I've been reading my previous journal posts. I didn't realize how many posts I'd made in 2 years. But this one stuck out, because it's concise and a pretty accurate reflection of my mindset back then (Jan 16 2005). So I'm gonna amend it for how I feel today, a full three and some change years later.
"I wish wasn't so needy."
I'm probably the furthest from needy I've ever been. I am self-fulfilled.
"I wish I wasn't so lonely."
I'm neither lonely or alone. One of my bartenders is sleeping on my couch. she's cute, and if I were needy, I'd be all up ons. But she's a sweet kid, and she's gonna be a good friend. Besides, I already fucked her friend. "Hundreds of people love me in Seattle.
"I wish I wasn't so unhappy."
I still have my ups and downs. That's called LIFE. But I've never been happier, except maybe my first time at Disneyworld with my mom.
But honestly, I fucking love my life.
"I wish I wasn't so hideous."
This was a funny progression. It started with me thinking I was truly ugly. Then I decided to believe that I wasn't. Then I decided to believe that by and large, it doesn't matter to girls (which is who I wanted to be attractive for, duh) what I look like. And now, I can genuinely say I'm fucking hot. Especially when I'm doing a flair routine at the bar with my amazing posterior prominently displayed in my sexy jeans.
"I wish I wasn't so self-loathing."
See above. The big change here though was really realizing that I had great self-esteem but horrible self-approval, and accepting myself as I was.
"I wish I wasn't so depressed."
I still get depressed. But I accept it, I don't resist it, and it's funny... I let myself feel it and then it goes away. It's just a state of being.
"I wish I always saw myself for who I really am, not who I think I am or who I think people think I am (negatively)."
Back when I wrote this I thought I knew who I was in the same way a person looking at themselves in a funhouse mirror thinks they know who they are. About two years ago, I decided that it didn't matter who I was or who I thought I was, but who I wanted to be. I made active changes to make myself into someone I wanted to be, and I love that person now.
"I wish that I was taller."
I grew a full foot in the past year, go figure.
Seriously... none of the girls I've been with have been shorter than me and none of them have cared. when I've got a 6-foot tall girl on my arm and I'm parading her around, I feel like a fucking rockstar renegade pimp more than I ever thought I would. height is so not an issue.
"I wish that I hadn't been abandoned throughout my entire life."
I wasn't. I was a fucking whiny emo bitch though that needed to get the 40 grit out of his vagine though.
"I wish that I could meet people."
I've bartended for two years and met probably 1,000's of people and I have 100's of regulars. I've slept with many women since my first (Thanks SG!) and I gotta say, I'm way more savvy at meeting people than a lot of the pathetic souls I meet while working.
"I wish I could change my life."
Been there done that. Here's a tip, if you wanna change your life, you probably need to start by changing who you are.
"I wish suicide wasn't always on my mind."
Ugh, gag.
"I wish that I could be happy with my smile."
My smile is one of the most endearing parts of me! love it.
"I wish that I could be happy."
Being happy is easy when you realize it really is about BEING, not DOING.
"I wish that I had everything I ever wanted and never had to feel any pain ever again."
Yeah, and I wish I farted rose petals and rode a unicorn across a rainbow highway to work every day. And that I had a lightsaber. Actually, screw the unicorn and rose farts, I just want a god damn lightsaber! Seriously, every sensation I have I accept and feel fully. it's a part of life and I relish it.
"I wish that I was everything I thought I'd be at 23."
I don't even remember what I thought I'd be at 23 when I wrote this malarky. I'm a bar manager at a hopping bar, making really respectable money for getting people drunk and flirting/fucking girls, I have FANS, and I'm pretty damn happy. Fuck measuring my success with any other yardstick than my own personal fulfillment.
"I wish that I could find some girl out there that loved me, and would say so in a clear way."
Haha, girls are fucking chicken. I get ogled every time I work, and I can see that now, but I really have the choice and the power now. And because it's so easy for me now to get that, my standards for what I want in an exclusive, girlfriend type relationship are pretty damn high; I'm so fucking high maintenance it's not even funny.
"I wish that my heart wasn't so cold."
I'm getting tired of this whiny dramatic shit I wrote... I put it in the oven @ 350 for an hour and it came out all nice and toasty. I use my heart now for a pen holder and paperweight.
"I wish that I didn't have the urge to destroy things when I'm in pain."
The best thing about working at a bar is I can go out back and smash bottles against the wall. I feel no guilt for my "negative" emotions. I feel them fully, I get the sensation over and done with, and I'm back to my usual kick-ass self.
"I wish that I'd learn to make myself happy, instead of making things sad for myself."
All I'm gonna say here is that it's all about BEING... not DOING.
"I wish I'd practice what I preach."
One of my core tenets is that I don't accept bad behavior... That goes for/from me as well as for/from you.
"I wish I wasn't so bored, that I wasn't so tired, and I wasn't so annoying."
Rarely bored, pretty often tired, but I don't annoy myself and I'm the only person who's opinion of myself I should really concern myself with, so check, Check, CHECK!
"I wish that my life would have a happy ending instead of the inevitable tragic ending."
OHSHITPEOPLEDIEITSSOSADBAWWWWWWWW. Judging your quality of life by how many people you lose is super stupid.
"I wish I wasn't so negative."
I'm a fucking + sign now.
"I wish I didn't have to feel this constant lingering despair."
I really wish I had some tasty linguine. Also, not despairing.
"I wish I didn't feel at all."
Man a lot changes in a few years. Someone told me once that people over-estimate what they can do in 1 year and under-estimate what they can do in 10 years. I believe it. If you would have told me back when I wrote this little pissy wish-list that I'd be a rockstar bartender making 60g a year, envied by a bunch of guys and lusted after by a ton of girls, I'd have probably.... erm... sulked at you till you gave up on my ass.
But a lot of it was because of people here who encouraged me to make those changes. They know who they are. Thanks guys.
"I wish wasn't so needy."
I'm probably the furthest from needy I've ever been. I am self-fulfilled.
"I wish I wasn't so lonely."
I'm neither lonely or alone. One of my bartenders is sleeping on my couch. she's cute, and if I were needy, I'd be all up ons. But she's a sweet kid, and she's gonna be a good friend. Besides, I already fucked her friend. "Hundreds of people love me in Seattle.
"I wish I wasn't so unhappy."
I still have my ups and downs. That's called LIFE. But I've never been happier, except maybe my first time at Disneyworld with my mom.
But honestly, I fucking love my life.
"I wish I wasn't so hideous."
This was a funny progression. It started with me thinking I was truly ugly. Then I decided to believe that I wasn't. Then I decided to believe that by and large, it doesn't matter to girls (which is who I wanted to be attractive for, duh) what I look like. And now, I can genuinely say I'm fucking hot. Especially when I'm doing a flair routine at the bar with my amazing posterior prominently displayed in my sexy jeans.
"I wish I wasn't so self-loathing."
See above. The big change here though was really realizing that I had great self-esteem but horrible self-approval, and accepting myself as I was.
"I wish I wasn't so depressed."
I still get depressed. But I accept it, I don't resist it, and it's funny... I let myself feel it and then it goes away. It's just a state of being.
"I wish I always saw myself for who I really am, not who I think I am or who I think people think I am (negatively)."
Back when I wrote this I thought I knew who I was in the same way a person looking at themselves in a funhouse mirror thinks they know who they are. About two years ago, I decided that it didn't matter who I was or who I thought I was, but who I wanted to be. I made active changes to make myself into someone I wanted to be, and I love that person now.
"I wish that I was taller."
I grew a full foot in the past year, go figure.
Seriously... none of the girls I've been with have been shorter than me and none of them have cared. when I've got a 6-foot tall girl on my arm and I'm parading her around, I feel like a fucking rockstar renegade pimp more than I ever thought I would. height is so not an issue.
"I wish that I hadn't been abandoned throughout my entire life."
I wasn't. I was a fucking whiny emo bitch though that needed to get the 40 grit out of his vagine though.
"I wish that I could meet people."
I've bartended for two years and met probably 1,000's of people and I have 100's of regulars. I've slept with many women since my first (Thanks SG!) and I gotta say, I'm way more savvy at meeting people than a lot of the pathetic souls I meet while working.
"I wish I could change my life."
Been there done that. Here's a tip, if you wanna change your life, you probably need to start by changing who you are.
"I wish suicide wasn't always on my mind."
Ugh, gag.
"I wish that I could be happy with my smile."
My smile is one of the most endearing parts of me! love it.
"I wish that I could be happy."
Being happy is easy when you realize it really is about BEING, not DOING.
"I wish that I had everything I ever wanted and never had to feel any pain ever again."
Yeah, and I wish I farted rose petals and rode a unicorn across a rainbow highway to work every day. And that I had a lightsaber. Actually, screw the unicorn and rose farts, I just want a god damn lightsaber! Seriously, every sensation I have I accept and feel fully. it's a part of life and I relish it.
"I wish that I was everything I thought I'd be at 23."
I don't even remember what I thought I'd be at 23 when I wrote this malarky. I'm a bar manager at a hopping bar, making really respectable money for getting people drunk and flirting/fucking girls, I have FANS, and I'm pretty damn happy. Fuck measuring my success with any other yardstick than my own personal fulfillment.
"I wish that I could find some girl out there that loved me, and would say so in a clear way."
Haha, girls are fucking chicken. I get ogled every time I work, and I can see that now, but I really have the choice and the power now. And because it's so easy for me now to get that, my standards for what I want in an exclusive, girlfriend type relationship are pretty damn high; I'm so fucking high maintenance it's not even funny.
"I wish that my heart wasn't so cold."
I'm getting tired of this whiny dramatic shit I wrote... I put it in the oven @ 350 for an hour and it came out all nice and toasty. I use my heart now for a pen holder and paperweight.
"I wish that I didn't have the urge to destroy things when I'm in pain."
The best thing about working at a bar is I can go out back and smash bottles against the wall. I feel no guilt for my "negative" emotions. I feel them fully, I get the sensation over and done with, and I'm back to my usual kick-ass self.
"I wish that I'd learn to make myself happy, instead of making things sad for myself."
All I'm gonna say here is that it's all about BEING... not DOING.
"I wish I'd practice what I preach."
One of my core tenets is that I don't accept bad behavior... That goes for/from me as well as for/from you.
"I wish I wasn't so bored, that I wasn't so tired, and I wasn't so annoying."
Rarely bored, pretty often tired, but I don't annoy myself and I'm the only person who's opinion of myself I should really concern myself with, so check, Check, CHECK!
"I wish that my life would have a happy ending instead of the inevitable tragic ending."
OHSHITPEOPLEDIEITSSOSADBAWWWWWWWW. Judging your quality of life by how many people you lose is super stupid.
"I wish I wasn't so negative."
I'm a fucking + sign now.
"I wish I didn't have to feel this constant lingering despair."
I really wish I had some tasty linguine. Also, not despairing.
"I wish I didn't feel at all."
Man a lot changes in a few years. Someone told me once that people over-estimate what they can do in 1 year and under-estimate what they can do in 10 years. I believe it. If you would have told me back when I wrote this little pissy wish-list that I'd be a rockstar bartender making 60g a year, envied by a bunch of guys and lusted after by a ton of girls, I'd have probably.... erm... sulked at you till you gave up on my ass.
But a lot of it was because of people here who encouraged me to make those changes. They know who they are. Thanks guys.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
I hope you know, and I hope I always conveyed, that I believed you were way more than you thought you were at the time. So glad you got to that point. Meanwhile I'm married with a baby on the way -- amazing how things change, huh?
Send me where you work -- I'd love to come in and get a decent drink.