Wow, its been almost a month since I last updated all of you about whats going on with me. Ive been busy, to say the least.
First, Brian got a job He even got a full forty hours a week. It was the break we were hoping and praying for, and now it seems like things seem like they might finally, finally get better for us. If I can get a job somewhere, well be golden. Well probably stay here with S until April or May, just working and living and making money. We even have a few friends we might be moving in with in the future. Its odd, but now that the constant stress Ive been under is easing, I miss it, in a sick way. Not because I enjoyed it; but because my mind doesnt know what to do with itself now that it isnt constantly occupied with worrying about where my next meal was coming from, ect. Im kind of relearning who I am outside of surviving. Someone asked me the other day So, what are your hobbies? What do you like to do? and I honestly had no answer for them. Ive been being a responsible grown-up for so long Ive forgotten what it is to do something entirely just because it pleases me. What they say is true: sometimes getting what you want is just as stressful as not.
Ive been thinking over the last two or so years a lot lately. My life has been so turbulent and all over the place, and Ive just been realizing lately how much very traumatizing the things Ive gone through have been to me, and how much its crippled me as a person. I mean, damnfrom hometown to the big city in 2009, right after high school. Experienced poverty, drugs, swim parties, imported cigarettes, and the biggest heartbreak of my life to date. Moved in with my parents in Hee Haw Hell in the end of 2009. Lost friends, got my first serious job, made friends, lost my mind, found it again. I was there for the passing of my stepfather from cancer, and met the love of my life at almost the same time. A new city with him, more poverty, more new people and experiences. Moved again, back to my moms, more surviving and crazy experiences and people. All of this in less than three years. Im so unbelievably ready to settle down and chill out. Theres a lot of things I need to work through with myself, to function and feel normal again. Sometimes its honestly overwhelming. Is it sad that Im exhausted of life at 21?
I havent had the time or motivation/self esteem to do any modeling, of any kind for quite some time :/ It makes me have a sad. Brian is busy working all of the time (hey, Im not complaining), so he cant do it for me, and he doesnt seem to be as interested in my modeling as he was six months ago. *sigh* I want to get some practice in, and get to feeling comfortable in front of a camera again. But I cant really do that on my own. Blah.
Thats the theme for this blog: blah.
Its a blah kind of day.
First, Brian got a job He even got a full forty hours a week. It was the break we were hoping and praying for, and now it seems like things seem like they might finally, finally get better for us. If I can get a job somewhere, well be golden. Well probably stay here with S until April or May, just working and living and making money. We even have a few friends we might be moving in with in the future. Its odd, but now that the constant stress Ive been under is easing, I miss it, in a sick way. Not because I enjoyed it; but because my mind doesnt know what to do with itself now that it isnt constantly occupied with worrying about where my next meal was coming from, ect. Im kind of relearning who I am outside of surviving. Someone asked me the other day So, what are your hobbies? What do you like to do? and I honestly had no answer for them. Ive been being a responsible grown-up for so long Ive forgotten what it is to do something entirely just because it pleases me. What they say is true: sometimes getting what you want is just as stressful as not.
Ive been thinking over the last two or so years a lot lately. My life has been so turbulent and all over the place, and Ive just been realizing lately how much very traumatizing the things Ive gone through have been to me, and how much its crippled me as a person. I mean, damnfrom hometown to the big city in 2009, right after high school. Experienced poverty, drugs, swim parties, imported cigarettes, and the biggest heartbreak of my life to date. Moved in with my parents in Hee Haw Hell in the end of 2009. Lost friends, got my first serious job, made friends, lost my mind, found it again. I was there for the passing of my stepfather from cancer, and met the love of my life at almost the same time. A new city with him, more poverty, more new people and experiences. Moved again, back to my moms, more surviving and crazy experiences and people. All of this in less than three years. Im so unbelievably ready to settle down and chill out. Theres a lot of things I need to work through with myself, to function and feel normal again. Sometimes its honestly overwhelming. Is it sad that Im exhausted of life at 21?
I havent had the time or motivation/self esteem to do any modeling, of any kind for quite some time :/ It makes me have a sad. Brian is busy working all of the time (hey, Im not complaining), so he cant do it for me, and he doesnt seem to be as interested in my modeling as he was six months ago. *sigh* I want to get some practice in, and get to feeling comfortable in front of a camera again. But I cant really do that on my own. Blah.
Thats the theme for this blog: blah.
Its a blah kind of day.
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
It is sad indeed to see that the site has somehow become the enemy it was fighting, the mainstream, polished, perfect tyranny of beauty like the one we experience everyday in the magasines, on the streets, on tv, etc ... it is so disappointing.
I've decided to remain on the site and stand up for my values though, because I need 2012 to be a year of optimism and I don't want to focus on the bad things as I used to last year. But I won't give up my values here, even though they are not SG's anymore ...
I understand what you mean about becoming a hopeful, are you still thinking of it or not anymore ?
Thank you again for sharing your opinion on the matter with me and I hope life treats you well (better?) now. x