I don't know what the issue is exactly... I think it's a lot of things piling up and over exhausting me. I cried today for the first time in months, and it sucked. My face hurt after from the tears. How can people say that crying is possibly a good thing? I always feel worse after... headaches, sore eyes, etc.
One major factor is money right now... I'm so broke. For the past two week I've had about 1 dollar to my name. I can't afford food or anything, and I have a cat that may need a visit to the vet. Fortunately Friday is pay day, and it should be a good one at that... nearly 14 hours of overtime plus my Christmas bonus and regular pay of course. I hope that eases some troubles... at least I'll be able to buy food! I'm sick of eating the same stuff every day.
Christmas is dreadful. Each year I say I'll be prepared well in advance, and each year I fail to do so. I have yet to buy a single gift - doomed.
And then there's relationships. Should I even get started on this subject? Family relationships are ... iffy these days to say the least. My dad has issues arising from the fact that my brother and I do not treat our step mom as though she was our real mom - or at least that's how we both see it. He flipped out that we didn't call on her birthday, then states that "it's not just this last year - it's been the last several years that you two have been this way." Yes I'll admit I'm not the picture perfect child, I don't care about their lives so much, but with reason. We have a very rough history, my dad and I that is. I lived with him and my step mom for all of three months when I first turned 18, and then was kicked out because I didn't live up to their ideals of who I was. So fuck that. Why should I care about a birthday which means nothing to me?
Then there's my boyfriend... I just don't know if he even cares anymore. This entire weekend I don't think we had a single conversation which spanned more than five sentances. He feels so distant. Wait, feels? Is, that's more like it. His friends all say he loves me and is totally loyal, and I know they wouldn't lie to me seeing as I've known them longer than he has. His family says I'm the best thing that could have happened to him. But who's to say they don't know what's really going on? What's a girl to do? Does time apart make the heart grow fonder, or would time apart only distance us more? Anyone have any thoughts on this? I don't want to lose him, but if there's nothing left to regain, what's the point?
As per the usual I'm not sleeping again. My insomnia is running wild. I hate laying in bed - tired - but wide awake, thinking about pointless little things which I normally would never think of throughout the course of the day. I think it's time for a new brain. Perhaps it's the winter blues striking early this year... I don't know. Either way I'm really unhappy in genereal of late, and I don't know how to fix it.
Typing this all out has kind of cleared my head for the time being - it's a miracle. I wish it was as easy to talk to the people involved in these feelings I'm having as it is to type them out to strangers.
I <3 strangers.
OH one good thing before I end this sorrow filled entry - I have chocolate.
One major factor is money right now... I'm so broke. For the past two week I've had about 1 dollar to my name. I can't afford food or anything, and I have a cat that may need a visit to the vet. Fortunately Friday is pay day, and it should be a good one at that... nearly 14 hours of overtime plus my Christmas bonus and regular pay of course. I hope that eases some troubles... at least I'll be able to buy food! I'm sick of eating the same stuff every day.
Christmas is dreadful. Each year I say I'll be prepared well in advance, and each year I fail to do so. I have yet to buy a single gift - doomed.
And then there's relationships. Should I even get started on this subject? Family relationships are ... iffy these days to say the least. My dad has issues arising from the fact that my brother and I do not treat our step mom as though she was our real mom - or at least that's how we both see it. He flipped out that we didn't call on her birthday, then states that "it's not just this last year - it's been the last several years that you two have been this way." Yes I'll admit I'm not the picture perfect child, I don't care about their lives so much, but with reason. We have a very rough history, my dad and I that is. I lived with him and my step mom for all of three months when I first turned 18, and then was kicked out because I didn't live up to their ideals of who I was. So fuck that. Why should I care about a birthday which means nothing to me?
Then there's my boyfriend... I just don't know if he even cares anymore. This entire weekend I don't think we had a single conversation which spanned more than five sentances. He feels so distant. Wait, feels? Is, that's more like it. His friends all say he loves me and is totally loyal, and I know they wouldn't lie to me seeing as I've known them longer than he has. His family says I'm the best thing that could have happened to him. But who's to say they don't know what's really going on? What's a girl to do? Does time apart make the heart grow fonder, or would time apart only distance us more? Anyone have any thoughts on this? I don't want to lose him, but if there's nothing left to regain, what's the point?
As per the usual I'm not sleeping again. My insomnia is running wild. I hate laying in bed - tired - but wide awake, thinking about pointless little things which I normally would never think of throughout the course of the day. I think it's time for a new brain. Perhaps it's the winter blues striking early this year... I don't know. Either way I'm really unhappy in genereal of late, and I don't know how to fix it.
Typing this all out has kind of cleared my head for the time being - it's a miracle. I wish it was as easy to talk to the people involved in these feelings I'm having as it is to type them out to strangers.
I <3 strangers.
OH one good thing before I end this sorrow filled entry - I have chocolate.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
anyway. sorry to see that your having family problems, as well as relationship problems. if you knew me you would know why i ain't touching the subject. i am just not the right person to answer that. all i can say is that what is gonna happen is gonna happen and you ain't gonna expect the result. just sit back and ride the waves and try not to get pulled under if it knocks you down...
i hope that your month gets better. later lass.