existentialblues

oy, here i am again lost in my head with a keyboard and an empty box........that little cursor is evil, the way it blinks at me. it takes abite out my heart everytime it does, because i have so much to say, but nothing comes to mind. you would think i would be better at this, i got the brown eyes, so i should be good at spewing the shit forth. huh, thats what we get for thinking. things are so crazy. i need to do something, go somewhere. but i dont know what i want to do, or where i want to go. thats strange because ive always been able to say i wish i was here or there, ive always wanted to be anywhere but where i am, and i always knew where i wanted to be instead. but not today, not for a while now. i just want to be somewhere. jesus....ive been sitting here for thirty minutes now, staring at this screen, trying to figure out what it is i need to say. what a waste. what the fuck do i do now. what do i do with myself. what should i do with my life. i dont even think i have what you could call a life.
ok fuck this, ive been here for more than an hour now, and all i can say is this. i miss myself......i shoulda never took my eyes off that guy, cause i dont know if i will ever see him again. so fuck it, im gonna lay down and stare at the ceiling, and hope all the thoughts and all the feelings dont come back until im already asleep and dreaming. i dont remember my dreams anymore so i might as well let all the pain come back then. at least i wont have to remember dealing with it.