fellinibird

i really hate my blogs. i also hate that my computer is fried. if you've been missing me from your online life at all, that's why. it has a virus called extra antivir. spybot didn't work, neither did avast. sooo i can either pay $60 to remove it and hope all is well, save and get a computer, or just be without a computer for an undetermined amount of time. right now i'm fine with the third option.

i'm going to chicago for new years eve to take drugs and see justice dj with a friend that just became a friend again. might be a reckless decision, i'm okay with that.

work is awesome. unpacking and displaying brand new bubble bars is one of the best things i've ever done in my life. it's sort of like christmas but more than that they feel so precious and perfect, every single one, and it's my job to make them even more beautiful. seriously, fresh out the box those things are better than diamonds especially Sunny Side. the water also turns this beautiful liquid gold color, who wouldn't want to bathe in liquid gold??? (why am i trying to sell product in my off time?)

so Gary confirmed that he wants nothing more to do with me, i wasn't convinced until my final email arrived today. i wrote him this morning with : i know you still want me around. are you getting any of my messages?
he replied with: I don't. Please enjoy your life, I'm going to stop replying now. take care x
shitty, right? if anyone ever tells me they are in love i'll just laugh.

"If anything ever happened to me you would know wouldn't you? You'd know that you were the one, that more often than you know, you're the only thing that keeps me going. As soon as I met you I wanted to spend my life with you and build a family. I couldn't stand to have you ever be in doubt. I don't know what lies ahead of us, I don't feel at all well but I'd rather die trying to achieve all this if the alternative is giving up. x x"
Sent 11/18/08
People will lie to you. The world will stop at nothing to let you know that it's a cruel place. And in the end only the people who trust get hurt. I'm completely heartbroken. I can't sleep because I have nightmares about where he is and what he's going through. I can't eat because I'm nauseous all the time. My eyes are so tired from crying, and the worst part is the tense tight pain in my chest that hasn't left since about 8pm Sunday. I want to relapse. I want to destroy myself even though I know what's happening to him is no reflection of me as his partner. Every time I write things like this I wish so hard that he would read it and make this pain go away. But I guess I should stop dreaming that the one causing the pain would magically reappear and fix it. I've fucking mourned him because I'm 50% sure he's dead. And all I can do when I think about that is clench my chest and try to keep from screaming as I cry. I'm not sure that I've ever felt pain like this. I know it's my fault that I'm feeling this much pain, I guess in the end the amount of pain is usually greater than or equal to the amount of love. I'm fucking furious. I'm so hurt. I miss him and I worry. My greatest fear is that this isn't momentary, even though everyone tells me it is. That I'll wake up one day in bed with my husband and keep crying not knowing how it was supposed to end. But that too is wishful thinking because I'm not quite sure how to go about trusting or loving anyone.


that's all. i hope to be finished crying over it by the end of the week. that's my goal.