Yep, I'm tired and stressed. I have a ton to get done and no motivation to do it. It sucks kind of alot. I'm not used to being this unmotivated. I just want to sleep until I wake up and that's not an option at all. It's not that I didn't get enough sleep last night or the day before, because I did, I just ... I just don't know.
Is it bad that I feel sooooo desperately unprepared for my Chemistry final that I gave up on studying? It's like no matter how much I shove in my brain, I'm never going to get it, so why even bother? I studied 10 and a half fucking hours for the last test and all I could manage was a freaking 74. The average was 75, so that's not terrible, but I want to do better so badly. Grr! I hate Dudek, he makes me feel stupid.
The only other exam I have to study for is Criminology and I'm kinda thinking I don't want to so much. We have three hours to take it and it's open book / open note. If I just skim the chapters and pick out the most important stuff, I should be able to do fin on that.
My Experimental Design paper has me stressed more than I want to admit. I don't even know where to start or what I want to say. I know what we found and I know what it implies, but I don't really care enough to write something magnificent. Besides, it's hard to interpret our data. Grr!
Africana Studies has a paper due Thursday so I will have time to work on it Tuesday night at work since I don't have anything else due and then Wednesday after my doctor's appointments at home. Cori agreed to turn it in for me on Thursday since I go home at the butt crack of dawn on Wednesday. This I am less stressed about, but unmotivated to write and struggling to figure out what I want to say for 10 pages.
On top of this, I really need to clean, pack, and sleep. I'm so exhausted that I can't even breathe. And, this might seem silly to you all, but it matters to me, that message I had for Steve to decode read "Hi Steve. I just wanted to tell you that I love you. Surprised?" He decoded it and I know this because he send it to me, but he has otherwise completely not aknowledged it, taking it as far to not even ask for his "prize" and acting confused when Dana mentioned it. This is moderately upsetting because I put myself out on a very slippery limb here. I haven't loved anyone in two years and in the end, I was hurt (all is forgiven as far as I'm concerned now, but that doesn't change that fact) and I'm afraid to go there again. I know it's hard for Steve, I know he's been burned pretty terribly in the past and had a hard time even verbalizig to me that he liked me, but this is different. I've proven that I don't intend to turn around and walk away now and I'm not just stringing him on and he treats me like I am. He's been REALLY moody these last couple days too. He's trying to blame it on the stress of exams, but he's been stressed about that longer than he's been moody. The moodiness started the day after he found out. I can't help but think he's putting up defenses to push me away so he doesn't get hurt, but damn it Steve, that's the last thing I want to do. And at the same time he's pushing me away, he's reaching out to me to cuddle and be near him physically more than normal; the more smiles I catch on his face; the more I notice him just watching me; the more I catch him playing with my hair and doing that hair sniffy thing; and the more I can read it all over his face and in his eyes, but he's being a freaking poopy head. I don't know. It's a wee bit emotionally trying because I don't know what to do or say to really get through to him on this one: I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. I LOVE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU. I LOVE SLEEPING WITH YOU. I LOVE HUGGING, KISSING, AND CUDDLING YOU. I LOVE JOKING AROUND WITH YOU. I LOVE TALKING WITH YOU. I LOVE HANGING OUT WITH OUR FRIEND'S TOGETHER. I LOVE THE WAY YOU LOOK. I LOVE THE WAY YOU ARE THE BIGGEST DORK I KNOW. I LOVE THE WAY YOU SEEM TO WANT TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH ME AS I WANT TO SPEND WITH YOU. I LOVE YOU! I haven't been able to just tell him out loud in the moment that I love him because I'm afraid, so fucking afraid. He doesn't have to say it right back, but what if it fucks up what we have?
Wow, sorry for the emotional diarrhea there. I needed to get that out, I think, to help me study. Anyways, I'm gonna get back to doing that now.
Is it bad that I feel sooooo desperately unprepared for my Chemistry final that I gave up on studying? It's like no matter how much I shove in my brain, I'm never going to get it, so why even bother? I studied 10 and a half fucking hours for the last test and all I could manage was a freaking 74. The average was 75, so that's not terrible, but I want to do better so badly. Grr! I hate Dudek, he makes me feel stupid.
The only other exam I have to study for is Criminology and I'm kinda thinking I don't want to so much. We have three hours to take it and it's open book / open note. If I just skim the chapters and pick out the most important stuff, I should be able to do fin on that.
My Experimental Design paper has me stressed more than I want to admit. I don't even know where to start or what I want to say. I know what we found and I know what it implies, but I don't really care enough to write something magnificent. Besides, it's hard to interpret our data. Grr!
Africana Studies has a paper due Thursday so I will have time to work on it Tuesday night at work since I don't have anything else due and then Wednesday after my doctor's appointments at home. Cori agreed to turn it in for me on Thursday since I go home at the butt crack of dawn on Wednesday. This I am less stressed about, but unmotivated to write and struggling to figure out what I want to say for 10 pages.
On top of this, I really need to clean, pack, and sleep. I'm so exhausted that I can't even breathe. And, this might seem silly to you all, but it matters to me, that message I had for Steve to decode read "Hi Steve. I just wanted to tell you that I love you. Surprised?" He decoded it and I know this because he send it to me, but he has otherwise completely not aknowledged it, taking it as far to not even ask for his "prize" and acting confused when Dana mentioned it. This is moderately upsetting because I put myself out on a very slippery limb here. I haven't loved anyone in two years and in the end, I was hurt (all is forgiven as far as I'm concerned now, but that doesn't change that fact) and I'm afraid to go there again. I know it's hard for Steve, I know he's been burned pretty terribly in the past and had a hard time even verbalizig to me that he liked me, but this is different. I've proven that I don't intend to turn around and walk away now and I'm not just stringing him on and he treats me like I am. He's been REALLY moody these last couple days too. He's trying to blame it on the stress of exams, but he's been stressed about that longer than he's been moody. The moodiness started the day after he found out. I can't help but think he's putting up defenses to push me away so he doesn't get hurt, but damn it Steve, that's the last thing I want to do. And at the same time he's pushing me away, he's reaching out to me to cuddle and be near him physically more than normal; the more smiles I catch on his face; the more I notice him just watching me; the more I catch him playing with my hair and doing that hair sniffy thing; and the more I can read it all over his face and in his eyes, but he's being a freaking poopy head. I don't know. It's a wee bit emotionally trying because I don't know what to do or say to really get through to him on this one: I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. I LOVE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU. I LOVE SLEEPING WITH YOU. I LOVE HUGGING, KISSING, AND CUDDLING YOU. I LOVE JOKING AROUND WITH YOU. I LOVE TALKING WITH YOU. I LOVE HANGING OUT WITH OUR FRIEND'S TOGETHER. I LOVE THE WAY YOU LOOK. I LOVE THE WAY YOU ARE THE BIGGEST DORK I KNOW. I LOVE THE WAY YOU SEEM TO WANT TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH ME AS I WANT TO SPEND WITH YOU. I LOVE YOU! I haven't been able to just tell him out loud in the moment that I love him because I'm afraid, so fucking afraid. He doesn't have to say it right back, but what if it fucks up what we have?
Wow, sorry for the emotional diarrhea there. I needed to get that out, I think, to help me study. Anyways, I'm gonna get back to doing that now.
i know the feeling
best wishes
-hugs-
heh relax you arent doing as bad as you think i think? -shrug-