Am I seriously thinking about becoming a cage fighter?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not kidding myself here. I'm a LOOOOOONG way off being even a little bit ready to step into a ring or octagon, but I can't help feeling that I'd be bloody good at it.
I'm a big guy, at this time in my life, I'm the biggest I've ever been. I have, for the first time in my life, seen myself as fat.
The other day, I trimmed my beard. Shorter than usual. Pretty much a No.1 for those familiar with Clipper heads. Once I had shed the said beard, what I was left with was a hairy mass of fatty skin (my chin) that I couldn't hide anyway I turned or arched my head. What made worse was walking out of the bathroom, where to my right is a picture of me maybe 7-8 years ago where I was slim.
Repulsed is not the word.
What gets me the most is how unfit I am. It's been something that I've been dealing with for a while. I've been wanting to start Snowboard (First lesson down), playing Airsoft (One game away from my membership) and generally do things that all revolve around one thing.
Money.
This is something I need to get over. I need to get a move on and improve my diet. I need to do things like take more walks, start exercising...even just in my room. I plan to get a wee weight set too. Just generally do things that'll get me active and once I've moved out, sorted out my money etc, I can look into getting into these things "full time".
It's been very humbling, becoming the guy who chaffs when walking on a warm day...the guy who'll sweat at the smallest sign of warmth...the guy who can walk pretty far for a guy his size, but will feel knackered, not like he used to.
A lot of it, I presume, has to do with my job. My past 3-4 jobs have involved working at a PC. A.k.a, sitting on my arse.
When I think back, I was walking home from school, which was a good 45mins to an hours walk, and if I'm honest, sure it wasn't fun when it rained, but I loved it. It kept me fit, because it was pretty much the only exercise I would do. I then got jobs in restaurants, whether it was waiting or as a chef, I was always on my feet, busy as hell, moving all the time. Another reason I think, that I must change my job.
I miss my strength too. I mean my legs start to pang when I walk up stairs for fuck sake.
I really don't like it. Being bothered about my size. The state of my skin (because it does fucking change). My fitness.
Fitness was always the biggy for me, as I was never really bothered about how big I was, I was just content in knowing that I'd lose it when I got fitter. I suppose the same applies, but I now have more to work off.
I sort of envy those fuckers who can eat anything they want and not gain a pound.
Anyway, I've been told over and over that I'm being too hard on myself...which, to an extent, I agree with. However, no one can change these things apart from me. Some can help, but they can't do it for me.
So, to summerise, I've come up with a list of things that I need to sort out. (Not in any sense of order, apart from the first two I suppose)
1. Sort out my money problems. This will sort it's self out in all honesty, but I'm fed up of waiting, so I am paying more into things than the minimum payment to speed up the process. All in all, flat depending, I should be debt free within 6-8 months.
2. Moving out. This has also been stepped up, as Sarah and I are beyond the point of no return when it comes to wanting to do so. It's a joke how much I want to get away from my family, who only want to help. I put it down to the natural need of wanting my own space. Anyway, things are improving, but Sarah and I are really none the wiser on what it really costs for certain things. We have inklings, but if anyone out there can give us a list with a general low-down of bills etc for the Glasgow area, I would very much appreciate it. It would give us an idea on things like Rental Agreement Fees as well, which is something we didn't bank on having to pay.
3. Lose weight/Get fit. By just doing things. Spend less (See No.1) on eating out and buying random crap (sweets etc). Better my diet and just being more active. I plan on starting training once I've moved out. 1-2 classes a week for kick-boxing, then I'll step it up and get fighting. Once I've learnt how to snowboard, I'll be doing that too. Airsoft as well. As Airsoft and snowboard are both quite expensive until you have your own gear, I'll be saving once I'm in the position to do so.
4. Change/Improve Job. Recently I've had a breath of fresh air when it comes to my job. I think if things work out with HR (I should find out in a couple of days), then I reckon I'll work my ass off for a few months and actually get to a point where I feel good. It's not a bad job. I've started badly. I should have done things differently, but when I know what I'm doing and I see the impact of my work take effect, I dare say it makes me feel good about it.
It's strange, because of all the shit above, I just haven't been feeling like myself recently. At one point, I was thinking about shaving my head, removing my piercings and getting laser eye surgery so I didn't need to wear glasses anymore. The more I think about it, it's something that I'm more willing to do...the eye surgery I mean.
I've had a couple of my friends that have had it done, and they say nothing but amazing things about it.
It would just be nice, not having to worry about my glasses falling off at gigs, having to replace them when I need to etc.
It's the first time since I got them, nearly 3 years ago, that they have bothered me and about the way I look with them. I don't look bad with them on...I would just prefer not having to wear them. Shaving my head has more to do with being too hot (those with thick hair will get my point here) and being able to fight (No long hair or piercings etc). Anyway, besides the point.
It feels like the only thing I don't want to change in my life right now is my relationship with Sarah. Fuck knows how she's put up being with me for nearly 2 years now. I've been moaning for months, showing no sort of ambition to actually better myself or my life style, but despite that, she's still there and she's been there all this time. It's taken a while for me to realise that I can talk to her, no matter what it's about, no matter how many times I've already said it...
I have no idea what she's thinking after her overweight, unfit, moaning boyfriend has mentioned his will to step into a ring wear he could be bruised, cut, KO'd or concussed. Hell, it's been known for worse than that to happen.
I thank her for sticking around. "Investing" her time for what has made me a better man because of her. I love her. I can't wait to live with her and I can only hope she doesn't find anyone better.
I'm unsure of who said it, but a quote that I hold dear goes as follows...
"You might fall in love with someone else tomorrow, but I'll still love you..."
Breaks my heart a little bit, but I think it points across that I don't take her for granted in any shape or form.
I'm a lucky guy when it comes down to what REALLY matters.
I'm healthy, I'm well off. I'm not struggling. Things could be a lot worse.
I've been very melodramatic (As per fucking usual) in this blog, and I need to think about how lucky I am instead of feeling green, wanting things that I don't really need and just chill the fuck out in general.
So here ends the rambling. If you've read all of that, you're braver than I am.
I'm going to end my blog with my current list of things I'd like to do before I die (Work in progress). So here goes nothing...
1. Become a cage fighter.
2. Write/Direct/Star in a PROPER lightsabre battle mini-movie.
3. Write and possibly draw/ink/colour my own graphic novel.
4. Be in a band, play at least one gig and release a demo.
5. Sell a piece of art for over 250. (This is relative. If I succeed, the next will need to sell for more)
6. Own an MGB GT.
7. Travel around the world. I want to experience the proper experience of losing touch with time.
8. Break a world record. I'm not sure which one just yet.
9. Build my own home.
10. Discover a new species.
Give me your thoughts, on the list and the rest, if you do wish it so.
It'll be interesting to see what people think in all honesty.
I highly expect Lewis to comment "Fag" and nothing else. Maybe an exclamation mark. Maybe the pirate emote. Ah well, I love him anyway. Fag.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not kidding myself here. I'm a LOOOOOONG way off being even a little bit ready to step into a ring or octagon, but I can't help feeling that I'd be bloody good at it.
I'm a big guy, at this time in my life, I'm the biggest I've ever been. I have, for the first time in my life, seen myself as fat.
The other day, I trimmed my beard. Shorter than usual. Pretty much a No.1 for those familiar with Clipper heads. Once I had shed the said beard, what I was left with was a hairy mass of fatty skin (my chin) that I couldn't hide anyway I turned or arched my head. What made worse was walking out of the bathroom, where to my right is a picture of me maybe 7-8 years ago where I was slim.
Repulsed is not the word.
What gets me the most is how unfit I am. It's been something that I've been dealing with for a while. I've been wanting to start Snowboard (First lesson down), playing Airsoft (One game away from my membership) and generally do things that all revolve around one thing.
Money.
This is something I need to get over. I need to get a move on and improve my diet. I need to do things like take more walks, start exercising...even just in my room. I plan to get a wee weight set too. Just generally do things that'll get me active and once I've moved out, sorted out my money etc, I can look into getting into these things "full time".
It's been very humbling, becoming the guy who chaffs when walking on a warm day...the guy who'll sweat at the smallest sign of warmth...the guy who can walk pretty far for a guy his size, but will feel knackered, not like he used to.
A lot of it, I presume, has to do with my job. My past 3-4 jobs have involved working at a PC. A.k.a, sitting on my arse.
When I think back, I was walking home from school, which was a good 45mins to an hours walk, and if I'm honest, sure it wasn't fun when it rained, but I loved it. It kept me fit, because it was pretty much the only exercise I would do. I then got jobs in restaurants, whether it was waiting or as a chef, I was always on my feet, busy as hell, moving all the time. Another reason I think, that I must change my job.
I miss my strength too. I mean my legs start to pang when I walk up stairs for fuck sake.
I really don't like it. Being bothered about my size. The state of my skin (because it does fucking change). My fitness.
Fitness was always the biggy for me, as I was never really bothered about how big I was, I was just content in knowing that I'd lose it when I got fitter. I suppose the same applies, but I now have more to work off.
I sort of envy those fuckers who can eat anything they want and not gain a pound.
Anyway, I've been told over and over that I'm being too hard on myself...which, to an extent, I agree with. However, no one can change these things apart from me. Some can help, but they can't do it for me.
So, to summerise, I've come up with a list of things that I need to sort out. (Not in any sense of order, apart from the first two I suppose)
1. Sort out my money problems. This will sort it's self out in all honesty, but I'm fed up of waiting, so I am paying more into things than the minimum payment to speed up the process. All in all, flat depending, I should be debt free within 6-8 months.
2. Moving out. This has also been stepped up, as Sarah and I are beyond the point of no return when it comes to wanting to do so. It's a joke how much I want to get away from my family, who only want to help. I put it down to the natural need of wanting my own space. Anyway, things are improving, but Sarah and I are really none the wiser on what it really costs for certain things. We have inklings, but if anyone out there can give us a list with a general low-down of bills etc for the Glasgow area, I would very much appreciate it. It would give us an idea on things like Rental Agreement Fees as well, which is something we didn't bank on having to pay.
3. Lose weight/Get fit. By just doing things. Spend less (See No.1) on eating out and buying random crap (sweets etc). Better my diet and just being more active. I plan on starting training once I've moved out. 1-2 classes a week for kick-boxing, then I'll step it up and get fighting. Once I've learnt how to snowboard, I'll be doing that too. Airsoft as well. As Airsoft and snowboard are both quite expensive until you have your own gear, I'll be saving once I'm in the position to do so.
4. Change/Improve Job. Recently I've had a breath of fresh air when it comes to my job. I think if things work out with HR (I should find out in a couple of days), then I reckon I'll work my ass off for a few months and actually get to a point where I feel good. It's not a bad job. I've started badly. I should have done things differently, but when I know what I'm doing and I see the impact of my work take effect, I dare say it makes me feel good about it.
It's strange, because of all the shit above, I just haven't been feeling like myself recently. At one point, I was thinking about shaving my head, removing my piercings and getting laser eye surgery so I didn't need to wear glasses anymore. The more I think about it, it's something that I'm more willing to do...the eye surgery I mean.
I've had a couple of my friends that have had it done, and they say nothing but amazing things about it.
It would just be nice, not having to worry about my glasses falling off at gigs, having to replace them when I need to etc.
It's the first time since I got them, nearly 3 years ago, that they have bothered me and about the way I look with them. I don't look bad with them on...I would just prefer not having to wear them. Shaving my head has more to do with being too hot (those with thick hair will get my point here) and being able to fight (No long hair or piercings etc). Anyway, besides the point.
It feels like the only thing I don't want to change in my life right now is my relationship with Sarah. Fuck knows how she's put up being with me for nearly 2 years now. I've been moaning for months, showing no sort of ambition to actually better myself or my life style, but despite that, she's still there and she's been there all this time. It's taken a while for me to realise that I can talk to her, no matter what it's about, no matter how many times I've already said it...
I have no idea what she's thinking after her overweight, unfit, moaning boyfriend has mentioned his will to step into a ring wear he could be bruised, cut, KO'd or concussed. Hell, it's been known for worse than that to happen.
I thank her for sticking around. "Investing" her time for what has made me a better man because of her. I love her. I can't wait to live with her and I can only hope she doesn't find anyone better.
I'm unsure of who said it, but a quote that I hold dear goes as follows...
"You might fall in love with someone else tomorrow, but I'll still love you..."
Breaks my heart a little bit, but I think it points across that I don't take her for granted in any shape or form.
I'm a lucky guy when it comes down to what REALLY matters.
I'm healthy, I'm well off. I'm not struggling. Things could be a lot worse.
I've been very melodramatic (As per fucking usual) in this blog, and I need to think about how lucky I am instead of feeling green, wanting things that I don't really need and just chill the fuck out in general.
So here ends the rambling. If you've read all of that, you're braver than I am.
I'm going to end my blog with my current list of things I'd like to do before I die (Work in progress). So here goes nothing...
1. Become a cage fighter.
2. Write/Direct/Star in a PROPER lightsabre battle mini-movie.
3. Write and possibly draw/ink/colour my own graphic novel.
4. Be in a band, play at least one gig and release a demo.
5. Sell a piece of art for over 250. (This is relative. If I succeed, the next will need to sell for more)
6. Own an MGB GT.
7. Travel around the world. I want to experience the proper experience of losing touch with time.
8. Break a world record. I'm not sure which one just yet.
9. Build my own home.
10. Discover a new species.
Give me your thoughts, on the list and the rest, if you do wish it so.
It'll be interesting to see what people think in all honesty.
I highly expect Lewis to comment "Fag" and nothing else. Maybe an exclamation mark. Maybe the pirate emote. Ah well, I love him anyway. Fag.
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How goes the 'new you' routine?