evereffervescent

wishing everyone a lovely holiday..mine went nicely until friday morning. i should've just stayed in bed..it's interesting that i'mcomingoutof my submissive shell with my family. usually i'd just sit quietly and take their insults and jabs, but not this year. frankly i'm getting too old for that shit. a few months back my mother and i had a bit of a falling out. during my lunch break at work of all times, she told me that she didn't want a relationship with me any longer, that she simply wanted a superficial fluff show relationship and that she didn't want to know any details about my life. that came as quite a blow to me and for the past few months i've been feeling as if i've lost my mother, almost as if she's dead. when i call their house, the phone rings a few times and then my father will answer,as if they check the caller id, see it's me calling and he screens the calls. when we've seen each other, she's very distant, curt and abrupt. it really sucks because for years we were at odds and had a completely disfunctional relationship and over the past year or so we'd started to get something going again...anyway, through lack of communication and the fact that we're both nuts, things have gotten steadily worse for me, especially with the approaching holiday's. things came to a head this morning when she made allusions to her asumption that i'm some kind of raging alcoholic..which may have been true 5 years ago but doesn't hold water today (i've got much bigger demons now) well i just about snapped today saying that people change yada yada..and she retorts (right in front of my brother in law) "well i'm not the one who was in rehab for drug abuse!" oh my god i could have died. there was no use in defending myself, it was true, they did send me away when i was like 17 but for the love of god, to bring that up at thanksgiving weekend?! i went upstairs, finished my breakfast and started to pack my things. after my first load of crap to the car, she stopped me and appologized and said that i didn't need to go. i exploded holding back tears, "no i really do, i'm going to a place where people believe that people can change, which is anywhere but here!" (my comebacks have gotten better over the years..) soon we got into this long painful drawn out conversation about what i was upset about. for me it was an accumulation of everything over the past few months, and for her everything i was saying was coming completely out of left field. two hours later through many social worker-esque affirmations of my feelings (did i mention my mother is a middle school social worker) i managed to get the hell out of there. hopefully christmas will be better. maybe i've guilted them into some cool presents! i think i'm getting contacts this year which is pretty kick ass. this is rediculously long today. harry potter was cool, went a bit fast though but i liked it. going through relationship stuff on top of everything else. it seems i've lost my sex drive ::gasps:: needless to say my guy isn't too thrilled, considering it's certainly not what he's accustomed to with me. IT'S NOT MY FAULT!! I swear. So much stress in my life. Getting beligerent this weekend, don't have to work until monday so i started early this afternoon. 1400 of the white stuff..crap i better pace myself..not all for me, really...yeah, not all for me.. So question for anyone that gets this far..article isn't allowed to answer. my boyfriend is an awesome photographer and is really good in the erotic category. we've shot stuff for our personal use,but he's also shot another woman (younger than me by the way) I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I don't want to deny him his creative outlet. i've already kind of "banned" him from shooting other girls, but he still has these shoots that are beginning to be posted on SG.I saw one the other day and it really bugged me out. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. We've talked about it and he's reassured me about what happened and what didn't happen. From what I've heard and want to believe to be true, nothing happened..so why am I so bugged out by pictures he took of another woman. When I look at them, I can see that there isn't a connection or sexual energy, at least in the ones that i could punish myself to look at. I haven't seen all the sets nor do i know exactly how many were done. I guess I have a major "what if" kind of reservation, or residual doubt over what actually occured, after all, these photo shoots took place both in our home and at a particularly significant vacation spot we went to in our early days (at least particularly significant to me) In all instances I found out about it after the fact, at least one occuring after we talked about it and I had expressed my freaked-out-ness,but apparently not clearly enough. I have been unfaithful to my man on a few heartwrenching occasions, and so my querry is this: should I chalk up these photo sessions as some sort of playing field leveling crow eating sort of thing, or do i have legitimate qualms over the situation. I don't want it to be an issue for us, but it's still in the back of my mind..every now and then. ah, I feel better now that i've gotten that off my chest