Hello...

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So, it's been a while. I ak writing this from my cell while smoking in the garden. I just spent the last hour crying my heart out with my psychiatrist. Human's connections can be so fragile and deceiving. I am going through a hard af time (when am i not, right?) and i can't shelter in nobody it seems. I feel alone and weak, i believe life is about sharing it with others, but what can i do when there's no one else there who wants to share this life with me? I know this blog may seem quite dull and depressing...oh, well. I've been trying to gather energy to write something better and far more interesting, i want to be able to do the weekly blog homeworks but atm, i am so unfocused. My mind is everywhere, i have fallen and shattered, and now all these parts of me are running around in pure histeria. I was ok until two weeks ago, and for as long as a month! It was such an accomplishment...but now i re entered this f hole. Living with BPD is like having a knife up your us, make the wrong movement and you loose. Quite the analogy there, ain't it?

On other news, I've been modeling quite a lot, almost every weekend. I am also trying to work with less mainstream artists, try to work with more female or non-cis photographers. I want to create a whole body of work that shows art as this wholesomeness, when i think about it as ne being part of something bigger and transcendental than the me writing these words, i feel better about existing.

Almost forgot! This year i am cosplaying a sushi plate! Lol. I will be modeling in an event called Bs As Exxxotica, the main course, body sushi! I'm so excited to be able to be part of this amazing event and it's all thanks to lovely @krito đź’–

Love,

Fem.

VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
femen:
@twolf79 thanks so much for sharing your own experience with me. And everything you said is sl true. Sometimes i wonder what would be of me without my meds if on them i still feel so shitty. Let's keep strong together, you are right, we are not alone in this struggle, getting better is a real possibility. Thanks so much đź’›
orock:
it's a struggle, and you do so beautifully.  you enrich us with your artistic expression.  there is something so annoyingly absurd about that voice in our heads that takes something wonderful and makes it terrifying, like your compassionate character and desire to share getting turned back against you as a failure to share "enough" or whatever.  and as a fellow member of Team Meds & Therapy, I'd like to cautiously suggest looking into whether the shamanic/psychedelic world might be able to help out.  I can only say that I had a fundamental change in my condition after a breakthrough experience with DMT this year.  years of cognitive therapy had helped me identify and minimize the power of my habitual negative thought patterns, which the meds helped with too, especially the acute ~psychotic episodes.  but for several months now since crossing some mental threshold with that amazing chemical, those patterns have literally stopped.  the voice of the negative thoughts has been quiet.  things aren't perfect, I still take a low dose of anti-depressants and keep anti-anxiety meds around, but that particular phenomenon, the intrusive negative thoughts, which used to be a regular part of my daily experience, is gone.  certainly results may vary, I can only tell you what worked for me, but for me it has been nothing short of miraculous,  close to the "magic pill", though I'm fairly certain that it only worked as well as it did because of already having done much therapy, meditation, and these other healing techniques.  it just was the final boost that got me over a hill I'd been climbing for years.  again, DMT specifically might not work for you like it did for me, but the general point is, healing happens, and making a habit of seeking out ways to try to get better will produce good results.  I wasn't sure if I should share this, because somehow I feel like I lucked out and don't want to encourage other people into admittedly risky actions (though that risk can be managed by experienced, trustworthy people), but on the other hand I decided it has made too big a positive difference on me for me to not at least share my own experience and hope that others might have something similar.  in any case, warm thoughts and many thanks to you

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