So I just watched Hercules. Disney's Hercules. Perhaps one of the worst movies ever made. After the first 20 minutes or so I came to the horrible realization that I wouldn't be able to remember all the things about it that made me cry by the time it was over. Nevertheless, I shall try:
Physical dicontinuity errors. Coming up with specifics will be tricky, but I know that several times things happened and it was glaringly obvious that angles and such had gotten all switched around such that the actual actions were impossible given space-time and geometry as we know them. It was distracting.
Terrible, terrible music...
...accompanied by portrayals of the muses that couldn't have been done worse. I have to believe that the actual muses were so insulted by this that they refused to help with the rest of the movie.
Hera...everything about Hera. I suppose most obviously Hera and Zeus being...EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT! ALL OF IT!
The hydra. Everything else in that movie looked nice and drawn and such, fairly consistant with everything else Disney put out around that time. And then right in the middle a big'ol CGI monstrosity. Not even good CGI. It was like one of the classic Disney animators found an old copy of 3D Studio Max and decided he just had to use its super coolness in the new movie. Was that thing even textured? At all?
The first thing that I noticed and the last thing I noticed..."that's the Gospel truth." The movie opens with the greek creation myth. And at the end..."that's the Gospel truth." It's like if I made one of those Christmas claymation movies about Christ and at the end had the narrator say, "this is the truth, the dharma discovered by Shakymuni." OMGWTF Disney! And at first I thought the horror would end with that one utterance, but they used it all the goddamned time! What the flying shit is wrong with the people who made this movie?! (As a sidenote, there's some word for a symbol that combines the question mark and the exclamation point. I know this because that word used to be the SG username of the girl who later became SG Viola. I encourage you all to view her set. She's beautiful and also very approachable.) What. The. Fuck. Disney.
Things hitting people in the head. Every minute. I very much want someone to go through and count the number of times that things hit people in the head so I can see a things-hitting-people-in-the-head : movie length ratio. I'm not taking that job though, because I'm never watching that movie again.
Dammit, I knew it. I spent too long ranting about the Gospel thing and now I can't remember what else enraged me. No! That's not true, the Gospel thing reminds me that I was slightly irked by the use of Yiddish by greek gods. Which also reminds me that the portrayal of Hades was ridiculously Westernized and that many non-Western cultures did not associate death or death-related dieties with evil. Now I think I'm done. Fine. No one ever watch that movie. It's a bad movie.
Today I met someone who reminded me why I downgraded (upgraded?) myself from religion to belief.
Physical dicontinuity errors. Coming up with specifics will be tricky, but I know that several times things happened and it was glaringly obvious that angles and such had gotten all switched around such that the actual actions were impossible given space-time and geometry as we know them. It was distracting.
Terrible, terrible music...
...accompanied by portrayals of the muses that couldn't have been done worse. I have to believe that the actual muses were so insulted by this that they refused to help with the rest of the movie.
Hera...everything about Hera. I suppose most obviously Hera and Zeus being...EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT! ALL OF IT!
The hydra. Everything else in that movie looked nice and drawn and such, fairly consistant with everything else Disney put out around that time. And then right in the middle a big'ol CGI monstrosity. Not even good CGI. It was like one of the classic Disney animators found an old copy of 3D Studio Max and decided he just had to use its super coolness in the new movie. Was that thing even textured? At all?
The first thing that I noticed and the last thing I noticed..."that's the Gospel truth." The movie opens with the greek creation myth. And at the end..."that's the Gospel truth." It's like if I made one of those Christmas claymation movies about Christ and at the end had the narrator say, "this is the truth, the dharma discovered by Shakymuni." OMGWTF Disney! And at first I thought the horror would end with that one utterance, but they used it all the goddamned time! What the flying shit is wrong with the people who made this movie?! (As a sidenote, there's some word for a symbol that combines the question mark and the exclamation point. I know this because that word used to be the SG username of the girl who later became SG Viola. I encourage you all to view her set. She's beautiful and also very approachable.) What. The. Fuck. Disney.
Things hitting people in the head. Every minute. I very much want someone to go through and count the number of times that things hit people in the head so I can see a things-hitting-people-in-the-head : movie length ratio. I'm not taking that job though, because I'm never watching that movie again.
Dammit, I knew it. I spent too long ranting about the Gospel thing and now I can't remember what else enraged me. No! That's not true, the Gospel thing reminds me that I was slightly irked by the use of Yiddish by greek gods. Which also reminds me that the portrayal of Hades was ridiculously Westernized and that many non-Western cultures did not associate death or death-related dieties with evil. Now I think I'm done. Fine. No one ever watch that movie. It's a bad movie.
Today I met someone who reminded me why I downgraded (upgraded?) myself from religion to belief.
Also,