I’m so incredibly disillusioned with every facet of my life over the past few weeks and months.
Professionally at work, personally with myself, my friends, just life in general.
It’s feeling like the entire universe has just pointed at me and said “hey, this guy, let’s fuck this guy right up”
Every decision that I make or that is made concerning me just seems to be made with the intention of making my life more difficult. It doesn’t even seem like coincidence, it seems like the decisions are identified as to what could make my life easier, then they do the exact opposite.
Every friend I seem to have just seems so superficial. Not the people themselves but my relationship with them. It all seems to be based on our ability to never approach anything even remotely construed as a serious topic.
That’s not completely true I suppose I do have a couple that I can in fact have serious conversations with but that gets to the point where you don’t want to do that when it feels like you’re becoming a burden by continually dumping on them.
It’s gotten to the point where I actively seek out excess to try to avoid all this. Physical release, alcohol, whatever the fuck I can get my hands on to get out of my own head.
At the risk of coming off as totally melodramatic I honestly feel like my trip to America later in the year has been the only thing that’s kept me from doing something completely fucking stupid at times.
And do you want to know the truly fucked up part?
Of course you don’t, but this is my post and my blog so I’m just going to go ahead and answer my question.
I KNOW that that’s bullshit.
I KNOW that I have a good job, I have great friends and I have a pretty fucking sweet life all things considered.
But there’s something malfunctioning in my head where any time I’m unoccupied I instantly nosedive into the negative of all of those situations.
This is why I’ve never actually said anything at all about anything. I know that the problem’s in my head and the last thing I want is that image of privileged white boy bitching about his first world problems.
But, at this point, fuck it.
I need some sort of catharsis even if it’s something as impotent as putting some of it into words on the internet.
