i miss ashlynn.
it's been 2 months and some change since i called off the relationship while we were in a period of bad times and i regret it heavily. it was after i did that and i saw her in chat again on the 28th of december that i realized what i did. it was the first time i'd seen her face in probably a month.
also the last time.
we were supposed to be working out our problems. quite honestly, i killed the relationship because i thought it was a good idea to run to what i thought was going to be the answer of "it's not going to work out." i was too afraid of being hurt that i pushed her away in order to not be hurt.
really, it didn't do anything but make me feel worse. and i'm still pretty hurt.
when we started, it was the craziest feeling in the world. i felt like she was my best friend. i could really be myself, stripped down of all of my other fronts. i wasn't false. i wasn't guise. i was will. i could be nerdy, i could make stupid jokes, i felt so insanely comfortable talking to her that everything flew out and responded. it was science, chemistry, everything. it was someone i could talk to for hours and be completely entertained.
all i needed was her.
i still check my phone hoping it's a txt from her. it's even at a point where i had to change my txt alert sound, because it was usually her. i still check my phone hoping i didn't miss a txt from her. force of habit by now. we used to txt each other all day everyday.
i still think about her everyday. i wonder how she's doing. to me, i'm pretty clueless about what's going on. but then again, i'm usually so wrapped up in me, that i'm not asking the questions when i have the chance. that's a problem, and i'm really working on that.
even, the last time i talked to her i was reminded of why i broke up with her, though, i'm coming to realize more and more that when you love someone, you love everything. you love what's great, you love what's wrong, you love them for who they are. even the circumstances of the relationship with someone, who i still haven't met.
it's even more difficult to admit that you loved someone you've never met.
though, if i could do it again, i'd do it in a heartbeat. if i could try it again, i would with every ounce of my being. i would fight until there's nothing left. love is irrational like that, as completely irrational as the whole idea of the relationship is.
there's not a chance of us again, but there's a part of me that hopes against hope that maybe one day we'll get back to that point where we couldn't go hours without talking to each other. i never had that with anyone in my life.
i really want to go see her, even though there's no relationship, but having gone through that, and being who she is to me, i don't want to go the rest of my life without having even met her. i don't know.
it's been 2 months and some change since i called off the relationship while we were in a period of bad times and i regret it heavily. it was after i did that and i saw her in chat again on the 28th of december that i realized what i did. it was the first time i'd seen her face in probably a month.
also the last time.
we were supposed to be working out our problems. quite honestly, i killed the relationship because i thought it was a good idea to run to what i thought was going to be the answer of "it's not going to work out." i was too afraid of being hurt that i pushed her away in order to not be hurt.
really, it didn't do anything but make me feel worse. and i'm still pretty hurt.
when we started, it was the craziest feeling in the world. i felt like she was my best friend. i could really be myself, stripped down of all of my other fronts. i wasn't false. i wasn't guise. i was will. i could be nerdy, i could make stupid jokes, i felt so insanely comfortable talking to her that everything flew out and responded. it was science, chemistry, everything. it was someone i could talk to for hours and be completely entertained.
all i needed was her.
i still check my phone hoping it's a txt from her. it's even at a point where i had to change my txt alert sound, because it was usually her. i still check my phone hoping i didn't miss a txt from her. force of habit by now. we used to txt each other all day everyday.
i still think about her everyday. i wonder how she's doing. to me, i'm pretty clueless about what's going on. but then again, i'm usually so wrapped up in me, that i'm not asking the questions when i have the chance. that's a problem, and i'm really working on that.
even, the last time i talked to her i was reminded of why i broke up with her, though, i'm coming to realize more and more that when you love someone, you love everything. you love what's great, you love what's wrong, you love them for who they are. even the circumstances of the relationship with someone, who i still haven't met.
it's even more difficult to admit that you loved someone you've never met.
though, if i could do it again, i'd do it in a heartbeat. if i could try it again, i would with every ounce of my being. i would fight until there's nothing left. love is irrational like that, as completely irrational as the whole idea of the relationship is.
there's not a chance of us again, but there's a part of me that hopes against hope that maybe one day we'll get back to that point where we couldn't go hours without talking to each other. i never had that with anyone in my life.
i really want to go see her, even though there's no relationship, but having gone through that, and being who she is to me, i don't want to go the rest of my life without having even met her. i don't know.
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Your whole text description thing is something I've done so often ...In the end i am glad you realized why you broke it off if it wasn't healthy for you ...to be honest i wouldn't have that kind of strength even if i knew something was poisoning me I'd continue to eat it if it taste good..
Good luck on your recovery man