evangeline

oh man.

Today has been cool/shitty. Tomorrow i have my trial for my DWI from sixmonths ago. Sometimes, i really hate Texas.

Other times, like every other time, i really love Texas. I love Austin. Even when i'm poor- like now. I am working at Perfect Ten tonight to hopefully counteract this poorness.

I feel so stagnant and hopeless. I feel like i need to grow a proactive fucking backbone if i ever want to progress and not sell breathable shoes for the rest of my life. I want to write. I wrote an entire webtv series, one that would be perfect for sg. But suddenly i'm way too intimidated to take the steps towards...well anything.

I have a set idea for the self shot contest, but i need some money to do it and i need to not be so intimidated about submitting it. I need to think straight.

On the upside, the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me actually happened last night. It tops the previous amazing story- both of which i will gladly share with you now.

FORMERLY REIGNING MOST HUMILIATING MOMENT

When i first started stripping i was really slef-conscious about my razorburn. Someone told me it would go away if i started waxing, so i asked the little Korean woman who usually did my nails to give me a brazilian.

She leads me to a tiny room with what looks like an old ob/gyn patient table. One wall is floor to ceiling mirror. She instructs me to take off my pants. I do.

'No, take off your underwear too, silly.'

I do. I lay on the table and regretfully catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, laying on a tbale with a shirt, nare-ass, and mismatched sockas and tennis shoes. I already feel ridiculous.

She sits down adn pulls a device up to my vagina that is somthing like a giant magnifying glass with a mirror and starts waxing. The pain wasn't too bad. Then she sits down and starts tweezing. I mean, like going to town. And she had no scruples about where she rested her fingers. I squeeze my eyes shut so i don't accidentally get my reflection.

'You do this for your husband?'

'What? No.' How do i tell this 50 year old Korean woman i do this for the titty bar?

A lot of time passes. I start to think something has gone wrong. Maybe it just feels like a million hours because its so awkward. Just when i think i'm going to bolt she rolls back in her chair, sighs, and looks at me.

'Sorry it take me long time, but you see- your hair, like TWO HAIR normal girl!'

oh god.


That was pretty bad, right? Well last night topped it.

Russell and i are exchanging...um...oral favors. After he's done i feel nice and relaxed and wonderful. Then i notice him patting the couch.

'What are you doing?'

'I had some gum earlier.'

'You're joking! WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE IT OUT??'

'I forgot.'

I pat around on the couch. I knew i felt kinda tingly. Then i feel it. It has lodged itself in my ass, completing cementing my cheeks together.

I run to the bathroom and spend the next 20 minutes scrubbing it out with shampoo and various other lotions/soaps. I have to hike one leg up on the counter and stare at my own asshole in the mirror. There are still white flecks i can't quite get off.

'What the hell were you thinking?'

HEy. It could have been worse. A) i could have had pubic hair or b) i could have had to shit and it would have been stuck inside until i exploded.

Maybe if i had needed to fart it would have blown a bubble.

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