faceforradio

I think I'm developing an eating disorder. I've become an obsessive calorie-counter and feel really guilty everytime I eat anything. Even a salad with less than fifty calories in it. I don't get it. I feel fat all the time.

I wear a small/medium on top and a 10-tall or medium on bottom. I weigh 150 pounds. I'm 5'8", large frame. That puts me right at the light end of healthy. If I lose five pounds, I stand the possibility of being underweight. My measurements: 34B, 27.5, 39.5 (I could birth a small nation). Completely average and healthy. I'm firm everywhere (a little jiggle in the thighs and ass because I'm a girl and I'm supposed to be that way). My tummy is flat. My tri-weekly workout burns probably 800-1000 calories. I've lost 35 pounds and two pants sizes since June. I went from plus-size to a misses' medium.

I can look at other women-- friends, SGs, whoever-- who are bigger than I ever was and can see a beautiful woman. Now I'm that bitch who obsesses over her weight. I hated when my thin friends obsessed over their bodies in front of me when I was bigger. Now I do it.

. . . And yet? I'm filled with self-loathing regarding my body. I actually thought about throwing up after my workout Monday. What the fuck? I'll eat meals with fewer than 300 calories. MEALS with only 250 calories. The food that's supposed to energize and heal me for the next 3-4 hours, give my body the material to maintain itself.

I convince myself that eating is fine and force myself to be okay and buy and eat snacks. After I eat some baked soy-flax-and-veggie tortilla chips and organic hummus? I'm fat and hateful. 300 calories means I'm now destined for obesity? What the fuck? Sometimes I'll be okay to eat something nuts like candy (oh no!) or something else equally unhealthy and later on be really upset with myself. I have to weigh myself and take my measurements to shut myself up.

I hate this. I don't think I'll ever cross over to anorexia or bulemia, but this is NOT healthy. When I was losing weight, my mom kept warning me to be careful. She had an eating disorder in high school, and doesn't want to see me go that route. When I was growing up, I watched her struggle with weight control and severe depression. I'm sure this didn't send the best messages. (I do not, however, place any blame on her for this. My mom is an incredible, strong, beautiful woman and has lost and kept off a significant amount of weight in the past few years and started living a very healthy lifestyle. She gives me recipes and helps guide my food choices and can talk about Buddhist philosophy with me and help me get over spiritual hurdles. But I'm really afraid to talk to her about this.) One of my aunts on my dad's side was severely anorexic in high school and stil suffers from OCD. Maybe there's a family thing here.

It's hard to talk to my friends about this. I bitch so much as it is, and psychoanalyze myself to them ALL the time. I'm sure they're sick of hearing me. And it's SUCH a self-important thing.

That's the killer. How can I be this self-obsessed? Self-loathing is centered in the self and is therefore self-serving. Not something I should be doing. And hating yourself? FUck that! I talk with friends and co-workers all the time and can help them work through shit totally rationally, but I get so stuck in my petty, bourgeous, self-centered problem. How did I get here? How do I get out of it???

There's a free mental health screening coming up in February. I'm going. I can't let myself duck out of this. I'm gettig sicker and sicker. . .