Friday Oct 12, 2007

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Things Happen for a Reason

I am a firm believer. Think what you will.

And when I say that I believe that things happen for a reason, I mean that all things do, the good, the bad, the brutal. I honestly believe then when you are in dire need of something life will give it to you. I also believe that life will never hand you anything that you cannot overcome. No matter how difficult that may be and how it may seem that she is kicking you when you are down.

I do not believe in regrets and have none.

I believe that I personally do my best, in every single situation. As I grow, I learn. I do not look back on the decisions I have made with the knowledge I have today and think "oh I should have done this instead", because there is no point. Because had I been in the same situation with everything I know now I may have done things completely differently, but that was not and never will be the case. What's done is done, as long as I was able to learn from the situation then it was not wasted.

Last night I was reading Jamie's new blog on the To Write Love On Her Arms myspace page. I read them all, every single one, as well as all the bulletins. Sometimes I go back and read certain blogs over again, either way the same thing happens each and every single time. I never want it to end. I always sit there wanting more, wishing that he had gone on for pages and pages. I made the decision that I needed a new book. But not some stupid story, nothing made up. I wanted something real, something that would touch me, something that I could personally relate to. Something that would bring me to tears, that would rattle me and make me think, something that would change my views.

It's funny because I was talking to Sound about this earlier. I asked him what his favorite books were because I was in need or something. He told me what they were, but honestly I didn't pay much attention or try to remember the titles because I knew right away that they weren't what I was looking for.

I had some spare time before dinner so I was checking out the To Write Love On Her Arms website. I saw Jamie in a couple pictures or maybe in a video wearing a new LOVE hoodie that I want (it's not posted yet). Then I noticed a section in the shop called BOOKS. *click *BINGO!

There are only two books in the section. Both by an author named Donald Miller. The first is called Blue Like Jazz. After reading what Jamie said about it and the little excerpt I am buying it tonight. (It's spoiler ed below). It's perfect and EXACTLY what I need. The second book is called To Own A Dragon reflections on growing up without a father - which I'm going to read next.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

e Like Jazz is my favorite book, and it is the reason that I
write. I didn't like books before Blue Like Jazz - didn't want to read
them, didn't think about writing them. Then, on a sunny afternoon in
San Diego, I came across this strangely-titled book, found it sitting
on my friend Jon's kitchen counter. I asked Jon about the book and he
told me I needed to read it. Jon happens to also be a hero of mine. So
I took his advice, bought the book, and it changed the direction of my
life; taught me so much about honesty, community, faith, love, pain,
politics and a hundred other things. It made me laugh and think and
cry, and it spoke healing to some broken places deep inside me.

I was sad as I came to the end of the book, wished it wouldn't end,
wished I could just keep reading. Then a funny thing happened. The
morning after I finished reading Blue Like Jazz, I woke to find an
email from Donald Miller, the book's author. A mutual friend had
forwarded Don something that I had just written, and Don wrote to me
in encouragement and thanks. His email arrived like a bonus 21st
chapter, and it ended with this: "If you're ever in Portland, you've
got a place to stay."

I bought a plane ticket that afternoon."

- Jamie Tworkowski

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I
was outside the Baghdad Theatre one night when I saw a man playing the
saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes and he never opened his
eyes. After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch
somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if
they are showing you the way. I used to not like God because God
didn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened." - Donald
Miller



The past two years of my life have not been the greatest. I'm not here to complain, everything I went through was needed and I got myself out of it. I'm standing, I'm living, I'm loving and I'm dreaming...which is exactly what I was meant to do. When I came out of that, I was really in need even though I didn't talk about it and only a few people saw it in me....I needed a best friend. I needed to honestly and fully be loved for every single thing that I hold inside of me. I needed someone to not only listen to me but to understand me. To see my pain, not be scared of it, to accept it and to hold my hand through it. To whip away my tears and be there or call me on my lonely nights. I needed changed, and a lot of it, I needed time, I needed money, I needed direction. I need some GOOD, anything good.

And exactly when I was honestly running out of hope - all of that was given to me. My life since July has been amazing. I have experienced so much in those months that reinstated my hope and I am so thankful for all of it and to every one who made it possible.

I still make mistakes...because I'm human and that's what we do. I still cry tears, sometimes for no reason at all or not one that is known to me. I still fight my own personal battles, which I will continue to do in one way or another until the day I die. But live in general is amazing....and again I am thankful for every thing that life has given to me.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

More Babbling

Over the past year I've been touched by a lot of non profit organizations dealing with suicide and depression in young people. I think, especially after this blog that it's obvious that this issue has touch my life in a big way, in a personal way. I want to help. As someone who has felt alone for her entire life, no matter how many friends she's had, how successful she is/was - I have always had this feeling that there was a huge hole in my heart that could simply not be filled.

I know how much that feeling hurt me. And if I could be the hand that someone needs to hold, the ear that listens when someone needs it most...I would step up without a doubt.

I girl named Angela wanted to start a non profit org. in Montreal to help deal with suicide. Quebec has the highest number of suicides among young people in Canada. She is young but heart felt, I messaged her and told her that I wanted to help in any way that I could. The project fell apart.

I also called to volunteer at the Suicide Prevention help line in Montreal - they told me my french wasn't good enough. Honestly the first time I've ever been told that I could NOT volunteer. HA!

But now that I'm moving to a new city (Toronto, 9 days) maybe I'll try again after I get settled. Anyone who has had something like this touch their lives, knows that it's never over. Once it's in you, it's in you for life whether you are at a good point or a bad one. Kind of like a sleeping demon that eats at your insides.



To Write Love On Her Arms
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STOP THE BLEEDING - LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT
TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS

VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
memorandom:
of course i look at your sets - doesn't everyone? confused

your journal is really. . . well, thought-provoking. how do you manage to stay so damned optimistic? i'm sort of a perpetual cynic. . .

thanks a lot for the offer of listening to my woes, i may just take you up, though, i am managing to put a positive spin on the whole shitty situation just by realising that if she turned out to be the jerk she did, i'm better off without her.

every break-up i've ever been through i've been a total basketcase, this time. . . i'm actually doing okay, somehow. i must be 'all growed up' biggrin

saucissedanseuse:
that's a great philosophy and way of life, that i fully support smile

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