i've been looking for myself for years.
i thought i found her in the 7th grade, when i shopped at abercrombie and jumped from preppy leawood-bred boyfriend to preppy leawood-bred boyfriend.
i thought i found her for real the winter of my sophomore year of high school, when i was on the road to recovery from the greatest emotional turmoil i could have ever imagined.
i thought i found her for sure the summer before my senior year, when i stopped caring about being popular and started surrounding myself with the funnest, smartest, most wonderful debate-nerd friends a person could have.
and once more, i was positive i found her during the second semester of my freshman year in college, when i started social justice groups, helped organize benefit concerts, and studied politics, theology, philosophy, and sociology. when i suffered the most intense heartbreak of my 18 years. when i looked deep inside myself and relied on no one but me to take care of my needs.
and then, sitting alone under the canopy of a coffee shop on a gorgeous summer night, i realized...
its not "me" i'm looking for. i've had that girl inside me all along. it's finding the key to setting that girl free i've been searching for. and i'm ready to fly. i'm antsy and terrified and excited and ready.
but why won't you let me unlock the door?
i thought i found her in the 7th grade, when i shopped at abercrombie and jumped from preppy leawood-bred boyfriend to preppy leawood-bred boyfriend.
i thought i found her for real the winter of my sophomore year of high school, when i was on the road to recovery from the greatest emotional turmoil i could have ever imagined.
i thought i found her for sure the summer before my senior year, when i stopped caring about being popular and started surrounding myself with the funnest, smartest, most wonderful debate-nerd friends a person could have.
and once more, i was positive i found her during the second semester of my freshman year in college, when i started social justice groups, helped organize benefit concerts, and studied politics, theology, philosophy, and sociology. when i suffered the most intense heartbreak of my 18 years. when i looked deep inside myself and relied on no one but me to take care of my needs.
and then, sitting alone under the canopy of a coffee shop on a gorgeous summer night, i realized...
its not "me" i'm looking for. i've had that girl inside me all along. it's finding the key to setting that girl free i've been searching for. and i'm ready to fly. i'm antsy and terrified and excited and ready.
but why won't you let me unlock the door?
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
This door that you speak of, it seems to me as it being like a mysterious, though archetypical object -- representative of something concrete, though I can fathom not all of what it may be. If I may so inquire, I am wondering what the door may represent, to you -- and what may the key represent?
Right, I recall you having mentioned your father's prior service. I'm glad, honestly, that is among the guys who came back from that peninsula.
I know that a person might be not afraid of being rough, in any regard.
I say "OUCH!" because I expect parents to be supportive of their kids, and that sure as fuck isn't a supportive-sounding statement -- "not subsidizing failure." Maybe I can grok the aim of the statement (contrary to "failure" is "success", one could say) but I don't like the sound of it.
In an effort to make some respect to your madre and padre, I'll return to my previous statement, though: Whom your question is directed to, the one may be afraid of what is behind the door. Even the most hardened grunt still harbors some fears about some things --" if the one would be called whatsoever sane."
The question follows: If I may so inquire, what have you been thinking of studying?
That being asked, then I'll wager this, also: I sure as fuck didn't know what I wanted to make a career in, when I started into college -- and I still ain't got a degree, some ten years plus, since then.
I didn't know what I was going to try to make a career in. I knew this much, though: That I should go into post-secondary education (and that I could really enjoy doing so)
(Since then, I've come to think that I should make a career in software programming. I came to that conclusion, not anywhere curricularly close to a school.)
The quality of school I could afford (it becomes evidenced, moreso, as a matter of the student body, and the budget of the place -- any school can have great educators - "quality of school", honestly) -- and my parents were, really, completely unprepared for their son wanting to go to college -- well, community college was about the end it.
As such, "The school of life", or what-the-phuck, it's where I've learned the most of what I know. Trouble is, said school doesn't give you any degrees (or none easily. Now, I'm qualified as such-and-such in the Army, though) no easy "degree", such that employers, etc etc etc may most lazily look for.
On leave, for a week (more at-ease, as such, so it seems) and looking forward to your response,
-- Nadir