talk about serious personal issues in my journal. i'm not one to hide things. if you're uncomfortable, just don't read it. okay? okay.
sometimes, i wonder about drugs and alcohol. it could quite possibly be that i'm going back into my anti-those things days mindset, but today i was thinking about it a bit. i was hardcore about it for a long time. wouldn't kiss anybody who smoked. wouldn't date anybody who constantly high or drunk. sometimes, i feel like i should go back to those days. i've seen too many people get too dependent and too fucked up because of drugs and alcohol. yes, i realize that not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic and not everybody who does drugs is addicted. but sometimes when i'm about to have a drink, i think about my sister and her alcoholic tendencies, and i wonder what the hell i'm doing. because of my work at school i've seen kids so drunk they're sitting in their own vomit, not aware of anything at all. i've (accidentally) gotten so drunk that the next two days i felt like shit because i had poisoned my body.
...there's no point to this, for me. not right now. it doesn't make any of my problems go away any faster. i would rather remember the conversations i have with people than forget them. i would rather know that people like me for me, when i'm being myself, when i'm sober, then wonder if people only like me because either i or they aren't sober.
oddly enough, i think about this when things get tough. it's too easy for me, and i can't take easy ways out. i read comics that are about these desolate people in desolate situations. and i see myself in them. i see my family in them. and that's really fucking upsetting. sometimes i think about what would happen if my mom committed suicide, or if my sister did, because both of those are realistic possibilities. i think about the next time i see her, and wonder how scarred up she's going to be. i think about my other sister and wonder if/when she's gonna pick up the eating disorders and depression that both my mom and older sister have. she's a lot like my older sister was when she was her age.
this is my life. i can't afford to do something to fuck myself up when they need me. when i need to be there for them. and i do. sometimes being the strong one is hard, and sometimes it gets old. but i still have to do it. nobody else will.
PS-- yes, i talk about serious personal issues in my journal. i'm not one to hide things. if you're uncomfortable, just don't read it. okay? okay.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
i got the vibe that she took the piercings out, not to be normal, but kind of as a lark; to get the job with the guy she was strangely attracted to. she never manages to look normal throughout anyway...
as far as not having the holes left in her face... yeah, how much can you ask for really?
anyway, i mostly just liked the ways that the characters developed and i really dug the performances.