evangelin

My phone rang this morning, I was sitting right next to it listening to meditation with my headphones on. When I noticed it was my dad I knew something was up, somehow I dismissed the thought of my grandmother like I just j new she was fine. So odd not to have caught that call but a silent whisper on my text no matter how late, dead asleep I hear my beloved reaching out to me. I wish there were no oceans or others between us, I wish i could lay my head on his lap right now, no words needed, just cry myself into a peaceful sleep...


My uncle was such a character NO! An enigma.
He was a radio host when I was younger for a popular radio station in the area= The black butterfly .....as a child I remember going to museums and listening to jazz in his car. he was very distinguished, almost an air of arrogance. The first time I saw his humility was when my cousin died. He was early 20's, we worked together. Jason was his only child from one of many failed relationships.That was really bad, really bad..

The second time I saw his humility was this December past. We buried his sister, my aunt. She called my dad to see if she should go to a doctor or hospital, then she called my uncle to ask which hospital, he drove over, picked her up. She stopped because she had to put the trash out before leaving!!! I wondered if she knew it would be the last time? They shared jokes ( they always had jokes and laughs) and then she was just- gone. no warning. Ever since he was just ...different. Tired.

I am not sad for him- he is free and so full of love. I don't even fear death for myself. I do wonder if he knew it was coming for him. an early morning heart attack in an otherwise healthy man. i do wonder if it was simply a broken heart. No - i don't ache for him, I ache for my family. I ache for my grandmother to bury another child in less than a year. She's outlived all of her siblings, her husband...no parent should ever have to bury a child! She seems ok. 96 and spunky. Looks can be very deceiving. My dad? He adopted me when he married my mother. I was about 7. His family, my family has always loved and accepted me...I ache for him. I despise that he had to tell me that, it hurt to hear his voice crack when I asked what happened, trying to stay centered and strong. My aunt I didn't talk to- I couldn't I just didn't have the words. My heart hurts for them.

I think I want to read this at the service. I feel like my family needs to hear it:

The Beauty of Death XIV Part One - The Calling
Let me sleep, for my soul is intoxicated with love and Let me rest, for my spirit has had its bounty of days and nights; Light the candles and burn the incense around my bed, and Scatter leaves of jasmine and roses over my body; Embalm my hair with frankincense and sprinkle my feet with perfume, And read what the hand of Death has written on my forehead. Let me rest in the arms of Slumber, for my open eyes are tired; Let the silver-stringed lyre quiver and soothe my spirit; Weave from the harp and lute a veil around my withering heart. Sing of the past as you behold the dawn of hope in my eyes, for It's magic meaning is a soft bed upon which my heart rests. Dry your tears, my friends, and raise your heads as the flowers Raise their crowns to greet the dawn. Look at the bride of Death standing like a column of light Between my bed and the infinite; Hold your breath and listen with me to the beckoning rustle of Her white wings. Come close and bid me farewell; touch my eyes with smiling lips. Let the children grasp my hands with soft and rosy fingers; Let the ages place their veined hands upon my head and bless me; Let the virgins come close and see the shadow of God in my eyes, And hear the echo of His will racing with my breath.
Part Two - The Ascending
I have passed a mountain peak and my soul is soaring in the Firmament of complete and unbound freedom; I am far, far away, my companions, and the clouds are Hiding the hills from my eyes. The valleys are becoming flooded with an ocean of silence, and the Hands of oblivion are engulfing the roads and the houses; The prairies and fields are disappearing behind a white specter That looks like the spring cloud, yellow as the candlelight And red as the twilight. The songs of the waves and the hymns of the streams Are scattered, and the voices of the throngs reduced to silence; And I can hear naught but the music of Eternity In exact harmony with the spirit's desires. I am cloaked in full whiteness; I am in comfort; I am in peace.
Part Three - The Remains
Unwrap me from this white linen shroud and clothe me With leaves of jasmine and lilies; Take my body from the ivory casket and let it rest Upon pillows of orange blossoms. Lament me not, but sing songs of youth and joy; Shed not tears upon me, but sing of harvest and the winepress; Utter no sigh of agony, but draw upon my face with your Finger the symbol of Love and Joy. Disturb not the air's tranquility with chanting and requiems, But let your hearts sing with me the song of Eternal Life; Mourn me not with apparel of black, But dress in color and rejoice with me; Talk not of my departure with sighs in your hearts; close Your eyes and you will see me with you forevermore. Place me upon clusters of leaves and Carry my upon your friendly shoulders and Walk slowly to the deserted forest. Take me not to the crowded burying ground lest my slumber Be disrupted by the rattling of bones and skulls. Carry me to the cypress woods and dig my grave where violets And poppies grow not in the other's shadow; Let my grave be deep so that the flood will not Carry my bones to the open valley; Let my grace be wide, so that the twilight shadows Will come and sit by me. Take from me all earthly raiment and place me deep in my Mother Earth; and place me with care upon my mother's breast. Cover me with soft earth, and let each handful be mixed With seeds of jasmine, lilies and myrtle; and when they Grow above me, and thrive on my body's element they will Breathe the fragrance of my heart into space; And reveal even to the sun the secret of my peace; And sail with the breeze and comfort the wayfarer. Leave me then, friends - leave me and depart on mute feet, As the silence walks in the deserted valley; Leave me to God and disperse yourselves slowly, as the almond And apple blossoms disperse under the vibration of Nisan's breeze. Go back to the joy of your dwellings and you will find there That which Death cannot remove from you and me. Leave with place, for what you see here is far away in meaning From the earthly world. Leave me. Khalil Gibran~


The past few weeks I have felt like I'm preparing to leave. Suddenly I feel the past year has been like cleaning up loose ends. I've reconnected with so many people, amazing people and I have gotten to see them through challenges and share my love with them. My family is huge- I have missed so much, all of the moves, pushing people away, them away to protect myself, I could never bear to have them see the pain I chose to deal with in that relationship. The selfishness of my early twenties. Family was shoved down my throat all my life, I guess I rebelled and wasn't as present. You can't get that back. being able to be here and celebrate holidays and just because I stopped by. being able to tell my family I love them. knowing they knew it was true in their final moments.... That's something I will forever be so grateful for!

My heart, my soul ...the void just deepens. I want my own, my world to create and I long to share all of myself and the world with that person, all of who they are and build our world- whatever that is together. I wonder if I will ever have a child or be married and really neither are a must, but that relationship with that man is. Its been my childhood dream, I will dream it still even in my last breath. I feel like everything is changing and it's out of my hands. I'm ok with that as long as this longing is quenched by the one that is the most beautiful man I've ever seen in body, Mind and Spirit. My love for him is strong enough to let him go if I must. I would do anything to see him happy. I always want peace, joy and love in his life and trust if it's not him then surely there is another for me. I miss the intimacy. I wish I could just lay in his arms and know everything is fine. It's tiring be so strong for so long all alone, but time for sleep. Tomorrow is another day. It will all be ok. It will all be ok...