I've been staring at the update page for the past 30 minutes, trying to decide what to right. Technically, I don't have any new "news" in my life. Not much can change when you have no friends, you don't do anything besides the occasional shift at work, and you're completely isolated. It's funny, my mood can easily swing from optimistic to maudlin even in spite of these constants that my life presents me with.
two years ago, I was at a crossroads. I had a group of friends; moreover, I had a pool of people, a collective that I could find more friends from if the ones I had say, moved away. I walked away from that world largely because the ideals I had and fostered were anathema to the values that world held in its highest regard. I felt like I didn't belong there, being who I was.
I wanted to disappear.
So, I came back to my sleepy little college town, got an apartment with a couple of gamer shut-ins, and proceded to sleep for the next year and a half until I decided I didn't want to do this either. I grant you that the notion of being alone is fun when you're agoraphobic and surrounded by people that, let's face it, are prettier and taller and more talented than you. I'll even concede that I did have a small measure of fun doing whatever I wanted for that year and a half. It's like having a "be your own boss" business, except you don't make money. But What you don't take into account is that while you can try to embrace your inevitablity, that quality of existance that you fear with a palpable dread, while you can close yourself off and say, "fuck you world, if you don't want to present me with someone who wants me then you can kiss my ass", it doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't prevent the nagging thoughts that run through your head like the ghostly trains that pass through a dead tourist town... never stopping, never infusing the community with new citizens, always rattling the glass in your windows and bellowing out its almost funereal drones.
Two years ago I realized that the reason I was never happy with any particular career or education path that I laid my hands to was because fundamentally the only thing I wanted out of life was to be loved and to love someone else. Romantically, I must add. while I have by no means been "unloved"... Many parent figures, teachers, counselors and the like have found me quite loveable, I have never lacked the absense of Those type of people in my life, I've never found anyone who has wanted, even in the slightest, to have a romantic relationship with me. This was mitigated somewhat by the fact my religion stresses (in some circles) the uniqueness of marriage. But as I began to believe that there weren't "matches made in heaven", and that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me to have set this precedent in my life, That while I could live my life with the doubt that I would ever have the only thing that I ever wanted out of life, It would be infinitely better to assume that no matter what I did the situation wouldn't improve and stop trying.
Since this was literally my life's goal that I just decided would never come to pass, I figured disappearing was the best course of action for me. The church I attended, I simply stopped going to. What friends I had (most of whom had already moved on when I moved back, and what remained were either 30-somethings with families or mere teenagers whose interest in me was something of an oddity) ignored, and my foster parents ( who in my defense would just tell me I'm in sin and that I need to repent of my wickedness and stop serving the devil anyways) I haven't called in months.
But I was wrong. this austere lifestyle has become more of a burden than the one I gave up. But unlike the crossroads I was at back then, now I am faced with only a dead end and burnt bridges behind me. I simply cannot go back to being what I was (or more accurately, what I was perceived to be).
About 9 months ago I decided to change these things. I got a job, and worked dilligently, sometimes 7 days a week, to pay off my debt. I saw it as my first obstacle toward finding a new life for myself, and it has since proven the easiest part of this process. Money is something that is rather easy to aquire. there is no end of labor out there for the humble to set their hands to. While they may be low status and low paying, time and self denial can make up the slack.
I became laid off, found a new job, and got myself close to debt free. This march I could conceivably be 1k from being debt free, and considering the costs I've had to endure since I started my endeavor, my debt amounts to 8k in the end. 7k in 9 months is nothing of which to be ashamed.
I'm still friendless, however. I am realizing that this aspect of changing my life is going to be considerably harder, if not completely impossible. Before you say, "you're being dramatic and pissy and you just need to calm down", hear me out. I'm moving to Silverdale (unless something pops up that allows me to live in Seattle), where I will be working 40 hours a week most likely. But where am I going to make those friends? I'll have no time to take classes of any sort whether they be at a community college for credit or a local theater/comedy/pottery/interpetive dance group. while it remains to be seen whether I would have the time for something like that, I'm dubious at best of the effectiveness of going to things of that nature solely to make friends. I just don't believe people are that friendly to begin with.
It's just hard, though, and it really, really, gets me down. I think I'm doing everything I can to meet new people and make some friends, but it's slow going and I'm really worried that it's not going to happen at all. I could use some kind words and cheering up. One thing that absolutely kills is how I can have a jounal entry up for 2 days, and get maybe 5 replies, while other people can have 3 pages worth. I'm really jealous, and while I want that I don't know how to get that besides replying to people's journals as often as I can, which I do. Am I missing something? is there something more I could be doing, some other board or group I should join to meet people, or something? it's sad I guess that this is my only place to get human interaction, but it is and I need this, I need friends and this is my pond right now.
Could someone please help me out?
two years ago, I was at a crossroads. I had a group of friends; moreover, I had a pool of people, a collective that I could find more friends from if the ones I had say, moved away. I walked away from that world largely because the ideals I had and fostered were anathema to the values that world held in its highest regard. I felt like I didn't belong there, being who I was.
I wanted to disappear.
So, I came back to my sleepy little college town, got an apartment with a couple of gamer shut-ins, and proceded to sleep for the next year and a half until I decided I didn't want to do this either. I grant you that the notion of being alone is fun when you're agoraphobic and surrounded by people that, let's face it, are prettier and taller and more talented than you. I'll even concede that I did have a small measure of fun doing whatever I wanted for that year and a half. It's like having a "be your own boss" business, except you don't make money. But What you don't take into account is that while you can try to embrace your inevitablity, that quality of existance that you fear with a palpable dread, while you can close yourself off and say, "fuck you world, if you don't want to present me with someone who wants me then you can kiss my ass", it doesn't take the pain away. It doesn't prevent the nagging thoughts that run through your head like the ghostly trains that pass through a dead tourist town... never stopping, never infusing the community with new citizens, always rattling the glass in your windows and bellowing out its almost funereal drones.
Two years ago I realized that the reason I was never happy with any particular career or education path that I laid my hands to was because fundamentally the only thing I wanted out of life was to be loved and to love someone else. Romantically, I must add. while I have by no means been "unloved"... Many parent figures, teachers, counselors and the like have found me quite loveable, I have never lacked the absense of Those type of people in my life, I've never found anyone who has wanted, even in the slightest, to have a romantic relationship with me. This was mitigated somewhat by the fact my religion stresses (in some circles) the uniqueness of marriage. But as I began to believe that there weren't "matches made in heaven", and that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me to have set this precedent in my life, That while I could live my life with the doubt that I would ever have the only thing that I ever wanted out of life, It would be infinitely better to assume that no matter what I did the situation wouldn't improve and stop trying.
Since this was literally my life's goal that I just decided would never come to pass, I figured disappearing was the best course of action for me. The church I attended, I simply stopped going to. What friends I had (most of whom had already moved on when I moved back, and what remained were either 30-somethings with families or mere teenagers whose interest in me was something of an oddity) ignored, and my foster parents ( who in my defense would just tell me I'm in sin and that I need to repent of my wickedness and stop serving the devil anyways) I haven't called in months.
But I was wrong. this austere lifestyle has become more of a burden than the one I gave up. But unlike the crossroads I was at back then, now I am faced with only a dead end and burnt bridges behind me. I simply cannot go back to being what I was (or more accurately, what I was perceived to be).
About 9 months ago I decided to change these things. I got a job, and worked dilligently, sometimes 7 days a week, to pay off my debt. I saw it as my first obstacle toward finding a new life for myself, and it has since proven the easiest part of this process. Money is something that is rather easy to aquire. there is no end of labor out there for the humble to set their hands to. While they may be low status and low paying, time and self denial can make up the slack.
I became laid off, found a new job, and got myself close to debt free. This march I could conceivably be 1k from being debt free, and considering the costs I've had to endure since I started my endeavor, my debt amounts to 8k in the end. 7k in 9 months is nothing of which to be ashamed.
I'm still friendless, however. I am realizing that this aspect of changing my life is going to be considerably harder, if not completely impossible. Before you say, "you're being dramatic and pissy and you just need to calm down", hear me out. I'm moving to Silverdale (unless something pops up that allows me to live in Seattle), where I will be working 40 hours a week most likely. But where am I going to make those friends? I'll have no time to take classes of any sort whether they be at a community college for credit or a local theater/comedy/pottery/interpetive dance group. while it remains to be seen whether I would have the time for something like that, I'm dubious at best of the effectiveness of going to things of that nature solely to make friends. I just don't believe people are that friendly to begin with.
It's just hard, though, and it really, really, gets me down. I think I'm doing everything I can to meet new people and make some friends, but it's slow going and I'm really worried that it's not going to happen at all. I could use some kind words and cheering up. One thing that absolutely kills is how I can have a jounal entry up for 2 days, and get maybe 5 replies, while other people can have 3 pages worth. I'm really jealous, and while I want that I don't know how to get that besides replying to people's journals as often as I can, which I do. Am I missing something? is there something more I could be doing, some other board or group I should join to meet people, or something? it's sad I guess that this is my only place to get human interaction, but it is and I need this, I need friends and this is my pond right now.
Could someone please help me out?
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
Rent I Heart Huckabees. You'll like it a lot.
[Edited on Feb 26, 2005 10:12AM]
[Edited on Feb 26, 2005 10:14AM]