i have the best boyfriend ever. i just got home from class and there's a page torn out of a notebook on the bed, written on in sharpie. it says "i wish we were right here."
AND the other day when i opened up the cream cheese for my bagel, he'd carved "i love you" in it with a butter knife. lord knows how many days he wanted a bagel but waited so i'd see that.
and now i would like to take a moment to write some "Hey Jerk!" letters.
-hey jerk!
you can park your fucking moped anywhere! don't block the bikes, and don't park it in the fucking bike rack!
i had to physically lift your moped out of the way today so i could get my bike off the sidewalk! have you no decency?!
-hey jerk!
shut the fuck up! if you don't wanna learn in class, if you don't wanna do well on the test, don't come to class. i'm really tired of hearing about how you scored this weekend with some ho and how cool that game was and how your friend is an asshole because he didn't write your name on the attendance sheet when you decided to skip class. fuck off!
-hey (well-intentioned and confused semi-) jerk!
while i appreciate that you invited us over for dinner, you knew we were vegetarian. we've had to justify this to you several times. and while mat doesn't think this is true, i suspect that you put hot dog chunks in that meal, knowing we were vegetarians, to somehow try and break our resolve. because when we said "hey, you know we're vegetarian! we can't eat that!" you said "oh. well, every once in a while is okay." and when we smacked our heads in frustration you said "well, look, you can just pick it out!" and demonstrated for us how that would work. and when we said "no, it doesn't work that way" you said "weell don't be crazy about it. the pieces are big enough to pick out, you can just pick around them," we just became more frustrated. and so we had a beer and sat with you anyway while you ate your MURDER! (okay, i'm not really that fanatic, i just got on a good rant).
okay... i think that's it for now.
please feel free to leave hey jerk! letters below.
AND the other day when i opened up the cream cheese for my bagel, he'd carved "i love you" in it with a butter knife. lord knows how many days he wanted a bagel but waited so i'd see that.
and now i would like to take a moment to write some "Hey Jerk!" letters.
-hey jerk!
you can park your fucking moped anywhere! don't block the bikes, and don't park it in the fucking bike rack!
i had to physically lift your moped out of the way today so i could get my bike off the sidewalk! have you no decency?!
-hey jerk!
shut the fuck up! if you don't wanna learn in class, if you don't wanna do well on the test, don't come to class. i'm really tired of hearing about how you scored this weekend with some ho and how cool that game was and how your friend is an asshole because he didn't write your name on the attendance sheet when you decided to skip class. fuck off!
-hey (well-intentioned and confused semi-) jerk!
while i appreciate that you invited us over for dinner, you knew we were vegetarian. we've had to justify this to you several times. and while mat doesn't think this is true, i suspect that you put hot dog chunks in that meal, knowing we were vegetarians, to somehow try and break our resolve. because when we said "hey, you know we're vegetarian! we can't eat that!" you said "oh. well, every once in a while is okay." and when we smacked our heads in frustration you said "well, look, you can just pick it out!" and demonstrated for us how that would work. and when we said "no, it doesn't work that way" you said "weell don't be crazy about it. the pieces are big enough to pick out, you can just pick around them," we just became more frustrated. and so we had a beer and sat with you anyway while you ate your MURDER! (okay, i'm not really that fanatic, i just got on a good rant).
okay... i think that's it for now.
please feel free to leave hey jerk! letters below.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
that thing with the cream cheese is about the sweetest thing ever.... lucky girl!!
Thanks for replacing my shampoo with Nair you pesky fuck! Now I have a combover like Phil in accounting! Might as well get a nasty rub-on tan like him, grow bistly moustache and call him my twin brother. And if you keep putting oregano in my coffee grinds the next time I sneeze green flakes it'll be all over your face!
Wow, I feel so much lighter now...