eyerush

Got hit with a shocker last night. It didn't help that she came down to my sanctuary (the local brewery where I drink every Thurs. night) to tell me this when I'm super tired and half drunk.

You kinda hafta know the story from the beginning so, pull up a chair and settle yourself in for a brief one. The old lady and I have been dating for some 7 years. It has had it's ups and down like any relationship but for the most part, it has been as perfect a relationship that I have ever had. We hardly fight, we enjoy each others company immensly and we appreciate each others' need for an occassional life outside of the relationship. (No, I don't mean swinging you pervs. Just hanging out with friends or family etc.) Everything has been wonderful.

We've had some seperation isssues. She went to UCSC for 4 years. That isn't that much of a big deal. It's only an hour and a half away and I actually loved it when she lived there. I used to visit on weekends. I think I liked it more than she did. She also lived in Bordeaux France for a year for a Studies Abroad program. This was actually a little tougher. We missed each other terribly. The amount of mail, email and phone calls was astronomical. I was in a year long slump due to her abscence. It was made slightly more tolerable by two trips to France and a couple of weeks in Ireland.

She is a girl with a mind of her own and that is, what I consider, one of the most attractive things about her. (Well, she does have nice boobies too.) Since she has graduated, she has been toying with the idea of going to the east coast for her Masters Degree. She doesn't feel that the west coast has anything for art in schooling. I have always supported this idea. I have even encouraged it because , not only would it give her an oppurtunity to pursue exactly wht she wants (I don't want her to settle just becuse she's in love with some jerk) but it would gie me a couple of years to get my shit together and back on track to my own goals.

The thing is, that was awhile ago. She pretty much gave up on the east coast thing and was looking into some of the local colleges. She has always hated being unsure of herself and it has been getting her down not knowing what she was "doing with her life." There was also talk of her changing her major to something that was equally appealing to her and was offered at San Jose State. (Just 45 mins south).

Now comes the dilemma. All of a sudden it's "rush" time. She pretty much wants the 2 year time limit to be condensed. (Just wait, there is a twist. Keep reading.) I have no problem with this. This is, after all, the girl I am to marry. She talks about nothing but marriage and living together and buying a house together... There it is. She wants a house. I tell her that I want these things too. I just would like her to figure out the next coupple of years concretely. These are all things that can be put off until we are in a better situation to make them happen. But she is an insistent young woman. All of our plans are put on hold and we start looking for a house.

We look and we look and we look. She's very strong minded (as mentioned before) and will not settle for a house she will not love. (Don't get me wrong, I approve of this and wouldn't want it any other way. I'm the same way. We both have a fear of ending up in what was to become a "starter home".) So we look at a lot. In the meantime, she has moved back into the Art frame of mind which is OK because she is applying at a college two blocks from where I find the perfect house. It is perfect. My parents are helping out with the down payment. (Another story in itself.) We start going through the motions of purchasing the house. ( I just wanted to stop right now and either re-assure or disappoint the reader and say that this isn't a break up story. We're still together nd probably remain so.)

So, back to the house. She applys to the school. It's a tricky situation One of the instructors at this school for the Master's prgram is an artist that the old lady really likes. Out of hundreds of applicants for the Master's program, they only accept 2. She doesn't get in. Everything comes to s standstill. Her plans and goals are up in the air. She is unsure of her schooling and even less unsure of her employment. She was working a job where she was paid well but it was a job she hated. It seems like we might not get the house and the finacial burdrn won't be so great so she quits that job to pursue something more art based. All I hear is "What am I doing with my life?" and "I'm not going in the direction I want to." over and over. This mixed in with "I still want a house." was starting to stress me a little. Don't get me wrong. I'm supportive but she's the kind that can tend to sit around complaining about things rather than try to fix them.

And then, part one of the shocker. We're most likely getting the house. We have something at least and we'll figure out the rest as we go. Yesterday, I applied for the loan and the guy says it most likely won't be a problem. The thing is, it won't be easy either. Especially since she doesn't have a well paying job. But it will be worth it. I love the house Yesterday I'm estatic. (Keep in mind that we've had trouble getting this house and it's been a long process. This isn't a two week story.)

So, there I am, at the brewey with my friends and she comes in. I tell her about the day's happenings and she smiles and carries on and we have a decent time. She decide to leave and I walk her out.

Entre Le Shocker

(I know that le shocker isn't french for the shocker but humor me.)

"There is something I want to talk about," she says.

"Oh Yeah?"

"I've been talking to my father's friend at Yale and she has told me that there are no good programs on the west coast outside of UCLA."

(Gulp)

"I wanna try for the East Coast Schools but I'm going to apply at UCLA too."

Is that supposed to comfort me? What, is she gonna commute from Oakland to Southern California?

"Aren't you going to say something?" she asks. Obviously, she is thinking about the distance thing and not the fact that I've made plans to pour hundreds of thousands of dollars into an investment with her that I wanted to put off for a couple of years until she was done with her schooling.

"You've always told me to pursue what will make me the happiest."

Well, I had to say something. "That was before we decided to buy a house together! I've given you every oppurtuntiy to do what ever you want with your schooling and after all this, now is when you decide you want to do something with it?"

"Well", she says, " It's only gonna be for two years. I'll still live with you for a year and a half because I won't even be able to apply until next fall."

So, pause my life for another 3-4 years at least. I'm gonna be 33 in two months. That gives me a starting age of 36 for making a family. The thing is, that wouldn't worry me. I'd quit my job and move with her if it wasn't for this damned house thing. This house that I wasn't ready for.

I don't know. I'm all pissed off again just from writing this.

We talked a little more before I told her that I should get back inside. I think she wanted a little closure. I don't know what she wanted. She even said te most worrying thing I have ever heard her say to me. "I'll understand if you can't wait for me."

Jesus Christ, I love this woman and it seems like she'd be comfortable with me moving on in a life that doesn't include her because she's following her dream and doesn't want it to mess up my life. Or is she wooried that my life will drag her's down? I felt so dismisssed after that comment. I don't know if it was her intention but it had a whole "like it or not" feel to it.

So, to end the night (and I do feel a little guilty and yet a little justified in this) I told her I was going back into the bar.

"Don't you think we should talk about this?" she asked.

"We will later," I responded, "I gotta go into the bar with my frined and see if one of them wants to be my housemate."

So here I am, Fri Morning (afternoon) not wanting to admit to doing the "I'm gonna let her call me" thing, wondering in fact, when and if she is gonna call me, listening to Con's Cd #1 (how approriate that I brought that up the other day.) wondering also if my boss is picking me up or going me the day off.

Why do I have a feeling that this story will be "To be continued at a later date."?

If you sat though the whole thing, thanks. Tell me what you think.

If you didn't, I'd apologize for making it so damned long but you wouldn't be reading it anyhow.

To make one more note:

The thing is, she's a teffric artist with a whole bunch of potential. I don't want to be a burden on that. (If you want, email me and I'l give you her website address so you can see her stuff.) On the other hand, she's a wonderful girlfriend and a wonderful person. Damn, is the house actual an issue? I'll have to think about that one. Before the house though, I would've followed her around the world.

Oh, well, it's a holiday weekend and my boss just called to say that there is no work today. I think I'm gonna go do something. I'll talk to you all later.