faceforradio

I don't know what this is.

It's almost painful. It's a deepdeepdeep yearning. My breathing is shallow. It's almost like a panic attack, but not quite. It's a mix of things: lust, angst, love, fear, pining, humility, gradiosity, insecurity.

And I have to go to the bathroom.

Per his request, I wrote a long letter to Matt laying out how I feel about him and what I want to tell him. I did this almost a week ago (last Friday night after work). It sat on my bedside table for days. Yesterday, I stuck it in the envelope and addressed it and stamped it. It's now sitting by the endtable by the door. Why can't I send it??? I'm afraid that he'll read it and get uncomfortable. Or he'll feel the same way and I'll somehow fuck up and hurt him. And since I've been so busy and tired all week, and so has he, we haven't talked in a while.

And out last conversation really made me worry about him. He's really stressed about his upcoming deployment. "I almost feel like I should talk to a priest, you know? Like, make my peace with God?" "There's no point in us going over there." "It's just really spooky." "We won't be able to have any contact at all since we're going to be in a patrol base. Those places are just horrible."

I want my Matty home, safe, close by. I hate this fucking pointless, never-ending war.


Gah.



On a lighter note, check out this little dude:





Meet Kid Icarus, also known as Pit. Found by my friend's roomate in an abandoned house down the street. (Don't ask, we haven't, and don't really want to know.) He's a funny bunny. The day they got him, Ian brought the bunny down to the video store (hence the background). He's healthier looking today. All shiny and energetic. He sits on Ian's head at night. haha





I saw my future new home yesterday. It's, like, crayz, wicked nice. There's a rock garden complete with goldfish pond in the back. A deck with an arbor (I'm sooooo getting grapes and aspberries from my mom's house). Garage. Full basement with lots of storage and a washer and dryer. Newly remodelled everyyything. A fire place. Big front porch. . . Heaven. My room will be bigger than my current room, and the closet is way bigger. The two dudes who own it live upstairs, and Jason and I basically have the run of the first floor since they're never home, and our rooms are downstairs. It's got two full bathrooms, so Jason and I will share the one by his room (it's so cleeeeean). Oh, I'm so happy.

I'm also almost unsick.

Bought four CDs yesterday: the new Modest Mouse, Of Montreal's "Satanic Panic in the Attic", Cat Power's "The Greatest", and the first New Pornographers. So happy with my selections. I wanted to get Boys of Scandanavia and !!!, but they didn't have them at Gem City.

Alright. I need to get this NVivo crap done so I can get my SPSS crap done so I can spend the next week working on my thesis. Wee!!!

Remember, if you're an Ohio cat, I'm at the Vue Ultra Lounge every Friday and Saturday night, serving up the best drinks mixed by the state's best intoxicologists, at prices you can't beat with a stick for the service and atmosphere!



Qs:

1. What was your worst subject in high school? Any better at it now?
2. What's the best album you recently acquired?
3. Do you read on the toilet? What do you read?
4. What's a good book on the sex industry, particularly exotic dancing/stripping, that you could recommend I read for my lit review?
5. Do you donate to any charitable causes?

Oh, and BTDubs, do not ask me to check out your hopeful second chance set. That's tacky, y'all. If it's a good set, people will find it, and SG will get you up there. Don't be rude!