I am difficult to "get" as a person on a lot of levels. This is probably the reason I don't have many true friends. It takes a lot to get to know me on your(thier) part. You have to want it, and if you don't then we're not going to be friends. (This isn't because I think I'm anything special I just wont waste my time wanting to know someone or building a relationship with someone who doesn't want to know me.) I also have issues with trust because everyone in my life has left me. I have had ONE person that was always there and never faded or left. I constantly test people...it's kind of self conscious I don't really plan it or even realize I do it until it's done but it's been brought to my attention before and I do realize that I do it. I go through periods where I push you to leave especially when things are bad, I don't want people to see all the bad I have in me so I do almost anything that I can to push people away before they discover it. And I guess I'm good at breaking people because it always seems to work.
I am also not meant to have roommates. I feel like I'm easy to co-exist with but I like things the way I like them. I'm also really into the idea of creating a home for myself. I like things to be either really quiet or really loud and not really anywhere in between.
I'm not at all someone to "show off" any material things and I hate people who are. Maybe that's because I don't own anything. However, I like my stuff and that's exactly what it is, MY STUFF and I don't like people touching it or going through it. It's like my own personal treasure and none of it would mean a THING to anyone else but me but it's my entire life and entire world in a sense. My home for the last however many years, has been packed in boxes. I hate how people can be so fake, and "present" themselves as something that they aren't really.
Uhhhhh I got pulled away for like a couple hours while writting this so I'm just leaving it as it is.
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And the reason, for the most part, why people leave you is because they don't want to deal with someone who so mean to them (whether you do it on purpose or not). You can call it testing or whatever you like, but it's essentially just being mean and others don't want nor need that in their lives. I suggest trying to fix this because it's not healthy for anyone, especially you. You need to learn to be happy with who you are, how you are, and if you'r enot then change it. Don't say you can't because you can and there's always a way to change the things you don't like.
I'm not trying to be mean but I see alot of my past behaviours in what you're writing here and I'm only suggesting a path you could take to better your life. I've been through the same thing. It's a slow process but if you never start you'll never truly be happy with anything.
And yes, others are material and it's all well and good to look down upon them but that only means that you are in some way jealous of them. That's also something to think about. We all go through it constantly. I always hated skinny people and it got to the point where I should either shut up or do something baout it. Now I'm a gym memeber and working out regularly, ontop of school and work and friends and a long term/long distance relationship. We shoud always look inward and see where the seeds of this discontent and contempt originate.
You're a beautiful girl. There's not reason you should be so unhappy all the time.