ah so yesterday....what an awfully interesting day.....this might be a long post...so if there is no one who actually reads it through i will not be hurt...in fact i will understand completely...seeing as my writing isnt always the most vivid and attention grabbing...
i woke up saw the frost got all happy blah blah blah...those who read yesterdays post already know this so i wont repeat it any further.....after painting and updating about my psuedo depression i returned to painting until i got a phone call....
phil use to be my drug dealer/pimp(?)/boyfriend/best friend.....after i quit using i decided it would be to my benefit that i didnt associate with the people i use to because well that would only lead to temptation and well i needed no more of that....its been 78 days today and i do not want to fuck this up again....
as i heard his voice on the other end my mind seemingly lost itself and for some reason i kept talking to him even though i wanted nothing to do with him and the people i once considered friends....normally when he calls its got something to do with me getting back into things and how much he misses fucking blah blah blah....this phone call was different....
a close friend of mine, missy, apparently started using...i had no clue about this...hmmm maybe "close firend" is misleading....she at one point in my life was a close friend...there we go...a.t any rate...i still had no clue she had start using....well she wont be using anymore...monday night at 3:49 she was pronounced dead from an overdose on heroin....
phil asked me if i wanted to go with him to the viewing either today or tomorrow and then to the funeral on friday....i thought briefly about this and told him no.....from there the conversation went even faster downhill....he couldnt believe that i wasnt going and when i tried explaining my reasons he informed me that since i had cleaned up i turned into a raging bitch that forgot about all the people who loved me....loved me???haha i wanted to laugh at this...those people didnt love me...the fucked me in more ways then one....they were there for the same reasons i was there...the drugs....but thats not what hurt the most coming from him...before hanging up on me his exact line was..."man you fucking whore...it shouldnt be missy we are burying it should be you"....click...
now i know to not let the things he says get to me....but i couldnt help it this time...the rest of the day was spent wondering if it should have been me...if i really can stay clean for good or if ill end up giving him a call later on in life for a score....on top of that i had lost yet another person to the drug i fancied for 2 years....i felt and still feel awful about my unattendence at her layout and such....but i cant go....i cant see death again.....the pale blue skin sealed eyes....it would be different if she had died form cancer or a car accident...but not this...not something ive experienced first hand and besides ive been to 7 of these already....7 bodies in front of me just lifeless and useless....i cant go through this again because i know it would hurt so badly that it would give me an excuse to deaden the pain with just a few lines.....
my parents dont know about those 2 years....and its not because they are bad parents who neglect me...its quite the opposite...the are amazing parents adn i consider them my best firends...but i was just extremely good at hididng it from them...i told them i smoked cigarettes and would occassionally have a few drinks at a friends house....they bought it and still do...although now its the truth....so yesterday when i couldnt explain to them why i was in such a daze.....it made me feel even worse because i realized how hurt and disappointed and betrayed they would be if they ever found out.....i felt like shit....
i called annaliesa around 8 or so....i cried on the phone and told her so many things that it began to hurt my head....all i wanted was her to be here to hold me and kiss my forehead and tell me she loves me...but she made me feel better with her words and for the first time since that morning i had a smile on my face....i got off the phone and curled up in front of my tv....feeling warm and better thanks to my distant sweetheart....
my night became even better when jason called....we chit chatted about usual things until he asked what i had planned for the evening...i told him nothing special and he asked if i wanted to go over mikeys with him,,,i jumped at the opporitunity to get out for alitte while and he was here in 15 minutes...i left the house with no make up on and a beanie.....lets just say i was pleasantly surprised that he kissed me as i got into the car....
over to miekys we went....we jammed and drank beer and got a lovely buzz and watched the simpsons on dvd....it was lovely no commercials....you cant go wrong....and jason and i sat on the couch smiling and holding hands and i felt at peace for the first time in a very long time....
we left mikeys ( oh and before i left i found my glasses!!!) around 1 or so and as we walked to his car he told me he was happy i came over and put his arm around my waist and pulled me closer....we stood there under street lights kissing and with each kiss i felt myself fall apart and come back together all at the same time....
the driveway at mikeys is sketchy so everyone always parks at the church parking lot located about a block from his house.....we eventually made it to his car and as he picked what cd we were to listen on the drive home i leaned over and gently kissed his neck and kissed my way to his lips....from there insued long passionate kisses accompanied with smiles and short teasing kisses.....this lasted for a while....until a cop pulled up beside us.....
haha he was going to site jason for dui and me for underaged drinking...he didnt though and instead made us go back to mikeys....jason had to leave his car at the church....haha....so mikey drove us home and laughter filled the car....it was an enjoyable ride....but the best thing about it, as sappy as it sounds, was this...i sat in the front seat since i was the first one out of the car and jason sat behind me....he sat forward almost at the edge of his seat and he had his arm draped around my shoulder...his hand playing with mine.....
i got out of the car and he kissed me good night and told me he would see me at work tomorrow....i went to bed and fell into the most peaceful sleep ive slept in ages....such a long day...and long entry.....
i woke up saw the frost got all happy blah blah blah...those who read yesterdays post already know this so i wont repeat it any further.....after painting and updating about my psuedo depression i returned to painting until i got a phone call....
phil use to be my drug dealer/pimp(?)/boyfriend/best friend.....after i quit using i decided it would be to my benefit that i didnt associate with the people i use to because well that would only lead to temptation and well i needed no more of that....its been 78 days today and i do not want to fuck this up again....
as i heard his voice on the other end my mind seemingly lost itself and for some reason i kept talking to him even though i wanted nothing to do with him and the people i once considered friends....normally when he calls its got something to do with me getting back into things and how much he misses fucking blah blah blah....this phone call was different....
a close friend of mine, missy, apparently started using...i had no clue about this...hmmm maybe "close firend" is misleading....she at one point in my life was a close friend...there we go...a.t any rate...i still had no clue she had start using....well she wont be using anymore...monday night at 3:49 she was pronounced dead from an overdose on heroin....
phil asked me if i wanted to go with him to the viewing either today or tomorrow and then to the funeral on friday....i thought briefly about this and told him no.....from there the conversation went even faster downhill....he couldnt believe that i wasnt going and when i tried explaining my reasons he informed me that since i had cleaned up i turned into a raging bitch that forgot about all the people who loved me....loved me???haha i wanted to laugh at this...those people didnt love me...the fucked me in more ways then one....they were there for the same reasons i was there...the drugs....but thats not what hurt the most coming from him...before hanging up on me his exact line was..."man you fucking whore...it shouldnt be missy we are burying it should be you"....click...
now i know to not let the things he says get to me....but i couldnt help it this time...the rest of the day was spent wondering if it should have been me...if i really can stay clean for good or if ill end up giving him a call later on in life for a score....on top of that i had lost yet another person to the drug i fancied for 2 years....i felt and still feel awful about my unattendence at her layout and such....but i cant go....i cant see death again.....the pale blue skin sealed eyes....it would be different if she had died form cancer or a car accident...but not this...not something ive experienced first hand and besides ive been to 7 of these already....7 bodies in front of me just lifeless and useless....i cant go through this again because i know it would hurt so badly that it would give me an excuse to deaden the pain with just a few lines.....
my parents dont know about those 2 years....and its not because they are bad parents who neglect me...its quite the opposite...the are amazing parents adn i consider them my best firends...but i was just extremely good at hididng it from them...i told them i smoked cigarettes and would occassionally have a few drinks at a friends house....they bought it and still do...although now its the truth....so yesterday when i couldnt explain to them why i was in such a daze.....it made me feel even worse because i realized how hurt and disappointed and betrayed they would be if they ever found out.....i felt like shit....
i called annaliesa around 8 or so....i cried on the phone and told her so many things that it began to hurt my head....all i wanted was her to be here to hold me and kiss my forehead and tell me she loves me...but she made me feel better with her words and for the first time since that morning i had a smile on my face....i got off the phone and curled up in front of my tv....feeling warm and better thanks to my distant sweetheart....
my night became even better when jason called....we chit chatted about usual things until he asked what i had planned for the evening...i told him nothing special and he asked if i wanted to go over mikeys with him,,,i jumped at the opporitunity to get out for alitte while and he was here in 15 minutes...i left the house with no make up on and a beanie.....lets just say i was pleasantly surprised that he kissed me as i got into the car....
over to miekys we went....we jammed and drank beer and got a lovely buzz and watched the simpsons on dvd....it was lovely no commercials....you cant go wrong....and jason and i sat on the couch smiling and holding hands and i felt at peace for the first time in a very long time....
we left mikeys ( oh and before i left i found my glasses!!!) around 1 or so and as we walked to his car he told me he was happy i came over and put his arm around my waist and pulled me closer....we stood there under street lights kissing and with each kiss i felt myself fall apart and come back together all at the same time....
the driveway at mikeys is sketchy so everyone always parks at the church parking lot located about a block from his house.....we eventually made it to his car and as he picked what cd we were to listen on the drive home i leaned over and gently kissed his neck and kissed my way to his lips....from there insued long passionate kisses accompanied with smiles and short teasing kisses.....this lasted for a while....until a cop pulled up beside us.....
haha he was going to site jason for dui and me for underaged drinking...he didnt though and instead made us go back to mikeys....jason had to leave his car at the church....haha....so mikey drove us home and laughter filled the car....it was an enjoyable ride....but the best thing about it, as sappy as it sounds, was this...i sat in the front seat since i was the first one out of the car and jason sat behind me....he sat forward almost at the edge of his seat and he had his arm draped around my shoulder...his hand playing with mine.....
i got out of the car and he kissed me good night and told me he would see me at work tomorrow....i went to bed and fell into the most peaceful sleep ive slept in ages....such a long day...and long entry.....
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
i hope you're taking care of yourself.
your right not to want to socialize with someone who contributed to your drug problem. dont listen to him. i dont blame you for not wanting to go to a funeral. Ive only been to one, and thats enough for the rest of my life.