just as fair warning...this may take a while...it was a long night...
annaliesa came back home yesterday....she came over as soon as she could and i led her blindfolded into my bedroom....sat her on the bed and told her to take off the blindfold....i was sitting indian style in front of her...our eyes parallel and connected in such a spiritual bond that i could barely manage to look away so i could reach for her birthday presents....her birthday isnt until monday...but i couldnt wait any longer to see the happiness spread across her delicate face....i bought her a couple things....all items that meant something to me andi knew would mean the same to her....
she smiled as if she was 5 all over again...i love seeing her face light up because it fills the entire room and my entire soul with life and warmth....
after tons of hugs and kisses we chit chatted with my mum about plans and such then we were off...we went back to her house and watched a movie with her stepmum and afterwards we went to her old room and laid wrapped in each others arms across her bed like we did all summer....we giggled and wrestled and kissed soft friendly kisses....kisses that we only understand the meanings and feelings behind....for the first time in a while...i felt alive....and so did she....
this wouldnt last the whole evening though...at least not in my case....
i went to work as i always do...saw jason for the first time since i gave him his present....he was awkward..uneasy....oh well i figure it just wasnt meant to be...ive moved on and he has too...
the night dragged on...i finished the cleaning list my manager had left for me (as if i didnt do enough shit around there as is)....taking occassional breaks to smoke a cigarette and stand outside and let the breeze caress my face...all in all it was turning into a decent night at work....until he came in...
i think i was sweeping or stocking or just standing there when he came in...in all honesty i cant remember....he looked as he always has...a little older though...its been a little under a year since the last time i saw him but my skin still crawled and my mouth still became dry and my blood still turned cold...like it always had when i saw him....
i guess i should explain the background a little bit...not really because i think you want to hear it...but because i need to...for myself...
when i first starting snorting coke i had no problem getting it for free because everyone knew i was starting out...either that or i would coax my friends into letting me share a couple lines with em...although as my addiction became more and more a top priority for me...i found that money was scarce on my part and no one was just giving it away anymore....
one day...actually it was september 19th, 2000 (its funny the things you remember)...i had it bad..real bad and for the first time i started to feel empty without the beautiful powder....i had gone through the whole day trying to find a score....it wasnt happening....and thats when i met him....he never told me his name and he never told me how he had gotten mine...all he said was that he heard i was a cute little kid with an insatiable appetite for coke....he also told me that he had what i needed and it wouldnt cost me a cent....i was on my way over to his place the second i heard that....
i wont go on into details any further because its becoming increasingly hard to see the screen through salty eyes...
he looked right through me last night as he was buying his starbucks vanilla frappuccino...didnt even acknowledge my existence...an existence that he helped to fuck up for almost a year....right fucking through me....i didnt say a word to him....i couldnt even look him in the face whenever i handed back his change....he left right after....
i jsut stood there in complete disbelief of what had just happened....i could feel the tears swelling up and the numbness just overtake my body....i locked the front door and collasped behind the counter and cried as if my soul had been ripped to shreds...
so many things raced through my head....the two year and a half years of my life that i had wasted...i had taken for granted....the things i did for this man and other men and women just so i could get a 15 minute high that was never as satisfying as i had hoped....the pain in which i caused those who cared about me...them constantly worrying about which line would be my last...my parents and younger brother who had no clue what an awful creature i had become....how well i had hidden it from them scared me so much....all these things and a million more....and what was the background...the scenery on which these thoughts had crossed...his disgusting face...his greasy hands...his everything....and he didnt even notice me...that son of a bitch did more damage to my mind body and soul than anyone could ever imagine....and you know whats sad...whats pathetic...is that i let him....i let him because i needed to have my fix...
annaliesa called me and woke me from a trancelike state i had fallen into...she asked if everything was ok....i told her i would explain later but that i had too much stuff left to do to tell her now..i heard the worry in her voice and reassured her that i was ok...or at least i was going to be....
i unlocked the door and continued work as usual....when paul came in i acted as if nothing had ever happened...same whenever my dad picked me up this morning...i treated him to breakfast like i do almost every morning...this time i decided bruegers and we ate and laughed and talked the rest of the way home....
tuesday will be 114 days....i made a promise to myself last night as i was unlocking the doors that the number would keep adding up...when i first decided to quit...i quit for annaliesa...because i saw how badly it was tearing her up...she could never tell when i did it or how often i did...because i kept my addiction very secretive and thats what hurt her the most...the fact that she couldnt tell...so i quit...for her...but last night i decided that the reason for whyim staying clean...not just for her...but for me...
im leaving tomorrow with annaliesa...im staying with her in her dorm down at wvu until friday....i need to be with her right now more than ever before....i need to hold her in my arms and fall asleep to the sound of her breath...ill write when i get there....
im sorry if this post freaked anyone out...it wasnt intended to...i just needed to talk....thank you to those of you who listened...
annaliesa came back home yesterday....she came over as soon as she could and i led her blindfolded into my bedroom....sat her on the bed and told her to take off the blindfold....i was sitting indian style in front of her...our eyes parallel and connected in such a spiritual bond that i could barely manage to look away so i could reach for her birthday presents....her birthday isnt until monday...but i couldnt wait any longer to see the happiness spread across her delicate face....i bought her a couple things....all items that meant something to me andi knew would mean the same to her....
she smiled as if she was 5 all over again...i love seeing her face light up because it fills the entire room and my entire soul with life and warmth....
after tons of hugs and kisses we chit chatted with my mum about plans and such then we were off...we went back to her house and watched a movie with her stepmum and afterwards we went to her old room and laid wrapped in each others arms across her bed like we did all summer....we giggled and wrestled and kissed soft friendly kisses....kisses that we only understand the meanings and feelings behind....for the first time in a while...i felt alive....and so did she....
this wouldnt last the whole evening though...at least not in my case....
i went to work as i always do...saw jason for the first time since i gave him his present....he was awkward..uneasy....oh well i figure it just wasnt meant to be...ive moved on and he has too...
the night dragged on...i finished the cleaning list my manager had left for me (as if i didnt do enough shit around there as is)....taking occassional breaks to smoke a cigarette and stand outside and let the breeze caress my face...all in all it was turning into a decent night at work....until he came in...
i think i was sweeping or stocking or just standing there when he came in...in all honesty i cant remember....he looked as he always has...a little older though...its been a little under a year since the last time i saw him but my skin still crawled and my mouth still became dry and my blood still turned cold...like it always had when i saw him....
i guess i should explain the background a little bit...not really because i think you want to hear it...but because i need to...for myself...
when i first starting snorting coke i had no problem getting it for free because everyone knew i was starting out...either that or i would coax my friends into letting me share a couple lines with em...although as my addiction became more and more a top priority for me...i found that money was scarce on my part and no one was just giving it away anymore....
one day...actually it was september 19th, 2000 (its funny the things you remember)...i had it bad..real bad and for the first time i started to feel empty without the beautiful powder....i had gone through the whole day trying to find a score....it wasnt happening....and thats when i met him....he never told me his name and he never told me how he had gotten mine...all he said was that he heard i was a cute little kid with an insatiable appetite for coke....he also told me that he had what i needed and it wouldnt cost me a cent....i was on my way over to his place the second i heard that....
i wont go on into details any further because its becoming increasingly hard to see the screen through salty eyes...
he looked right through me last night as he was buying his starbucks vanilla frappuccino...didnt even acknowledge my existence...an existence that he helped to fuck up for almost a year....right fucking through me....i didnt say a word to him....i couldnt even look him in the face whenever i handed back his change....he left right after....
i jsut stood there in complete disbelief of what had just happened....i could feel the tears swelling up and the numbness just overtake my body....i locked the front door and collasped behind the counter and cried as if my soul had been ripped to shreds...
so many things raced through my head....the two year and a half years of my life that i had wasted...i had taken for granted....the things i did for this man and other men and women just so i could get a 15 minute high that was never as satisfying as i had hoped....the pain in which i caused those who cared about me...them constantly worrying about which line would be my last...my parents and younger brother who had no clue what an awful creature i had become....how well i had hidden it from them scared me so much....all these things and a million more....and what was the background...the scenery on which these thoughts had crossed...his disgusting face...his greasy hands...his everything....and he didnt even notice me...that son of a bitch did more damage to my mind body and soul than anyone could ever imagine....and you know whats sad...whats pathetic...is that i let him....i let him because i needed to have my fix...
annaliesa called me and woke me from a trancelike state i had fallen into...she asked if everything was ok....i told her i would explain later but that i had too much stuff left to do to tell her now..i heard the worry in her voice and reassured her that i was ok...or at least i was going to be....
i unlocked the door and continued work as usual....when paul came in i acted as if nothing had ever happened...same whenever my dad picked me up this morning...i treated him to breakfast like i do almost every morning...this time i decided bruegers and we ate and laughed and talked the rest of the way home....
tuesday will be 114 days....i made a promise to myself last night as i was unlocking the doors that the number would keep adding up...when i first decided to quit...i quit for annaliesa...because i saw how badly it was tearing her up...she could never tell when i did it or how often i did...because i kept my addiction very secretive and thats what hurt her the most...the fact that she couldnt tell...so i quit...for her...but last night i decided that the reason for whyim staying clean...not just for her...but for me...
im leaving tomorrow with annaliesa...im staying with her in her dorm down at wvu until friday....i need to be with her right now more than ever before....i need to hold her in my arms and fall asleep to the sound of her breath...ill write when i get there....
im sorry if this post freaked anyone out...it wasnt intended to...i just needed to talk....thank you to those of you who listened...
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
its probabally better that he didnt talk to you... i mean what would you have to say to him?.... i dunno, maybe thats just me...