GAAAAAAH!!!!
I need to vent. I tried writing all this in my journal but my fingers started to cramp and I just need to get this out. I apologize in advance for the lengthy post.
So, been dating this power lifter I used to work with since the end of February. We were friends first, hung out during his messy break-up with his ex whom he cheated on. He felt extremely guilty about the whole situation but was very open about it with me.
Despite all my better judgement I decided I would go for it with him when he wanted to start a relationship. He's not what I would normally go for at all. He's a year older than I am, had a sloppy upbringing from a broken-home, has a bad realtionship with his mother, and likes to think of himself as somewhat of a thug.
He's also shorter than me, but that's besides the point.
So, we get very serious very quickly. He moves in, we buy rings, we going to hit up City Hall on Friday the 13th and just giver. He said he just "knew" i was the one and the person he'd want to change his old ways for.
All was great for the first few months....then he saw his ex to pick up a few things, when he didn't call that afternoon I knew something was up. This was in April or so. I had a rotting feeling in my stomach because when he finally called back that evening he was noticably shaken and said he couldn't get together because he was so drained from the emotional afternoon with his ex. The alarm SHOULD have gone off at that point, but I was so head over for him I looked past it.
Things continued on, he'd get angry for no reason, say hurtful things, generally be unsupportive of my success at work (he was struggling) and was against me doing any of my figure competitions. You'd think the alarm would have gone off there too, but no. I wanted to trust that he loved me, and so I toughed through it.
Over the course of the summer we were breaking up almost weekly only to get back together a few days later. We've had insane chemistry throughout. We can't be in the same room together, regardless of our status, without electricity lighting up the room.
Completely and totally addicted to eachother.
So, over the last month - month and a half he's been extremely hot and cold. He'd come by on a Tuesday after a fight and tell me he's in love with me, that he wants to be with me, and that this time he's going to go for it fully. The main topic of arguments was that I never felt he was truly giving himself to the relationship and he even admitted at one point he was actually avoiding it, however could not leave because he cared so much. The next night I would go over to drop off some food, only to find that at 11 pm he wasn't home. When I, non-accusingly, asked where he was, he SNAPPED. Didn't speak to me for 3 days, put me through hell, and told me he couldn't be with someone who was so untrusting. By Saturday or Sunday we'd usually have made up, had sex, and been back to normal. D-U-M-B.
Fast forward to week. He'd never leave his phone unattended, and my suspicion was growing. He'd take a shower and bring all his belongings, including his cell into the locked bathroom.
Finally he came downstairs Thursday morning to eat and I noticed he didn't have anything with him. I immediately went upstairs to the bathroom, found his phone and locked the door.
Sidenote-this is normally something I would NEVER do, however he had been checking mine (and found nothing), and as I said, suspicion had been growing...I just KNEW he was up to something and I couldn't take it any longer.
As I thought, there was a conversation between he and his ex from the day before making plans for dinner the night before. His "family" dinner was actually a date with her, at her place. He had called me that night on his way home and asked if he should come over. I told him not to, but he insisted on staying over.
When he realized I was in there with his phone he started to freak out. He banged on the door, asked me what I was doing, etc. I told him I was just using the washroom. After I read enough to see they were exchanging texts like they were dating again, I left the bathroom and said, "maybe tonight you should go back over to Alli's for dinner" and went into my room.
He didn't really say anything.
I had to be at work in 15 minutes. He packed up his stuff when we were downstairs I asked if he had anything to say for himself. He said, "I've tried to end this so many times". I slapped him. Hard. He grabbed my arm and I slapped him with the other one. He grabbed me again.
I don't even remember what I said, something to the extent of, "You do realize this is the last time we interact with each other, right?" He agreed. I told him I hoped he'd rot in hell. He told me it had only happened twice but that he was relieved because it had been eating away at him.,
I asked for her phone number (which I should have just forwarded to my phone when I had the chance) because I wanted to speak with her. He said he'd tell her on Sunday. I told him I had to speak to her and that if he wasn't going to give it to me I'd find it myself and call her.
And that's exactly what I did.
I played private investigator and found her work number. I left a message for her to call me asap. About 20 mninutes later she called me on her lunch break. Turns out she thought they were full-blown dating again. That he wasn't speaking to me anymore and they were working things out. She said he had had reservations about getting back together with him after he cheated on her back in January.
I informed that yes, while we were off and on frequently, we were still seeing one another almost daily.
Wow.
She seemd nice and I wasn't telling her to be a bitch, I just wanted to know the full extent of his lies, which I got.
He wrote me a few hours later telling me he hated me for telling her. That she deserved to hear it from him.
He began being a total asshole, telling me I never had a chance with him because his heart was always with her. I find that difficult to believe, because he would never have done any of this to her had he actually loved her.
I'll give it to the girl, apparently she hasn't seen or talked to him, just put his things outside, closed the blinds, and said it was over. He wrote her a lengthy email explaining that yes, probably everything she heard was true. He says she hasn't responded and the few texts I've exchanged with her verify that.
Now if that isn't messed up enough for you, how about this...
Friday I talked to him on the phone for about an hour and a half. I said I wanted to know everything. I was drinking myself stupid at home, crying, and listening to him explain that he was confused, cared for both of us, loved whoever was standing in front of him, etc...
By Saturday I was actually sad for him, for Alli, for me. He and I exchanged a few more texts and somehow he asked if I thought we could ever work still. I replied yes. He asked if I wanted us to. I replied yes
.
His inital reaction was, okay, how do I make this happen? We've been going back and forth, yes we want to try again, no we should stay away, and so on and so on...
Sunday he invited to his family's place for his grandfather's 80th birthday. I went. I don't know why I don't want to kick the shit out of him, why I still love him, or why I am even hoping that he wants to try again with me.
It felt like I was in highschool again....you know, the first time you're in your sweethearts bedroom and you're lying there talking but hardly touching, and all the blood is flowing south, and you've got full body tingles, your heart is racing and you can't stop staring at eachother's mouth just wanting a taste of that forbidden fruit...
That's how it was.
Finally we gave in and shared some of the hottest kisses I've ever had....I can barely type thinking about them...We'd make outn then pull away and agree it was so wrong and so weird, then like magnets, just go right back to caressing.
We went out to his car, both frazzled about what was going on...we talked about if it could work, if he still loved Alli, if he wanted to be with me, if we could trust the other after this....we didn't really come up with anything except more kissing and some light petting.
We agreed not to jump into anything or do anything either might regret and so I drove off. He asked me to come back but I didn't.. I wanted to, but I talked myself out of it.
Today I'm not sure how I feel. I want to hate him. I should hate him. I would be an idiot to try again with him, but for some reason my heart tells me I'm done with him yet.
What is wrong with me for still wanting someone who has lied to me for so long? I feel sort of like, I knew deep down all along, so I wasn't that surprised. I feel like maybe, since I knew then and just ignored it, if we tried again I'd be able to tell and would actually leave. I feel like (I hope) Alli really is out of the picture...no, I don't want to be someone's second choice, but he never made a decision...
What the hell do I do?
I want him. I realize what he's done but I'm not that phased by it. Am I a complete idiot? He's done this in every serious relationship he's had....can he really change?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated if anyone has actually read this far. Thank you if you've stuck with it, btw.
PLEASE HELP!!!
I need to vent. I tried writing all this in my journal but my fingers started to cramp and I just need to get this out. I apologize in advance for the lengthy post.
So, been dating this power lifter I used to work with since the end of February. We were friends first, hung out during his messy break-up with his ex whom he cheated on. He felt extremely guilty about the whole situation but was very open about it with me.
Despite all my better judgement I decided I would go for it with him when he wanted to start a relationship. He's not what I would normally go for at all. He's a year older than I am, had a sloppy upbringing from a broken-home, has a bad realtionship with his mother, and likes to think of himself as somewhat of a thug.
He's also shorter than me, but that's besides the point.
So, we get very serious very quickly. He moves in, we buy rings, we going to hit up City Hall on Friday the 13th and just giver. He said he just "knew" i was the one and the person he'd want to change his old ways for.
All was great for the first few months....then he saw his ex to pick up a few things, when he didn't call that afternoon I knew something was up. This was in April or so. I had a rotting feeling in my stomach because when he finally called back that evening he was noticably shaken and said he couldn't get together because he was so drained from the emotional afternoon with his ex. The alarm SHOULD have gone off at that point, but I was so head over for him I looked past it.
Things continued on, he'd get angry for no reason, say hurtful things, generally be unsupportive of my success at work (he was struggling) and was against me doing any of my figure competitions. You'd think the alarm would have gone off there too, but no. I wanted to trust that he loved me, and so I toughed through it.
Over the course of the summer we were breaking up almost weekly only to get back together a few days later. We've had insane chemistry throughout. We can't be in the same room together, regardless of our status, without electricity lighting up the room.
Completely and totally addicted to eachother.
So, over the last month - month and a half he's been extremely hot and cold. He'd come by on a Tuesday after a fight and tell me he's in love with me, that he wants to be with me, and that this time he's going to go for it fully. The main topic of arguments was that I never felt he was truly giving himself to the relationship and he even admitted at one point he was actually avoiding it, however could not leave because he cared so much. The next night I would go over to drop off some food, only to find that at 11 pm he wasn't home. When I, non-accusingly, asked where he was, he SNAPPED. Didn't speak to me for 3 days, put me through hell, and told me he couldn't be with someone who was so untrusting. By Saturday or Sunday we'd usually have made up, had sex, and been back to normal. D-U-M-B.
Fast forward to week. He'd never leave his phone unattended, and my suspicion was growing. He'd take a shower and bring all his belongings, including his cell into the locked bathroom.
Finally he came downstairs Thursday morning to eat and I noticed he didn't have anything with him. I immediately went upstairs to the bathroom, found his phone and locked the door.
Sidenote-this is normally something I would NEVER do, however he had been checking mine (and found nothing), and as I said, suspicion had been growing...I just KNEW he was up to something and I couldn't take it any longer.
As I thought, there was a conversation between he and his ex from the day before making plans for dinner the night before. His "family" dinner was actually a date with her, at her place. He had called me that night on his way home and asked if he should come over. I told him not to, but he insisted on staying over.
When he realized I was in there with his phone he started to freak out. He banged on the door, asked me what I was doing, etc. I told him I was just using the washroom. After I read enough to see they were exchanging texts like they were dating again, I left the bathroom and said, "maybe tonight you should go back over to Alli's for dinner" and went into my room.
He didn't really say anything.
I had to be at work in 15 minutes. He packed up his stuff when we were downstairs I asked if he had anything to say for himself. He said, "I've tried to end this so many times". I slapped him. Hard. He grabbed my arm and I slapped him with the other one. He grabbed me again.
I don't even remember what I said, something to the extent of, "You do realize this is the last time we interact with each other, right?" He agreed. I told him I hoped he'd rot in hell. He told me it had only happened twice but that he was relieved because it had been eating away at him.,
I asked for her phone number (which I should have just forwarded to my phone when I had the chance) because I wanted to speak with her. He said he'd tell her on Sunday. I told him I had to speak to her and that if he wasn't going to give it to me I'd find it myself and call her.
And that's exactly what I did.
I played private investigator and found her work number. I left a message for her to call me asap. About 20 mninutes later she called me on her lunch break. Turns out she thought they were full-blown dating again. That he wasn't speaking to me anymore and they were working things out. She said he had had reservations about getting back together with him after he cheated on her back in January.
I informed that yes, while we were off and on frequently, we were still seeing one another almost daily.
Wow.
She seemd nice and I wasn't telling her to be a bitch, I just wanted to know the full extent of his lies, which I got.
He wrote me a few hours later telling me he hated me for telling her. That she deserved to hear it from him.
He began being a total asshole, telling me I never had a chance with him because his heart was always with her. I find that difficult to believe, because he would never have done any of this to her had he actually loved her.
I'll give it to the girl, apparently she hasn't seen or talked to him, just put his things outside, closed the blinds, and said it was over. He wrote her a lengthy email explaining that yes, probably everything she heard was true. He says she hasn't responded and the few texts I've exchanged with her verify that.
Now if that isn't messed up enough for you, how about this...
Friday I talked to him on the phone for about an hour and a half. I said I wanted to know everything. I was drinking myself stupid at home, crying, and listening to him explain that he was confused, cared for both of us, loved whoever was standing in front of him, etc...
By Saturday I was actually sad for him, for Alli, for me. He and I exchanged a few more texts and somehow he asked if I thought we could ever work still. I replied yes. He asked if I wanted us to. I replied yes
.
His inital reaction was, okay, how do I make this happen? We've been going back and forth, yes we want to try again, no we should stay away, and so on and so on...
Sunday he invited to his family's place for his grandfather's 80th birthday. I went. I don't know why I don't want to kick the shit out of him, why I still love him, or why I am even hoping that he wants to try again with me.
It felt like I was in highschool again....you know, the first time you're in your sweethearts bedroom and you're lying there talking but hardly touching, and all the blood is flowing south, and you've got full body tingles, your heart is racing and you can't stop staring at eachother's mouth just wanting a taste of that forbidden fruit...
That's how it was.
Finally we gave in and shared some of the hottest kisses I've ever had....I can barely type thinking about them...We'd make outn then pull away and agree it was so wrong and so weird, then like magnets, just go right back to caressing.
We went out to his car, both frazzled about what was going on...we talked about if it could work, if he still loved Alli, if he wanted to be with me, if we could trust the other after this....we didn't really come up with anything except more kissing and some light petting.
We agreed not to jump into anything or do anything either might regret and so I drove off. He asked me to come back but I didn't.. I wanted to, but I talked myself out of it.
Today I'm not sure how I feel. I want to hate him. I should hate him. I would be an idiot to try again with him, but for some reason my heart tells me I'm done with him yet.
What is wrong with me for still wanting someone who has lied to me for so long? I feel sort of like, I knew deep down all along, so I wasn't that surprised. I feel like maybe, since I knew then and just ignored it, if we tried again I'd be able to tell and would actually leave. I feel like (I hope) Alli really is out of the picture...no, I don't want to be someone's second choice, but he never made a decision...
What the hell do I do?
I want him. I realize what he's done but I'm not that phased by it. Am I a complete idiot? He's done this in every serious relationship he's had....can he really change?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated if anyone has actually read this far. Thank you if you've stuck with it, btw.
PLEASE HELP!!!
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
he'll give you all the love he has to give. it'll be hard, lonely, sad, etc. but that's my opinion.
Thanks again for the comments though!