evel

it occured to me that, after last weeks distressed entery, i should probably follow up on what i wrote to satisfy who ever might be curious about the out come, & clear the air for the other person involved.
last friday night everything finally exploded, & all the things i knew i felt were being kept from me were brought to light. in one respect, all my fears & anxieties over the past 9 months were completley fucking right. there was something pretty huge that he was hiding from, & lying about to me. and although the truth behind all the bullshit was something more than able to alter & damage my trust in him, it wasn't what i had started to think it was.
i know now that he wasn't seeing, or sleeping w/ some one else, even though he admitted to seeing why i was thinking that way. i know i have trust issues w/ men, but i belive him when he says he has been faithful, & i also understand (but still don't agree or condone) his reasons for why he did the things he did.
ironic as it seems, when he opened his mouth & told me the whole no bullshit story, i was more calm & at peace than i've been for months. i couldn't belive i wasn't screaming, or even raising my voice. i guess i was so relieved to be out from under the weight fear & the unknown. we talked more comfortably than we have in a long time.
but the fact that i feel deceived & confused remains. i'm still here, but haven't made a definite decision about our relationship yet. i have alot of shit to resolve in my head first, & even more to resolve w/ him after that. i guess the one thing i need to try & decide is if this is something really worth saving, & if we (especially me) can repair the damage done to the trust that was between us.
there's still so much love here. as fucking cynical & jaded as i am, even i can clearly see it. i'm just so afraid to try & work through this, only to end up unable to repair the damage done. not only would it be the end, but we both would have to walk way w/ what i'm sure would be much less love left than there is now. does that make sense?
i just need to be alone inside my head for as long as it takes to sort this shit out.
i apologize for being so vague as to what actually happened, but i am trying so fucking hard to express my feelings, but also to respect his @ the same time since he hangs out here, too. but i had to try & get out a little of what i'm going through, & to try & save keep him from being labeled the sterotypical male cheater when that is not the case.
strange as it may sound, a small part of me almost wishes that it were. at least that way my thoughts would be clear & my decision would be easy to make. i know how to deal w/ a cheater, but this situation is brand new to me...
if i smoke any more cigarettes camel will have to just hand me a share of their company for the most packs purchased by one single human being ever. stress will give me cancer one day.