"All our progress is an unfolding, like a vegetable bud. You have first an instinct, then an opinion, then a knowledge as the plant has root, bud, and fruit. Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason." Ralph Waldo Emerson~
I am looking for a really great live/work space either Downtown LA or Santa Monica. I really want a creative and open space-except the bedrooms, they need to be separate. Everything I am seeing is so .....Bleck
uninspiring
Listening to my intuition, to avoid making stupid mistakes out of fear or bad judgement calls from lack of fear has become my new obsession. Sometimes I have felt like the world was just going against me for fun, it's a sad day when you just stop in your tracks and realize you don't trust yourself, your thoughts- anything at all! I don't know where it came from but I certainly cannot go through the rest of my life feeling this way. I simply need to trust my instincts and focus my attention on me. At the end of the day I have proven unable to have close relationships and maintain my personal path. I always get sidetracked and then become bitter causing rash decisions in an attempt to regain my path and get away from what I perceive to be the enemy fucking up my life)> which leads to missed opportunities, which leads to new paths having to be created. It's like a never ending self imposed cycle. I feel like I may have finally stumbled on the cause. Guilt is a mother fucker!
The perfect brand may have manifested for me-
No fucking tenure?! WHAT???!!!! It is the longest hiring process I have ever in my life witnessed but, I was warned - panel decision. 4 managers and they supposedly do not share their thoughts until after the last interview. I have often said the Brand that I work for was of far more importance than the function, I have already proven capable of doing just about anything and promoting very quickly. This is just like a pot of gold to me. Best of all- I have never EVER applied to this brand because I really didn't understand the structure- nothing is like any other company I have ever witnessed! I find it fucking genius and a recruiter actually came after me for it!!! I'm not filling the position he wanted me for and although it may be three steps back at 1st look- it is really only two and those two steps are about to propel me TEN LEAPS forward. Although the recruiter's lack of attention to my details and his condescending tone to my desire to relocate to LA ALMOST made me Not go any further and put a really bad taste in my mouth and despite being told by others to just not tell them anything about it- I did! It was important for me to say, this is who I am and what I want. That to most was career suicide to walk in like that-But I do know what I want and where I want to be, I trusted myself because I have no room for anymore setbacks in my life. I have lost probably the most precious relationship I have ever had and I cant change that and I have to grieve it and let it go and move on from it. I love Los Angeles and I cant wait to wake up and just BE!!!
Everything now has to be about what I want and though I am still going through my little emotions and lonely and really tired of making the best of things that I really just fucking would be happier having not to deal with- it is what it is! I realize that I have really taken on a lot of guilt for losing two people, the last job and choosing it knowing I would despise it- was about saving someone and I really didn't realize that and it really is sad that I find myself fighting the urge to resent her.Once one of my closest friends and now I can just barely deal with her and find at times that I don't care for the person she is now, haven't for some time. Still I would never let anything happen to or turn my back on her.
Anyhow- that job actually bought this one to me, they know exactly what I want and are supportive so come the time I am able to Roll out to LA knowing I have about 5 locations in the area I want to be in> to choose from!
No tenure - is like fucking fight club to me! I have one more interview with the DO this Friday, I already anticipate the job is mine- how can I not when the location manager looks me in the face and tells me the job I was recruited for was filled by someone beyond over qualified for it, they just don't have anywhere else to put him and that he may be running it in another store-and that "I see you filling that position if you want it when he is settled somewhere!" I'm not interested in that. Right now I want his job- different store obviously and they all know that so they will help me get what I want and he already told me how and doesn't realize it!!!!
I am super excited and super challenged to make very quick strides with this management team and this store. That said - I have the opportunity of a lifetime and I will not fuck this up for anybody. I also have to consider that I need to stay here longer and change my goal to April 1, should fall safely after Mercury retrograde, gives me time to really get my finances straight so that I am not in a financial crunch ( I am a total BIOTCH when my money isn't right) and I love LA- there is so much I want to see and do, so important for me to build on a solid foundation. It is a little longer than I wanted, but a few more months for a lifetime of happiness it's worth the wait and it will fly by. It was just the end of July and now it's nearing the end of September.Now if some miracles want to fall in my lap I will take them
but this is the best I can do with what I have and it's not to bad at all. There is a beautiful boy with a penetrating gaze and strong hands. Besides- the narc is becoming a strong presence in my life and a really good comfort when the loneliness seems to much. he's let me in a lot. I don't think either of us anticipated that and I think we both hold each other at bay because of it! He is a good friend and probably best being just that!