fatmike73

I'm beginning to see why Van Gogh liked this stuff. Definately gets the creative juices flowin. You begin to see the interconnectedness of everything. Shit hard to type. Gotta write this down though. No visuals as yet to report. Feeling kinda groovy though. Did I just say groovy? Bitter as hell kinda like life. Intoxicating as hell kinda like love. They never shoulda outlawed this stuff. Even the blood looks beautiful. Crimson red like the lips of a porn star. Currently listening to The Decline. This song always incites me to self destruction, Maybe I should stop listening to it. Or maybe not, maybe only when we have abandoned all hope can we truely be free. Time is beginning to not matter anymore. Is time even real or just an abstract created by man? After all time is relative and if it's relative how can it be real? Look at me always asking questions, never with an answer. Maybe I live in absolutes too much. Maybe I should return to the days of dwelling in the gray and liking it. But did I like it or is that just time obscuring reality? My spelling sucks, I wish I could spell properly when I'm fucked up too, but then i never was that talented. I shut down for so long i wondered if I can feel, now I know, i can feel, but with the good came the pain, the pain i had put away. Is the pain worth it? i think so, but no one around me does. Well fuck them, i'll just hide my pain from them. In some ways i enjoy the pain, if I didn't I'd walk away right? i think the pain reminds me how good the good things are. Is anyone worth the heartache? Jason says no, but thats the easy answer and there are no easy answers . i say thats bullshit, only half right . No, most people are not worth the pain, but sometimes, just sometimes, they are. i would walk through hell and back, suffer unspeakble pain just to feel the way she makes me feel just for one second. That would make all the pain in the world worthwhile.This is good, cathartic even. i haven't written this much in so long but there is so much that needs to be said. This is working out well for me, high tolerance for alchohol, low tolerance for hallucinagens. I believe in love, but does love believe in me? Well Bean loves me as she is currently reminding me, but that's not the same. I was just thinking how space is supposed to be empty, void, nothing, but there is only so much space, which means it takes up space, which means it can't be nothing. it's getting harder to keep it together. Strange thoughts entering my mind. Lambchop is dead. Bean killed her. Thoughts become scattered, mostly of her. I sometimes wonder if she knows how much i care. I sometimes wonder a lot of things. if only I could let go and accept what I have instead of longing for that which i do not.. But do i really want to do that? Would that be giving up? I don't know, I find myself knowing less and less. I used to know. Iused to be sure of my path. More and more i feel lost. i kinda like feeling lost sometimes though. I feel lost right now and I like it. i'd like to be lost in her. Did I just think that? How sappy. Deos anyone even read this anyway? No one ever comments. What would she say right now? Go to sleep Mike, thats what she'd say. But who need s sleep when you have absinthe. More exploring to do. Cheesy eighties music playing, gotta change it before the blood is coming out of my ears instead of my chest. ah how appropriate, "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" but am i miserable? I don't think so. I think i'm ok, but am i just fooling myself? As Dan would say, "dude I don't believe you" me: "why not" Dan: "because you are bloody dude". I heard something profound today that no one will understand. We had our war. I can't really explain it. One more drink, one more cut then i'm going to sleep.