everafter

Have you ever heard of the butterfly effect? The idea that one single small action can change the course of history? I am sitting here tonight, thinking of my life and all that has happened in it. I wonder what small action could have changed it all. Would it have been somthing in my lifetime? My mothers, my grandfathers? Perhaps the answer lies somewhere else. Where did this cycle of pain begin. How many generations of abuse has my family withstood? Did the perversions of someone 200 years ago, 500 years ago, or more begin this? I've stopped asking why. Why did I deserve this? Why me and not someone else? I didn't deserve it and it was me because maybe someone else could not have handled it. But in how many ways would my life be different if that single action had not occured. How much less pain would I have. Would I have less pain? Could anything have stopped it? Was I destined to be hurt? Will the hurt continue? What kind of future will I have? Pain? Happiness? Failure? Success? Love? Lonliness? I don't expect an answer to these questions. Its only the wandering ramblings of my mind...